Been awhile since I've put anything up. I'd like to say I've been busy with my varying projects but thats just not true. Most of my time lately has been directed toward my family or recovering from one of the nasty bugs floating around. Car is still broken but I now know what's wrong with it(Finally). The compiling of my sourcebook has barely moved, my second blog is barren, I have taken opportunities to practice my writing but none of those experiments merit any space here and lastly I've played a fair amount of Stronghold 2/Tactics Ogre.
Norse mythology has long been used as a basis for fantasy. Long standing rumor is Tolkien borrowed heavily from it; even the one ring is said to be borrowed from the legendary Andvarinaut. Ever since playing Valkyrie Profile I've paid more attention to nordic trends in fantasy and I saw plenty in both games I've been playing recently. I've been thinking about how mythology (Most notable being Norse) should fit into it, I'm not a big fan of using names directly from mythology... I prefer making my characters from scratch using an archtype or perhaps even inverting an archtype that exists in history. Creating new archtypes is ideal but requires a tremendous amount of work and creative insight... not to mention a deep understand of the cultural framework you are working inside. I could make a new thor but that doesn't mean that he would fit the culture of thor perfectly. In fact it might seem clumsy and amateur if I were to create a new Thor.
A few months ago during the rewrite of the gods I came up with Sorrent the Ice Lord.
Not particularly nordic sounding but I had some good concepts to play with. In also covered some needed holes in the origins of certain races in my setting. (Dwarves mostly...) It also gave me a cultural framework for northern barbarians; who until this point had been severely lacking in culture. Sorrent himself was a pretty basic Ice Giant warlord god. Everything about his personality can be found in that sentence. A good lesser deity perhaps but not something worthy of what I need. No I need a rival to Thor and Odin. I need a deity that has ballads sung in his honor... something that invokes the heroic norse ideal.
Playing off established archtypes is good move for alot of reasons. A. It's easier to visualize for both reader and writer. B. It requires less backstory/explanining when you take an ancient culture and reuse it. I already have to describe and explain new cultures and races and taking some off the reader/players plate is alot of help. D. The Nordic mythology fits perfectly into a setting based on the conflict between creation and destruction. So perfectly in fact that when I toyed with the idea of making a new culture for the northern tribes it ended up like a bastard child of the eskimos and the norse. It's hard to improve on something that fits so well.
Originally when I started this setting (14 years ago give or take) I had a very limited scope of both imagination and knowledge. I was creative but because the intake of ideas was so limited (Mostly by poverty and social isolation) that the output of ideas was equally narrow. The result was a basic D&D knockoff setting (Which is ironic because I hadn't yet played D&D). I was however a prolific reader of poorly written TSR/Wizards fantasy series (Mostly famously dragonlance which actually got better.) and much better fiction (Terry Brooks novels). By reading them I devloped a strong sense of the fantasy "archtypes". The Noble Warrior (Sturm Brightblade/Caramon), The Token Dwarf (Flint... poor Flint), The mascot/comic relief (Tas), The tormented soul (Raistlin/Tanis/Wil Ohmsford) and even the Naive female royalty (Laurana, Amberle). I didn't however identify with them much. I understood them but found them to be extremely patronizing and overly simplified. (Except Raistlin... but thats a different bag all together)
I vowed to avoid using such simple and uninteresting archtypes in my own writing/design.
Instead my archtypes are rooted in psychology and history. Occasionally I play off a traditional fantasy archtype. For example: Springer the Kobold isn't a great fighter. He's small and aside from being a genius with mechanical devices (Mainly traps) he's not very smart or charismatic. He is however funny, honest, loyal and serious often. In some ways you can compare him to Tasslehoff Burrfoot. But Springer doesn't have the (Obnoxious) kender immunity to fear. Springer goes to fight alongside his friends because he loves them and wants to protect them. Tas feels no fear it's not hard for him to risk his life. The archtypes are not copies but rather guidelines (Which I frequently break anyway), all writers use them rather they do so intentionally or not. It plays off our natural instinct to judge and to catagorize things.
