Hiatus

Due to medical issues my blog is on hiatus. Thank you for your support at this time. If I return I promise you many great stories. I will be giving admin status over to Holley in the event any announcements need to be made.

Moments that are fragile.

How honest is a person expected to be? Not merely in his day to day. How many of us lie to ourselves? We say that something isn't as bad as people think. We marginalize things bit by bit. Making less and less until our views no longer match reality. Even here in this blog where I have supposedly set out to unearth the truth I use metaphors, hintings and the vague. I suppose I could claim creative purposes but I know thats not true. I'm going to tell a very short story. and then explain what it has to do with me.

Long ago in a valley kingdom there were two warriors. The light warrior was kind, empathic and had a love of helping others. The dark warrior was lustful, aggresive and ruthless. Both warriors were formiddable in the kingdoms defense. Even a dark warrior had in his heart the desire for a home and peace. Even the light warrior enjoyed the thrill of battle, victory and defeated. Even being paragons of their respective idealologies they were not one sided.

The king grew old and died without an heir. The kingdom was thrown into upheaval, eventually the kings brother is found and brought to kingdom. But the brother is not wise or fair. It does not take long for the new king to anger the two mighty warriors. Each warrior plots the demise of the corrupt ruler. One seeks to displace him for the good of the people, the other seeks to displace him for his own pride and ambition.

The warriors had great respect for one another. Over the years they had sparred many times, but fighting for the same kingdom it was never in anger or to the death. Each raised an army, the light warrior arrived first with his army. He forced his way into the castle using the element of surprise and took the castle.
When the dark warrior arrived the castle had already been secured and the light warrior made king. Rather then fight his friend he and his army returned and disbanded in the town.

The light warrior did not have an easy time. Supporters of the kings brother now in exile waged a war on the light warriors men. They fought and fought and as they did more and more people began to cry out agains the light warrior-king. The dark warrior came forward and defeated them both. Took the crown and banished both sides. Some said the Dark warrior was cruel, some said he was fair. But lurking in the background was the light warrior ready to strike again.


As interesting as that story could become I won't bother finishing it.
I am still sick. some of you know this; others do not. It isn't just my left hand anymore but now my right. Each day the headaches grow worse. I feel hot and sweaty in a cold room. When I close my eyes I feel terrible visions, I'm being drawn back into a hell of my own creation. My psyche was fragmented before... and it's like I feel it being fragmented again. Slowly my thoughts are drifting from me even when I try to cling tightly to them. I see painful memories when I close my eyes, visions of a future denied to me.

The battle has not ended, but it has changed. I understand one thing that changes everything now but I do not know how it changes this.
I was fighting the wrong enemy. I want my hands back. I want my body, spirit and mind to be mine again. Parts that have been broken off my psyche to be reborn.

I desire so much to be free, freedom might not come to me until my death.
Freedom my pain, freedom from the burden of my mind......
ugh. I am so very sick. I'll complete this thought later.

Denial is not Victory.

Sun Tzu once said that if you denied an enemy battle then he could not win. It's a basic concept that if your weak you should avoid battle. But to deny the battle also takes away opportunity for victory. When you rest your enemy can do the same. It's basic tactics to never allow your enemy rest. (Unless to encourage sloth.)
As the pieces move across the board you get a feel for the game. The agressor and the defender become defined; the enemy is not always in front of you. But sometimes true enemy is your own heart. Can you be ruthlesss and retain your humanity? Can you give mercy and sympathy to a deadly enemy?

I lost the use of my left arm last week. I awoke and it was numb, along with my leg. My left eye is blurry and I have a very strong headache.. on my left side.
Even as the ghosts from my past come back to haunt me I can feel my enemy gaining strength again. When I am strong he is weak, when I am weak he is strong. It is not the time for me to pour my soul into this battle, it fast approachs but I must deny it the chance. I deny because I cannot win, and within that denial I cannot lose either.

You cannot kill someone that is a part of you without diminshing what you are. But can you master it? Control it? Compromise with it? Co-exist?
I'm tired of having darkness cloud my soul, it grows because I won't face it.
I have stared into the dark, into the shadow. I have felt the warmth and I have felt the cold. My scars aren't merely body or soul. But deeper still it taints the world surrounding me, the wound widens and deepens as time passses.

My choice is victory, I will not win by defeating evil. I will win by mastering myself... it is a mastery that is lifelong in attaining and more rewarding then anything else this life can offer. I have chased too many snares, fallen into too many pits and will not falter again so easily. I'm waiting for the wind to change, then my blade will be drawn.

Goodnight. I'll write more tomorrow I hope.

Accomplishment, The most important list.

Well I've been promising it for quite some time. But honestly I've been slightly afraid to post my list of things I want to do in my life. Some are silly, some could even be considered offensive to people. I decided that I just want to be what I am and not worry about what others think.
Most of the items on this list are pretty old, a few as recent as last night. I think it's a fair reflection of the direction I want to take in life. Presented here now are the first 50. I'll post the next 10 later. I believe when I am finished I should have close to 100.
My goal is 2 a year.

