Elements and the Mind

The ancient ninja were among the first true psychologists. They spent a great deal of time trying to understand how their enemies (And sometimes friends; if there was truly such a thing) thought. A variety of schools evolved from those early observations. One such school focused on emotional dominace while others were more intellectual. The emotional being far more effective and therefore getting more attention (obviously). The 5 primary emotions were paired with elements which were already prominet in the local religion. (Mainly shinto and buddhism.)
Similar systems have been seen in china and india. Some even speculate that the great general Kongming used them along with astronomy/astrology and sorcery to predict the future.

According to accepted theory I'm mainly Lust/Sympathy. Predominatly I'm earth natured with some fire. According to this same theory my strong points are compassion, happiness and love. My weaknesses would be Lustfullness, Frustration, Pity and Helplessness.
Now that doesn't mean that I myself am helpless or pitiful, but that it is difficult for me to ignore people who are helpless or pitiful. I'm even-tempered and rarely anger. However when I am angered it's a very great anger. I'm also more likely to favor my intellect over my emotions then others.

The systems the ancient ninja used are quite elaborate and woven deeply into their religion. Even within modern times it can still be seen (Water pokemon defeat Fire Pokemon, Ground pokemon also defeat fire, fire is seen as passionate etc) in japanese society. Looking at myself in a completely different way is just another mental exercise I'm using right now. I admit more of this is true then I feel comfortable admitting. It's hard to imagine someone who is both lustful and compassionate... yet here I am. While I prefer my intellect there are more then enough times that I recklessly use my emotions over common sense. It is truly in my nature to make people feel better, rather that is out of guilt or geniune desire to better the world is still a matter for debate however.

In what I consider irony according to this theory my most glaring weakness is love. I carry a double-vulnerability. Earth element people want affection and Fire element people want lust.
If you ever wondered about why I chose to use this name there you go. Thats why. Lust is destructive and powerful. Paired with sympathy its crippling. Taking this in the abstract is one thing, but to really feel the energy involved is another. At one moment lust is burning hot, in another you are left with chill of regret. Can emotions truly be considered elemental in nature? Blood is hot, heat is certainly an element. Remorse and guilt also burn.
Have you ever felt cold from sorrow? How about shivers from terror?

All worthy of consideration.

Dream: Floating death?

Because people seem to enjoy them. Here is my latest attempt at Lucid Dreaming. It went well methinks.

I was standing in a graveyard, like the earlier dreams I was standing in the moonlight.
There were wisps of fog hanging about, I realized after a second it was clouds. I walked a few feet and came to the edge of the graveyard. I looked down and realized the graveyard was flying high in the air and the clouds/fog were wafting past me quite quickly.
I backed away really really fast. (I'm scared shitless of heights.) It was also around this time I realized I was dreaming again. I stood in the center of the graveyard for a second as I gathered my senses. Realizing that I had pretty decent control of my mind's avatar I thought about flying down. (Something I wasn't able to do when I practiced this, It always caused me to panic.)
I walked to the opposite side of the floating graveyard turned and charged.

I didn't fly, I fell. Like every time before I couldn't quite do it. I fell strait down and hit the ground. I shuttered and moaned in pain (I could hear myself in IRL, it was disturbing.) My arms and leg twiched and I laid there in the crater for what seemed like an eternity. I looked to my side and saw a white cross. It was another tombstone... behind it was another and another. There were white and black crosses as far as I could see. The grass was amazingly green. Also the ground wasn't flat it was very hilly. Far to the east my view was obstructed by a sizable hill. It was now day light for some reason. I felt very uncomfortable and started walking south.
I realized after I moment that I was standing on the slope of a mountain and south was leading me into the valley. After a few minutes I stopped and started looking at the tombstones. They had writing on it but I couldn't quite read it. I tried a few others and didn't find anything.