This itself could be a lengthy topic of discussion but I need to return back to the problem of Nordic archtypes.
In creating a Norse sub-setting without using the pre-existing gods I am taking a number of risks and doing something that quite honestly could be out of my reach as a writer/designer right now. Yet it is what the setting calls for. I could leave this entire corner of my world alone and nobody would notice (Thats what I've doing for 14 years anyway); But that would be denying an important (and interesting) new viewpoint and set of ideals to my world.
My conclusion?
Cheap knockoff gods (Like a ripoff Thor/Odin) are no good, Cheap original gods (Like Sorrent) are ok for lesser deities (Who nobody cares about)... I can use an existing archtype or one of my own (Crafted from my knowledge of psychology, a secret weapon in the world of stale-generic fantasy) but it has to fit into both the original nordic culture and my settings unusual history and power structure. Ultimately I think that it is the last and perhaps best option I will take: To merge the nordic culture with something else. A fusion of idealology.
The Vikings invaded England and their culture changed drastically. If the vikings invade another Drakkorian society what would happen? If they invade a society that relies on machines you could have technology wielding barbarians(Or technology fearing). Or if they invade an oriental society. The concept of honor and discipline from the subjegated would change the direction of their culture dramatically. What about a viking culture that is exagerated in some area? More tribal and more pagen then before... a viking society that rejects gods and focuses on spirits or totems.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a diehard perfectionist.
Goodnight everyone.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Lies, damn lies and statistics
Before I get on to my musing I'm going to say a few words.
Anyone who knows me also knows that I take my beliefs seriously. I examine them constantly and fight for them even more fiercely. I've come to believe that the war being waged against freedom of personal expression, privacy and civil liberties is more dire then I thought before.
When the announcement is made this next year I'm going to move back east and work for Barack Obama for president. I've thought and considered it for a long time and I feel that in a state as red as Utah I can't change a single mind. But in a place like Ohio or Florida I could change the entire election (in theory)by changing a few minds. I'll be alone and chances are I won't know many people but I feel it's the right thing to do. If Barack doesn't win the nomination I don't know if I'll go help anyone else or not. Obama is the man to fix the direction in our country and if pounding in a few lawn signs or answering a few phones will help put him there it's a small price to pay. Details are forthcoming as plans and information is confirmed.
Todays musing is brought to you by the band VAST and Mark Twain. The product of his unholy union is... well read and find out.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-Mark Twain
Conventional wisdom is honesty is the best policy, but I'm finding in modern society the truth is more elusive then ever before. Oftentimes even the speaker does not know the truth. The listener does not know the truth and each who speak after them are just as confused as to the truth.
"spin" has been around for thousands of years. Kings and warlords weren't squishmish about putting the right spin on a story to bring themselves glory or capital. The famous Jedi Obi Wan said that the truth is a matter of point of view. He spun the death of Anakin Skywalker as murder by Darth Vadar and this tempered Luke's resolve to defeat Vadar and restore the Jedi.
Is that use of spin justified? Is a subtle manipulation of the facts justified if it leads to good? The truth is rarely well received. I've told people how I felt and had them attack and revile me. Yet a simple lie turns them into a staunch ally. If you tell people what they want to hear they will accept it rather it is the truth or not. If the truth is feared or unwelcome you will be met with anger and found suspect. Of all moral problems this one is most severe to me. To deceive for personal gain is wrong... but what about to deceive for the gain or benefit of others?
I lie in battle or contest often, it's called misdirection or feinting. I have no qualms with it because it's part of how things are done. It's a tactical manuver and not a moral dilemma. Treating life as a game and making tactical choices would make me vastly more successful in every area... but is that the kind of person I want to be? Could I handle how people would come to treat and feel about me? and more importantly could I feel good about myself treating and thinking of people in such a way? I don't think that I could and moreover I think my actions would change who I am until I did not care any longer.
I've come to believe that in order to effect real change you have to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself then you should be prepared to the consquences of that. You will grow twisted and your growth different from intended. In love I would prefer the brutal honesty to the spin and lies. In dealing with my rivals or enemies I don't see a problem with spin. Perhaps a boundry between my social and professional life is what I need. For my friends the honest truth and for my enemies a maze of lies and illusions. Then again I've long maintained that an open book with no secrets is harder to attack then one that is hidden from sight.
Spin and white lies will not slide my soul into a path of evil... but it doesn't seem like the right choice still. I think like all others I am forced to battle with question eternally and case by case. If my answers were uniform then I would be predictable and inhuman. I am not special or evolved beyond other humans. Occasionally I will deceive for my own personal gain or for the gain of others. That omission alone is an action of honesty to be met with scruitiny. Why would I tell the truth about my willingness to lie unless I wanted people to know I was capable of it?
However the end all of this arguement is simple to anyone who knows me. I am a terrible liar.
If the world counted on my ability to deceive I would advise hasty goodbyes to your loved ones.
Goodnight, truth be with you.
Anyone who knows me also knows that I take my beliefs seriously. I examine them constantly and fight for them even more fiercely. I've come to believe that the war being waged against freedom of personal expression, privacy and civil liberties is more dire then I thought before.
When the announcement is made this next year I'm going to move back east and work for Barack Obama for president. I've thought and considered it for a long time and I feel that in a state as red as Utah I can't change a single mind. But in a place like Ohio or Florida I could change the entire election (in theory)by changing a few minds. I'll be alone and chances are I won't know many people but I feel it's the right thing to do. If Barack doesn't win the nomination I don't know if I'll go help anyone else or not. Obama is the man to fix the direction in our country and if pounding in a few lawn signs or answering a few phones will help put him there it's a small price to pay. Details are forthcoming as plans and information is confirmed.
Todays musing is brought to you by the band VAST and Mark Twain. The product of his unholy union is... well read and find out.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-Mark Twain
Conventional wisdom is honesty is the best policy, but I'm finding in modern society the truth is more elusive then ever before. Oftentimes even the speaker does not know the truth. The listener does not know the truth and each who speak after them are just as confused as to the truth.
"spin" has been around for thousands of years. Kings and warlords weren't squishmish about putting the right spin on a story to bring themselves glory or capital. The famous Jedi Obi Wan said that the truth is a matter of point of view. He spun the death of Anakin Skywalker as murder by Darth Vadar and this tempered Luke's resolve to defeat Vadar and restore the Jedi.
Is that use of spin justified? Is a subtle manipulation of the facts justified if it leads to good? The truth is rarely well received. I've told people how I felt and had them attack and revile me. Yet a simple lie turns them into a staunch ally. If you tell people what they want to hear they will accept it rather it is the truth or not. If the truth is feared or unwelcome you will be met with anger and found suspect. Of all moral problems this one is most severe to me. To deceive for personal gain is wrong... but what about to deceive for the gain or benefit of others?
I lie in battle or contest often, it's called misdirection or feinting. I have no qualms with it because it's part of how things are done. It's a tactical manuver and not a moral dilemma. Treating life as a game and making tactical choices would make me vastly more successful in every area... but is that the kind of person I want to be? Could I handle how people would come to treat and feel about me? and more importantly could I feel good about myself treating and thinking of people in such a way? I don't think that I could and moreover I think my actions would change who I am until I did not care any longer.
I've come to believe that in order to effect real change you have to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself then you should be prepared to the consquences of that. You will grow twisted and your growth different from intended. In love I would prefer the brutal honesty to the spin and lies. In dealing with my rivals or enemies I don't see a problem with spin. Perhaps a boundry between my social and professional life is what I need. For my friends the honest truth and for my enemies a maze of lies and illusions. Then again I've long maintained that an open book with no secrets is harder to attack then one that is hidden from sight.