I reached a hill and walked onto it. Off in the distance I could only see more crosses and a crypt. Even farther away I could see mountains. I started walking toward the crypt and suddenly got a chill. Despite it being sunny and temperate I felt cold. I looked around but could see nothing so I kept walking to the crypt. The closer I got the more anxious I felt. Now that I was closer I could see that the crypt was in good repair. It had a single door on the south side and gothic fencing all around. I grabed the fence to throw myself over when I realized it hurt. I pulled my hand back and it was bleeding. It seems the entire fence was razor sharp. I chose this time to hurdle it.

Inside the gothic crypt there was a pile of bones. They didn't seem all human because of them were very large and oddly shaped. Others were very small versions of human bone.
I walked outside the crypt and it was night time. Sitting on the corner of the fence was a boy with a flute. He played a very sad song. I stood and watched him for awhile. After a few rounds of his tune he removed the flute and began to sing.

Haunted. I flee desire.
Harried, I choose death.
I found my rest in filthy waters.
Hands, naked hands touch my body.

The song bothered me so I approached the boy to ask him about the song.
He seems surprised to see me when he turns around.
This place isn't meant for the living. You must run.
I see behind him the tombstones are no longer white crosses. They are now gothic tombstones. Some of them appear to be vandalized.

"They cannot sleep" The boy told me plainly.
I felt cold again.
"I came here from devotion" I told him (I have no idea wtf I was saying)
He didn't talk, he just point his arm south. There was a man in black shrouds standing in a pile of bodies. He isn't the shadowman from before. But I realize that he is the enemy I came here to fight. With a quick sidewards swipe I call out my katana. I then realize that I am wearing loose fitting white clothes. The man in black nods to me, then from his hands emrges a massive Halberd. He descends with maddening speed towards me.

The boy watches, after I second he sings another song.

"Dance, dance with blades of death"
"Fight for life, fight for love."
"Let hope decend and darkness flee"
"In lights thee find his warriors strength"

I was quicker with my blade then before. I let loose a few controlled right-to-left slashes testing his guard. He angles the shaft of his halberd in a cunning block. I locked the shaft to his chest. He pushes back hard; he gains the advanage and prepares to throw me back. I relax my blade and duck, then lunge under his surprised guard. He gurgled blood and stepped back from me.
Raising his halberd in the air I feel a blast of cold, All around me there the nameless men come.
Spinning around I cut them all, then duck and run to the left between them. They seem to be endless.

Directly behind me I see a small creek. I hop it and spy a hulking black creature. It was about 10 feet tall and made out of an oozing darkness. It was vaguely humanoid alough it's right arm was much larget then it's left. At the end it had a wicked claw.
I put myself in a defensive stance and my swords clinks into a satisfying Left-stabbing position. The monster charges me. at about 20 feet I break my defensive stance and run past him slashing. The shadow parts as my blade hits it. The top half falls onto the ground and seems to splatter. I jump backwards but an arm shoots out of the blob and grabs my leg. I fall to the ground hard, I feel warm blood on the back of my head. I hack down with my sword severing the creatures arm.

I flip up and walk away. The blob seems to have formed into chistled looking men. The texture seems alittle redder this time. I engage them both again. After this I lose track of everything that happened. I remember next running away. The blob was dead but hundreds of minature reaping creatures took it's place and cut up my legs. After I got far enough away I forced myself to wake up.

Yeah that dream was a let down.

Yet another odd dream.

A few things to go over tonight. First order of bussiness. New dream; this dream is alittle different then the others.

I was at a train station in Milford Utah. (For anyone who doesn't know. It's about the smallest town on earth. The size of the town almost doubles when the train comes in.) I was waiting by the tracks for the train to come in. It was dark and the moon was eclipsed slightly. I'm not sure if it was clouds or not but I remember it strongly for some reason.