Spin and white lies will not slide my soul into a path of evil... but it doesn't seem like the right choice still. I think like all others I am forced to battle with question eternally and case by case. If my answers were uniform then I would be predictable and inhuman. I am not special or evolved beyond other humans. Occasionally I will deceive for my own personal gain or for the gain of others. That omission alone is an action of honesty to be met with scruitiny. Why would I tell the truth about my willingness to lie unless I wanted people to know I was capable of it?
However the end all of this arguement is simple to anyone who knows me. I am a terrible liar.
If the world counted on my ability to deceive I would advise hasty goodbyes to your loved ones.
Goodnight, truth be with you.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Syndrome and Isolation
Aspergers Syndrome occupies a spot among the most undiagnosed and socially pervasive disorders in psychology. The news it's received recently had me thinking about it today. But before I share any commentary on it I should shed some light on the basics. If my details are a bit off I am sorry as this is coming from my rather poor memory.
Aspergers is a highly functional form of autism that effects the patients abilities to interact socially. It's most commonly found in males but recent studies show it may be more common in females then first thought; females who are naturally shy tend to be harder to diagnose. Aside from the social awkwardness it has few other side effects. The patients are more often then not fully functional in terms of logic and problem solving and other areas that autistic people suffer from. Aspergers patients have trouble reading the body and voice signals of others, they are socially and emotionally detached from others and have a difficult time forming lasting relationships. It's also commonly noted that Aspergers patients have a lack of "spiritual" feeling as well. Social problems are not always apparent and often mis-diagnosed leading to a host of other problems such as depression (even to the point of cutting or self-mutilation), extreme isolation (which leads to making the situation worse), or anti-social (perhaps even criminal) behavior.
I was thinking about it today and my own isolation lately. I've never had problems reading the emotional or physical cues of others... In fact it's something I've become very skilled in. As common as it's projected (in new theoretical research... Take it with a grain of salt) I could know someone with this disease and not even realize it. I can't imagine being born without the ability to read others feelings. So much of our life is interconnected and it would be like making the web of life one way; taking away that connectivity doesn't make a person any less human. But I have to wonder what kind of effect it would have on the psyche. Humans are social creatures and removing or mitigating that social aspect is like losing a vital emotional limb.
My own anti-social tendencies are defensive in nature. When I'm hurt or confused I isolate myself... In a way I am giving away the advantages of a social networtk. Not all defensive reactions are good and I think in this case it could be extremely bad for me. It's a common enough defense mechanism but how effective is isolation compared to community? It helps in avoiding hurt but would the healing effect of friends and family outweigh that? I have to wonder if those Aspergers patients would hold me in contempt for intentionally/reflexively isolating myself when I am (in theory) fully capable of being a social person.
All these things put my own problems in a different light. It reminds me of a saying: Ships in a harbor are safe... But that's not what ships are made for.
My goals sit unaccomplished because the social aspect of my life is in extreme atrophy. I am sick because of my own choices. The isolation was helpful (and one could argue essential) to my repairing myself but now the need has passed it's holding me down.
This reminds me of another quote. I think to do this one justice I will have to copy and paste it.
Man never reasons so much and becomes so introspective as when he suffers, since he is anxious to get at the cause of his sufferings.
-Luigi Pirandello
There you have it. Wise words from a truly gifted Italian writer. (Albeit quite an emo one)
Consider everything, reject the impossible and embrace the choices that lead you to happiness. (not a quote from anyone, just a random thought of mine) Even if those considerations require me to open up to new (and old) people. This is a theme I need to consider more in the future.
Aspergers is a highly functional form of autism that effects the patients abilities to interact socially. It's most commonly found in males but recent studies show it may be more common in females then first thought; females who are naturally shy tend to be harder to diagnose. Aside from the social awkwardness it has few other side effects. The patients are more often then not fully functional in terms of logic and problem solving and other areas that autistic people suffer from. Aspergers patients have trouble reading the body and voice signals of others, they are socially and emotionally detached from others and have a difficult time forming lasting relationships. It's also commonly noted that Aspergers patients have a lack of "spiritual" feeling as well. Social problems are not always apparent and often mis-diagnosed leading to a host of other problems such as depression (even to the point of cutting or self-mutilation), extreme isolation (which leads to making the situation worse), or anti-social (perhaps even criminal) behavior.