I remember getting on the train. It was an old steam engine. The seats were old and embroided green. I was sitting next to a boy with a gameboy, he was playing a yellow game which I assume was Pokemon: Yellow. There was strangely enough nobody else on the train car. I sat and looked out the window for what seemed like an eternity. I saw high mountains and rolling plains. Occasional trees and rivers. It was really incredible what I remember.
After awhile we passed the salt flats (Geographically this dream makes zero sense. Don't yell at me) and headed north. We entered a tunnel and after some time passed we emerged over a river. We then rolled into a massive city. Parts of it seemed like New York.
I got out of the train and entered a subway station. This part gets fuzzy. I remember walking around the river and the alleyways; I felt like I was looking for something but I couldn't name it.
After awhile I realized that it was late and getting dangerous (Unsavory people began to appear) and I started to get desperate.

After running around the city for awhile I came across a hotel in the middle of an 3 way trianglar intersection. It was about the size of a mcdonalds. I walked in and asked for a room. The man told me it would be 5 bucks to use the flophouse. I gave him some money and walked into the only room in the place which was at the very top. It had no walls just windows on both sides. I sat and watched the bridge out of town rise and fall. I longed to escape the city but had no more money. When I woke up in the morning the gameboy kid was sitting next to me playing again. I remember this time he had red hair. He was shorter then me and had freckles.

I left the strange hotel and walked into the bright light of the city. The air was really thick with smog and pollution and it made me feel sick right away. As I walked down the street everything appeared to be very generic. I recognized one person walking away from me. It was Sarah's sister Luann. I tapped her shoulder and she turned around. Next thing I realize I'm at her house (In NY oddly enough) with her and her husband.
She asks me why I am there. and I explain that I am lost and trapped. I don't have the money to get over the bridge back home. She hands me a white package and tells me to start for the bridge before it's too late. I give her a hug and thank her. Then leave.

On the way to the bridge I open the package. It has money (Alot of money, like a mafia movie style money) a romance novel and a cookie. I eat the cookie and hold the book as I walk.
When I reached the bridge there was a man in a toll booth. He took my money and let me through. As I crossed the bridge the cityscape disappeared and I was standing in the salt flats again. It was dark now and the salt flats looked amazing as ever. I walked south and then woke up.

Dream Reflection

So my earlier posts are conclusive proof I can't control my lucid dreaming very easily.
Willpower is like any other developed trait; if you don't use it you can kiss it goodbye.
It seems like so much in my life is like that. I'm barely keeping friendships alive. I may as well put an IV on most of them. I don't feel like whining about it. I've put out pleas for friendship before and they fell on deaf ears.

I may not have employed willpower but I did break down the barriers inside me. Human beings are complex and I am no exception. I have laid in reflection of the events of my life over and over. I understand some things and others I am confused about. In my perspective a person has three aspects: Emotional-Mental/Physical/Spiritual.
The dynamics of the relationship between the three is well documented elsewhere so I won't elaborate on that. I will say that for me all three have been very low. I want to say that it wasn't my fault that it happened. But thats a boldfaced lie, I made the choices that lead to my fall. It was I who accepted burden after burden until my back broke. People around me suffered unduely because of it.

In my dream I described the sensation of a struggling Tyrant and Saint. That is how I have felt for a long time. On the one hand I believe a person should explore his feelings and let them out. But what if your feelings are too dark? What if that would hurt people? It isn't such an easy choice then. I didn't explore my feelings or let them out; when I did finally release them it was torrent too powerful to control. The typical emotional responses followed: Apathy, Depression and Anger. The lucid dreams have taught me alot. In the first dream I was afraid to fight, I only fought when I was cornered like an animal would be. In the second dream I fought with an unhuman bloodlust. It is a strange dichotochy that someone who was so obssessed with love and affection would also be drawn towards violence and bloodshed.

I struggled to understand myself out of desperation. I dug for answers in the darkest parts of my past. I tried to understand why I had such a dark and terrible side. I could tell you the conclusions, it's the same story a hundred times over and telling it wouldn't change anything. It wasn't until I rememberd that I had conquered that evil that I began to get better. Evil is empowered by that stagnation and breeds within it. A stagnation of mind, body and spirit.
I am not out of the swamp yet. I am not that rash.

Also in the dream I fought a shadowman. All my life I have had dreams like this. Strange men with an eerie familarity have invaded my dreams. I did in fact learn the lucid dreaming technique in the first place to confront them. It wasn't until later that I learned it had entertainment aspects to it. (I hope to get into those soon)
The battles were the same every time. I could only win at the cost of my old life. A marytr.
I think secretly everyone dreams of being a martyr; to bravely give your life for people who mistreated you. The greater the feelings of resentment the greater the need to "prove" or absolve oneself of those feelings. If the Shadowmen (or man in the case of my recent dreams) are a part of my psyche I cannot fight them forever. I should instead understand and cope with them.

Other points about the dream and it's ramifications:

I am sorry to Jenni, my dreams did not treat you well. Not only were you a ghoul but you had your arms removed while I was fighting the shadowman. The obvious conclusions are all there. But I think there is one deeper point. Inside my dream I felt that we were the same. My physical apperance (as oddly mutated as it was) was similar to yours. Something worth deeper consideration.

Todd (The gambler) did not appear in my second dream. Odd? Perhaps.

Blackham (The Icy Maiden) did not appear in my second dream. Between the first and second dream I underwent a series of smaller changes. I was in a sense more spiritually focused. Blackham did not appear in the second dream either which seems to indicate a shift in my feelings. Having a better grip on myself emotionally my old feelings were less likely to "leak out" and taint the dream the second time around. This is a relief to me.

Sollah and Piiky: No idea on that one. I don't even know Sollah. Shes just a fun little girl (Sorry Sollah I think of you as little) that I play games with. I did talk to her one desperate night and considered her words thoughtfully. This is perhaps my minds way of manifesting those kind words; I'm not really sure what to think on this one.

Dwight the conflicted assasin: In my little cast of characters this is the one I understand least. Dwight has at many times been helpful to me... I admit there is a dark side to his personality. But the light/dark conflicted assasin seems to exaggerated. I suppose it does fit the nature of dreams to exaggerate things but it the light of reality it seems off and difficult to subject to a inspection. In the end a sudden tactical move resulted in the shadowman turning the assasins bloodlust against me. Given that within my dream I felt the same kind of bloodlust I saw in him I wonder if this is a warning about myself? It's certainly easier to observe something within yourself through someone else.

One more thing within my dream I want to point out before I go to sleep.
In the first dream I was fleeing, in the second dream I was fleeing AND seeking.
Now at first glance it's obvious that I have painful memories in New York. But... I don't know.. I don't think I was fleeing a person or a place per say. I can't put my finger on it, I have a feeling this one will torment me for many weeks. It's not in my nature to flee or give up. I always want to fight to the end if I can... that part of me changed. My fear is stronger then my mastery of it.
Thats something that has to change.

Goodnight everyone.

Lucid Vision

Have you perchance heard of a technique called lucid dreaming?
Many years ago it was one of a numner of techniques I used to try and understand my own mind. I used it for a few months until a sleep medication made it impossible to continue successfully. It more or less allows you control part or whole of your dream.
It's something I've been doing again... I'll post about the contents of the dreams later.
But some of the things that happen are amazingly... well strange. One of the signs I'm dreaming is the sensation that my body is melting away. Habits I have in real life affect my dream state immensely... for example trying to rub your nose when it's massive or scratching behind your ear when your hands are melting away in unreality. Crazy shit.

Here is a dream I had in full detail. Parts of it were lucid and parts I could not control. I don't recommend reading this dream if your freaked/grossed out easily. I'll explain the parts that are lucid and those which aren't.