I was thinking about it today and my own isolation lately. I've never had problems reading the emotional or physical cues of others... In fact it's something I've become very skilled in. As common as it's projected (in new theoretical research... Take it with a grain of salt) I could know someone with this disease and not even realize it. I can't imagine being born without the ability to read others feelings. So much of our life is interconnected and it would be like making the web of life one way; taking away that connectivity doesn't make a person any less human. But I have to wonder what kind of effect it would have on the psyche. Humans are social creatures and removing or mitigating that social aspect is like losing a vital emotional limb.
My own anti-social tendencies are defensive in nature. When I'm hurt or confused I isolate myself... In a way I am giving away the advantages of a social networtk. Not all defensive reactions are good and I think in this case it could be extremely bad for me. It's a common enough defense mechanism but how effective is isolation compared to community? It helps in avoiding hurt but would the healing effect of friends and family outweigh that? I have to wonder if those Aspergers patients would hold me in contempt for intentionally/reflexively isolating myself when I am (in theory) fully capable of being a social person.
All these things put my own problems in a different light. It reminds me of a saying: Ships in a harbor are safe... But that's not what ships are made for.
My goals sit unaccomplished because the social aspect of my life is in extreme atrophy. I am sick because of my own choices. The isolation was helpful (and one could argue essential) to my repairing myself but now the need has passed it's holding me down.
This reminds me of another quote. I think to do this one justice I will have to copy and paste it.
Man never reasons so much and becomes so introspective as when he suffers, since he is anxious to get at the cause of his sufferings.
-Luigi Pirandello
There you have it. Wise words from a truly gifted Italian writer. (Albeit quite an emo one)
Consider everything, reject the impossible and embrace the choices that lead you to happiness. (not a quote from anyone, just a random thought of mine) Even if those considerations require me to open up to new (and old) people. This is a theme I need to consider more in the future.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Upgrade
Following the tragic death of my computer I found myself upgrading for the first time in years. The process of shifting and sorting my varied files into order is bringing up alot of buried feelings. I honestly thought alot of this stuff was lost. Old Dos games, pictures I thought destroyed/lost, music I haven't listened to since highschool, AIM logs, half-written stories, old Dungeons and Dragons adventures and absolutely ancient diary entries.
I wish I could upgrade as easily as my computer, pop in some ram and Shaaazam! Faster.
It isn't like that however, humans upgrade emotionally, physically and even spiritually over time and in increments. Trying to force it all at once is a foolish hope. I know I'm contridicting myself right now but I was wrong earlier. Sudden change is less sudden then it appears. (Which I have covered before) I could certainly use an emotional firewall or memory upgrade but even if such things were possible they would come with time and effort. My mantra used to be investment in self is the only thing you can count on. I was alot tougher and smarter back then. But knowing that I had that shows me that I can have it again, it can be recovered, re-examined and reinstalled.
The hardest part of unearthing 5 years of memories is the temptation to delve into them. To live in the fantasy of the past. Well; thats just what the past is: Fantasy. It doesn't exist anymore and whats more human memory is extremely mutable. It changes over time (Well documented by the psychologist Piaget and others) and adjusts itself to emotional conditions. A distant & failed love seems brighter when your lonely or unhappy for example. Without some kind of external memory such as a diary or log your likely to have incorrect memories of the past. Then again I peddle in fiction so I shouldn't be concerned with keeping perfect logs of my life, if the details are fudged it only proves I'm still human.
My memories of highschool are universally happy while my memories of Jr High are universally unhappy. I was a happier person in highschool but I don't think the actual difference was as pronounced as I feel it now. The best part of all is false and modified memories are eternal until disproven. I think people with happy dispositions tend to paint their memories alittle brighter whereas "McEmopants" might paint everything as darker and more depressing then it really should be. I tend to review things that have happened to me and that I've done frequently. I think this gives me a more logical view of myself; but by no means more accurate.
"The unexamined life is not worth much" -Socrates
I wish I could upgrade as easily as my computer, pop in some ram and Shaaazam! Faster.
It isn't like that however, humans upgrade emotionally, physically and even spiritually over time and in increments. Trying to force it all at once is a foolish hope. I know I'm contridicting myself right now but I was wrong earlier. Sudden change is less sudden then it appears. (Which I have covered before) I could certainly use an emotional firewall or memory upgrade but even if such things were possible they would come with time and effort. My mantra used to be investment in self is the only thing you can count on. I was alot tougher and smarter back then. But knowing that I had that shows me that I can have it again, it can be recovered, re-examined and reinstalled.
The hardest part of unearthing 5 years of memories is the temptation to delve into them. To live in the fantasy of the past. Well; thats just what the past is: Fantasy. It doesn't exist anymore and whats more human memory is extremely mutable. It changes over time (Well documented by the psychologist Piaget and others) and adjusts itself to emotional conditions. A distant & failed love seems brighter when your lonely or unhappy for example. Without some kind of external memory such as a diary or log your likely to have incorrect memories of the past. Then again I peddle in fiction so I shouldn't be concerned with keeping perfect logs of my life, if the details are fudged it only proves I'm still human.
My memories of highschool are universally happy while my memories of Jr High are universally unhappy. I was a happier person in highschool but I don't think the actual difference was as pronounced as I feel it now. The best part of all is false and modified memories are eternal until disproven. I think people with happy dispositions tend to paint their memories alittle brighter whereas "McEmopants" might paint everything as darker and more depressing then it really should be. I tend to review things that have happened to me and that I've done frequently. I think this gives me a more logical view of myself; but by no means more accurate.
"The unexamined life is not worth much" -Socrates
Monday, December 11, 2006
So very cold inside.
I look back at the last two years and I'm just struck with amazement over how different I've become. I feel like this trial has increased my potential while at the same time dragging me down into the sewers and beating the shit out of me.
I'm tired. It's not the cold thats been passing around (Which doesn't help). It's that I am tired of fighting inside myself. I'm tired of being all torn up inside.
I went from being the person who helped others to the person who needed help most of all; I have come to appreciate the shift in perspective... but what I really want is to be me again. I want to reach out and fullfill my potential again and look to the future instead of wallowing in my past.
I've been running and running afraid to face anything.
That changes now. Right as I type these words to you.
Change that I have fostered in myself is too slow. I do in increments what I should do with a force of will.
I have felt trapped in this last year. Trapped in a life not of my creation. In a world that I stumbled along, that instead of embracing me kept me around for pity and memory. I wanted to get angry, it's been built up inside me for so long and now it's finally come to forefront. Burning anger. Boiling emotion.
If your sick of my exposition let me switch gears for you.
Cold does not foster the change I am looking for. Emotions obey the same universal laws as everything else. Anger, passion and fire. It goes beyond simple metaphor and becomes something primal about creation itself. Love is capable of changing someone, passion is capable of changing someone and so is cold.
But cold doesn't make you into a passionate person, it doesn't burn away the impure and leave the pure and the most desired. Cold locks things in place and keeps them from being natural. It kills the lively and preserves that which is already dead. In people the cold makes for isolation, ignorance, bigotry and close mindedness. It's no wonder that such people are called "frigid" or "cold hearted".
Yes I hurt people with my words and my thoughts earlier, but I hurt myself saying them. I hurt after I wrote them and as I write this I hurt with the memory of it. Yet I do not regret it. I had to torch the ice around my heart and if the only fuel I had was anger then so be it. It does not burn as clean or long as a heart filled with the passion of love, or the warmth of friendship. But it does burn brightly and intensely. No more running and certainly no more wasting time when I should moving ahead with all speed.