I stood on a barge floating down the east river in New York. The barge was filled with trash and there were 4 people on each side rowing. Many of the buildings we floated past were made completely of glass; inside the glass I could see people walking around. Some beat against the glass trying to escape. One person had a look of abject terror in his eyes and it frightened me. I turned my eyes away and held my hand between us... that was when I noticed my hands were blurry and sensationless. I tried to clenched them but they wouldn't. The tips of my fingers were blurred as if my hands were laytex and stretching by an unseen hand. A flailed my hand for a second and the boat rocked alittle. I could smell the river for the first time.

I remember screaming in my dream. The boat rocked alittle more and I realized we were moving faster. As we whirled by buildings I could see hundreds of little people in glass cubes within the buildings. All of them were trapped. Some of them sat there perfectly happy and others beat the sides in desperation. It was then I realized I was dreaming.
My entire body felt numb. Like I was trapped in my dream. I could feel my physical body but I could not move it. I struggled for a moment to move my hands and feet. For a moment I could feel both my dreaming and physical body... then somehow I slipped very slowly into the dream state again. My body felt so heavy I couldn't move it and soon I could not feel it at all.

I was floating down the hudson along the train tracks this time. To my side I could see will-o-wisps in the forest. I heard a strange singing, it was unworldly like a fairy or an angel would sing.
I knew I was asleep but I couldn't control myself completely. It was jerky almost like being in slow motion. I looked around to see the rowers were still there. But I was surprised to find the barge was gone. I was floating along the river carried by an unseen hand. I realized I was floating north and I had a sudden pain in my stomach. I didn't remember why, but I knew there was pain and sadness waiting for me at the end of the river. I tried to move but the unseen hand held firm no matter how much I squirmed. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw a low brick wall hugging the river. I grasped at it and pieces of it came off and into the river. I finally caught a large piece and was suddenly jerked free.

I was now standing in a dark wood. I knew I was far from home and I suddenly felt very afraid. (I had forgotten I was dreaming <<.<<) I remembered there was a castle nearby (The same castle from my earlier dream. It was called Hathaway for some reason) so I walked through the forest as fast as I could. As a took steps it gradually became more and more winter like. When I emerged from the forest I was looking over fields of snow again. The castle was there but it looked like an old apartment building was attached to the side. Not far from me was the old man from my previous dream. I stood next to him and we watched the castle together.

"Isn't it beauty?" he asked me.
"It is" I agreed."

He started to speak in a language I couldn't understand (it sounded german). And then pointed to the castle.

"Can I go home now?" I asked him.
"You can't leave here without finding your sword first" he replied.
"All my friends are dead now, I can't go back into there" I pleaded with him.

I turned to see his response. But he was gone. I remembered that were was a pond beside the castle but I couldn't see it now. I walked into the castle and there was the old style elevator again. Standing in it was a young girl holding a tiny bear. She cradled the bear and rocked it gently as I walked in.

"Sollah?" I asked?
She inched her head up. "Yes, Have I met you before?"
I couldn't remember ever meeting her in this life, so I assumed it was in a past life.
I said nothing but started the elevator moving to the top.
She scratched the bear behind the ears.
"Piiky remembers you!, He says he saw you here before"
"I nodded. I was here once before"
(We talked more here but I don't remember the words exactly)

When the elevator opened again I was standing in the desert again. The elevator behind us started going down again.

"Why are you so eager to flee?" she asked me.
"I was hurt down there" I pointed down the elevator shaft.
I saw my hand was blurry again and realized I was still dreaming.
"Sollah?, Will you and Piiky walk with me to the desert?" without waiting for an answer I started to walk into the dunes. Behind me the sand buried the elevater shaft.