I burn away the shackles to my past, the grudges so ill-conceived and the pain of memory. I may writhe in fire but I will finally be free.
Enough metaphors. I'm going to bed.
I'm tired. It's not the cold thats been passing around (Which doesn't help). It's that I am tired of fighting inside myself. I'm tired of being all torn up inside.
I went from being the person who helped others to the person who needed help most of all; I have come to appreciate the shift in perspective... but what I really want is to be me again. I want to reach out and fullfill my potential again and look to the future instead of wallowing in my past.
I've been running and running afraid to face anything.
That changes now. Right as I type these words to you.
Change that I have fostered in myself is too slow. I do in increments what I should do with a force of will.
I have felt trapped in this last year. Trapped in a life not of my creation. In a world that I stumbled along, that instead of embracing me kept me around for pity and memory. I wanted to get angry, it's been built up inside me for so long and now it's finally come to forefront. Burning anger. Boiling emotion.
If your sick of my exposition let me switch gears for you.
Cold does not foster the change I am looking for. Emotions obey the same universal laws as everything else. Anger, passion and fire. It goes beyond simple metaphor and becomes something primal about creation itself. Love is capable of changing someone, passion is capable of changing someone and so is cold.
But cold doesn't make you into a passionate person, it doesn't burn away the impure and leave the pure and the most desired. Cold locks things in place and keeps them from being natural. It kills the lively and preserves that which is already dead. In people the cold makes for isolation, ignorance, bigotry and close mindedness. It's no wonder that such people are called "frigid" or "cold hearted".
Yes I hurt people with my words and my thoughts earlier, but I hurt myself saying them. I hurt after I wrote them and as I write this I hurt with the memory of it. Yet I do not regret it. I had to torch the ice around my heart and if the only fuel I had was anger then so be it. It does not burn as clean or long as a heart filled with the passion of love, or the warmth of friendship. But it does burn brightly and intensely. No more running and certainly no more wasting time when I should moving ahead with all speed.
I burn away the shackles to my past, the grudges so ill-conceived and the pain of memory. I may writhe in fire but I will finally be free.
Enough metaphors. I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Nobody likes tortured artists
Many writers were highly productive in times of great pain or strife. The japanese writer Dazai Osamu or his american peer Hemmingway come to mind. Of course both of them gave up and killed themselves which makes them poor role models overall. The tortured, exiled, outcasted and forsaken are known for creating a large body of work; most of that work is hollow. It lacks the vitality of life that so many other authors can capture. For every pain in my heart I feel as those lonely dejected men did: That life is cruel and unfair, that I am destined never to improve or be acknowledged. All this does is disconnect me from the flow of life.
It's easy to remove yourself from society. To rail against it from afar. This is a gross misuse of words. We should not be sheep, nor should we be fools. Railing from afar rarely if ever brings about change. Nor does it improve our situation. It may or may not produce a work of genius... but more then likely it will be as pitiful as the author is. The writer feels better, perhaps he changes a few minds and attracts other tortured souls; but in the long run nobody remembers a generation for it's tortured souls.
I hurt for more reasons then I can count. The temptation to fall into this pattern of writing and feeling is immense. It's benefits immediate and appealing. It's another struggle in a soul that is torn in many directions already.
Already I have slid into it partly and I can see myself in the future falling deeper and deeper into it. Every new cut opens my older wounds which bleed anew.
When I was faced with death I felt nothing but regret. Regret for love... regret for my writing, regret for those I would leave behind. Fear was secondary to that feeling that I failed at life. Here I am now with a bleeding heart that won't be staunched and a tormented soul. I try to connect to that flow of life and I can't. An empty and tortured being is counter to that great tao or energy.