We wandered the desert for what seemed like eternity. I remembered that my companions were here before and I looked for them desperately. After awhile Moonlight spilled over the dunes and I looked behind me, I could see a lone woman walking toward me. She was hunched over and it seemed like part of her body was in a state of decay. She did not seem like living or dead. But something in between, too afraid of death to die completely and yet unwilling to live fully. I saw alot of myself in her and it unsettled her. The air changed and I suddenly knew that my companions had returned. The conflicted Assasin and the Dark Maiden stood shoulder to shoulder to the west of me. Both of them looked at the ghoulish woman approaching me. The moonlight was bright as she finally drew close. Maggots poured from her left eye socket. The closer she became the more hideous and mishapen she became. Bones jutted from her body and the fleash/skin was flaking off like dried paint. The conflicted Assasin (Dwight) walked up next to me and handed me one his swords. I looked down at it.

The sword was black. Like looking into the depths of the abyss. It was difficult to avert my gaze from it. I twitched my fingers a bit irl. And didn't feel comfortable at all. Memories rushed back to me. Swinging a sword from left to right. The high guard. The Vertical cut and the low guard.
For a second I was standing opposite of Justin Reed (A man I greatly admire) sparring. I hold the sword longingly for a moment and hand it back to the Assasin.

I spread my legs out in a swordsman stance as the ghoul approachs. It's someone else I regonize. Jenni with grossly distorted features. The moon that was so kind to her at distance showed how scarred her ghoul body was. Jagged cuts marred her bare flesh from leg to neck. Each one was still oozing with puss and gore. I drop my guard and turn away. The smell hits me like a truck. I start walking away and everyone follows me.

(I lose track of what happens for awhile) Suddenly I am aware that my companions have stopped. Sollah and Piiky point east. I look over and see the shadow Wesley standing on a dune. All around him are people I know, some are my close friends, others my bitter enemies. More then a few were faces I remembered but could not place names on. A dozen nameless bodies.
He holds my beaten short sword out and the moonlight reflects off of it.
"I assume you came for this" He sneered at me.
I said nothing. I only looked at him. Beside me I could see my companions drawing steel.
The ghouls eyes did not waver, she simply staggered forward with her skeletal arms outstretched.
The shadow man taunted me. He said something about bringing the forgotten dead of the past to battle and how I was doomed to her fate.
I felt suddenly very tired, I looked down and my body seemed exaggerated. A jagged scar ran across my bare chest and several long knife marks dotted each arm. The wounds were not healed but open and sore. I shuttered and closed my shirt over my chest, as I buttoned it up Sollah put her hand on my shoulder. "Piiky and I are going to make sure your ok."
Off to the side I saw the assasin and his wicked blades, looking into his hood I saw an eye cold with hate and another that gleamed with wicked passions. I remember standing there for a long second... like knowing what you want to say but not having the word. It was like time was stopped. All I could feel was the hot air blasting against me and grating of the sand against my skin.

I don't understand what happened next. But I remember flicking my arm out in a swordsmans stance. (This is actually something I trained myself to do many years ago, It allowed me to summon a weapon during a dream without conscious effort to do so. Only I had forgotten it... good thing it's subconscious eh?) I raised my sword in the high guard and watched as a wave of the nameless people descended upon me. Instantly I remembered the thrill of battle. The rush of adrenaline and the whirling of blade on blade. The high guard kicked in as the first reached me and my sword descended into his face going deep into his skull. The sword became held fast. I put my foot to his chest and pulled with all my mind. The sword came out, but the nameless swordsman didn't fall. He stared there with hole (Much larger then it should've been) just under his left eye. I reversed my sword stance and made a right-to-left slash at his exposed neck.

As his head left his shoulders all I saw was a dull and eeriely familar stare looking at me. The body slumped before me. I found myself surrounded. some nameless men grasped at my body with their cold hands. Others flashed weapons of odd sorts. one I remember had a baseball bat.

I could hear the roar of a bear and saw Sollah (As a bear) tearing the nameless men apart. Beside her the Dark maiden and the Ghoul fought side by side. The ghoul-woman ran her hands across them. Their icy looks were suddenly contorted with pain and they clutched their bodies in futility. The Dark Maiden appeared and disappeared almost at will. Wielding a large shard of darkness all I could see were her shimmering tiny celestial wings sillouted against the shadows.
I could not see the assasin but I knew that where ever he was their was death.

I saw an opening in the bodies, I darted through them and charged recklessly into the shadowman. Both our bodies seemed unreal. I could feel hot blood running inside me.
My feet left the ground for a moment and I lost sense of myself. All I could feel was the twisting of the steel. I was the sword. I clashed again and again. I could see the moonlight flickering as I turned. More and more nameless swordsman fell, I could feel their warm blood trickle down my body as I cut into them. I revelled in the carnage for a moment. slowly I became aware of my body again. The shadow man kept dodging behind the nameless swordsmen.

I suddenly felt sickened by the blood. I looked down and I was covered in it. My hands were slippery with it. I swallowed deeply and threw myself back into the battle.
My body was unreal. I felt light as air as I twisted and turned between the slashs of my enemies. Putting my sword back in scabbard I prepared for a quick draw. The shadow man stood between me and the moon. The light spilled onto me. I felt like a tyrant and a saint. The two struggled within me for a moment. Like a rope binding my hands I stood their in silence. The shadow man smiled and assumed a high guard. If I did not kill him in one blow I would be struck down. I knew this by instinct.

I could hear one my companions behind me cry in pain. Without looking the rope was cut free and I exploded forward. It felt like I was falling for a moment. I had no weight at all. I could only barely feel the sword within my hands. As I approached him I heard a yell. I couldn't tell who's it was but my mouth was open... My sword slid from it's scabbard as smoothly as water.
Finally being close to the Shadow man I could see his face was like mine but somehow aged. Like he had lived through a great tragedy. Pity weakened my swing for a moment. Time seemed to stop again. His sword fell into my left shoulder and my sword slashed his midsection open. scurrying across the sand we both fell back and circled one another.
Sollah's fur was matted with blood and gore. The dark maiden held her arm against her body was a grimance of pain. The assasin was walking from corpse to corpse as if watching their nameless souls leave their bodies.

I felt the warm blood rushing down my chest. I stood there confused. As if by default I put my sword away and slide into an iiajitsu stance. In my daze the shadowman went around my circle of awareness and began to attack my companions. He started with the weak ones cutting off the arms of the ghoul and hacking at the dark maiden. Sollah and Piiky rushed to help her but were too slow. She collapsed in a heap next to the ghoul who still tried to move.
Before I could blink he and the assasin were clashing. The shadowman held the same pained look as before but the assasin was filled with insanity. His sword of light and of darkness flared with each swing. The shadow man's moves were calculated and he blocked the assasins furious assault effortlessly. I came up behind the shadow man intent on anbush when he suddenly cut to the side. Suddeny the assasins blade fell onto me. I could feel it rending the flesh of my body cruely. he did not stop when his happened... he just had a maddenly look of glee as I collapsed.

I woke up screaming after that.

Dawnfall

Guess what world? SCREW YOU.

Yeah. Thats right. You can beat me up. You can take away my love and happiness. You can even discourage me. But I won't give up. You are mine to conquer not the other way around. My heart may bleed but the sun still rises in the sky. Each morning the dawn gives us promise of another day and I can't waste it on sorrow or fear.

I will reclaim my friends. Even if I have to fight tooth and nail for it. Someday I will find love again. Even if I have to endure a hundred more heartaches. I live for this moment and every moment after it until my last. It is worth it to fight: without the struggle the prize is meaningless.

I am serene and tempest. dark and light. gentle and ruthless.
My strength is on the razors edge. I am ready.
I cannot lose. I cannot fail. This is the deaths ground. I live or die within my choice now.
In the quiet before the sunrise I ask the Tao for strength.
I am ready for the new day.
....
....

Thank you to those who did not abandon me. I walk with my own strength now.