For a long time I felt I had something to prove to the world. I had to excel where others had declared I would fail. I had to validate my existance because so many around me denied it's worth. I believed them in my heart and tried so hard to do it. Sometimes I would not and broke down and gave up. You cannot impress others intentionally even if it's your sole wish and desire. Moreover in recent time I have tried to prove to myself that my existance is justified, I have forced my own growth when it should be natural... I am not free to love with an open heart because I am not who I am suppose to be. Everything causes something else; as time goes on the messes get larger and larger until I cannot know where to begin to fix them. Everything I am now is a mess and counter-to what I am inside, the true me. I know that so many things in this world are short lived, there are people I love that I cannot tell I love because the pain to me is so great. I cannot release my pain or anger... anger which feels cold and hollow. Because I cannot let go of that pain I can't and shouldn't love anyone or anything.
Yes. I have chosen to change who I am. But really all I am doing is unmasking who I am. Every new nick and cut stings me, for this process is open and peels away the thick skin I have devloped. Some of my plans for the future have to be abandoned. Some of my dreams can never be reality. There are people I care for that I cannot never express my love for, I will never see them again and if that wasn't enough I am certain that the frustration will only grow worse as the obstacles rise behind what I can accomplish myself. Help is not in god or the tao. Help is in the laugher of a friend, in their embrace and companionship. It's in the acceptance of life and all that stands for.
I have always known the answer to my problems, and even now I would rather suffer and struggle then accept and follow it. Maybe when I've run out of walls to scale I'll turn around and face why I am really truly hurting.
Goodnight.
It's easy to remove yourself from society. To rail against it from afar. This is a gross misuse of words. We should not be sheep, nor should we be fools. Railing from afar rarely if ever brings about change. Nor does it improve our situation. It may or may not produce a work of genius... but more then likely it will be as pitiful as the author is. The writer feels better, perhaps he changes a few minds and attracts other tortured souls; but in the long run nobody remembers a generation for it's tortured souls.
I hurt for more reasons then I can count. The temptation to fall into this pattern of writing and feeling is immense. It's benefits immediate and appealing. It's another struggle in a soul that is torn in many directions already.
Already I have slid into it partly and I can see myself in the future falling deeper and deeper into it. Every new cut opens my older wounds which bleed anew.
When I was faced with death I felt nothing but regret. Regret for love... regret for my writing, regret for those I would leave behind. Fear was secondary to that feeling that I failed at life. Here I am now with a bleeding heart that won't be staunched and a tormented soul. I try to connect to that flow of life and I can't. An empty and tortured being is counter to that great tao or energy.
For a long time I felt I had something to prove to the world. I had to excel where others had declared I would fail. I had to validate my existance because so many around me denied it's worth. I believed them in my heart and tried so hard to do it. Sometimes I would not and broke down and gave up. You cannot impress others intentionally even if it's your sole wish and desire. Moreover in recent time I have tried to prove to myself that my existance is justified, I have forced my own growth when it should be natural... I am not free to love with an open heart because I am not who I am suppose to be. Everything causes something else; as time goes on the messes get larger and larger until I cannot know where to begin to fix them. Everything I am now is a mess and counter-to what I am inside, the true me. I know that so many things in this world are short lived, there are people I love that I cannot tell I love because the pain to me is so great. I cannot release my pain or anger... anger which feels cold and hollow. Because I cannot let go of that pain I can't and shouldn't love anyone or anything.
Yes. I have chosen to change who I am. But really all I am doing is unmasking who I am. Every new nick and cut stings me, for this process is open and peels away the thick skin I have devloped. Some of my plans for the future have to be abandoned. Some of my dreams can never be reality. There are people I care for that I cannot never express my love for, I will never see them again and if that wasn't enough I am certain that the frustration will only grow worse as the obstacles rise behind what I can accomplish myself. Help is not in god or the tao. Help is in the laugher of a friend, in their embrace and companionship. It's in the acceptance of life and all that stands for.
I have always known the answer to my problems, and even now I would rather suffer and struggle then accept and follow it. Maybe when I've run out of walls to scale I'll turn around and face why I am really truly hurting.
Goodnight.
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