1. Write and publish a book of every major Genre.
2. Get a doctorate.
3. Adopt a Child.
4. Ride a motorbike the length of the Great Wall of China.
5. Visit all 5 continents
6. Get married
7. Visit Stonehenge
8. Learn to speak Japanese fluently.
9. Live in Japan for at least half a year.
10. Swim in every ocean.
11. Become a skilled Zen archer.
12. Master 3 forms of martial arts.
13. Visit the Dao Mai.
14. Learn to Snow Board.
15. Visit Interlockken Switzerland.
16. Have a threesome with 2 girls.
17. See the hall of mirrors in France.
18. Raft the Colorado River.
19. Go ice fishing in Alaska.
20. See the Grand Canyon.
21. Own a house.
22. Be in an airborne airplane.
23. Design one video game.
24. Hunt for Yeti in Nepal.
25. Learn to Surf
26. Scuba Dive the Great Barrier Reef.
27. See the Pyramids of Giza
28. Become a highly proficient swimmer
29. Run a 5-minute mile.
30. Go hang-gliding
31. See a bullfight in Seville with (Zhuangzi)
32. Be the lead in a play.
33. Learn to play the Piano
34. Visit Loch Ness
35. Be a national Magic: TG champion.
36. Protest injustice in DC.
37. See a Broadway show.
38. Attend Ashida Kim’s Ninjutsu training camp.
39. Go to Mardi gras in Louisiana.
40. Build a massive room sized Lego castle.
41. Learn the proper Japanese Tea Ceremony.
42. Be an extra in a Hollywood movie or TV show,
43. Publish a D&D Module.
44. Have a WoW item named after me. (Or my avatar)
45. See Bon Jovi in concert; get his autograph.
46. Meet Bill Clinton; get his autograph.
47. Be a Convention guest.
48. See the North Pole.
49. Meet Michael Stackpole: Get his autograph.
50. Tame and raise a baby cockatiel

Comments, another dream.

Last post's comments were mainly centered on how unfocused and poorly written it was. I agree. I had a terrible night for a variety of reasons and tried to write about something I was clearly not in the mindset for. I'll try for a better post later. For the moment I have another dream. Elements of this dream tie into older dreams so I will elaborate on them now. This dream is not for children or people offended by sexuality or violence.

Early in the study of my dreams I discovered a reoccuring theme. Several of them to be honest. A high steel tower in a lightning storm, Boxes of glass, trains, falling and even being lost. But the most puzzling and startling theme is the dark men. They first appeared after a vicious fallout with my old friends. Like I've stated before it was a major turning point in my life. The first is to me as vivid as anything I've ever experienced. I stood on the slope of a mountain. There was a woman with golden hair with me, she had a very strong aura of good and purity about her. We ran up the mountain hand in hand giggling and laughing. We came to rest on a ridge overlooking the city. I hear the snap of a twig behind me. I turn to see a man robed in black. He had a hood overshadowing his face and pale twisted hands.

It was really not an amazing dream by my modern standards. But for the time it was remarkable. The next night the dream changed slightly, the girl and I kissed in the woods beneath the moon. In the leaves I found a rusty old sword.
The next week another dream, and then another. Together they formed into a larger dream. They came to inspire me to my second serious attempt at novel writing. Although my skill had improved since that time I hadn't learned how to manage my willpower or time.

Recently the men in black have returned to my dreams. Wielding swords of darkness and snow. Glass and stone. A few nights ago I had what could be considered the best (or worst) of this vein of dream. A quick note: I did not use lucid dreaming consciously. All the lucid dreaming was a result of prior training. The men in black can die but become wraithes. The wraithes can be hurt only with a sword focused with energy.

I was laying in the forest on the hillside. All around me there were neat piles of leaves. I heard a creek in the distance and realized I was very thirsty. I stumbled over to the water and immediately stuck my face into the freezing water. I inhaled the water deeply and felt the cold shiver down my body. I pulled my head out of the water and turned my neck to the right. In a still eddy of water I could see the silloutte of a woman. Her hair was long all the way to the top of her knees and was quite apparently wet. I sat watching her silently. Afraid to move. Occasionally she would bend over and gather the cold water in her hands, then lift it above her head and release it. I exhaled sharply and a cloud of cold breath floated toward her.

With more grace then a thought humanly possible she turned her body toward me. Still no more then a shadow she beckoned me with her hand. I stumbled toward her awkwardly at first. Then I pulled myself up and walked toward her stiffly. She held her arms out for me. I stopped just before her and kicked my shoes off at a nearby tree. She took a step out of the water and onto the carpet of fallen leaves touching my arm with her hand. I could see her better now. She was very skinny and had pale white skin. She was about my height and had a very soft grasp.
She moved her right hand to my chest and became to unbutton my shirt. Her warm breath fell across my shivering body. Within seconds my shirt fell to the ground beside me. She came close to me, her nipples barely touched my chest and instantly I was aware that I was now very erect.

She smiled and finished undressing me. Tugging at my hands she dragged me into the woods.
She kneeled by an old gnarled oak tree. Mezmorized by her beauty I simply followed her. She didnt stand but instead ran her fingers down my body. Each time she passed I grew more and more excited. No longer content with her hands she began to lick me. Slowly at first and stopping occasionally to kiss my body, she worked from head to toe and back again. Taking long stops at every point of interest. Her touch was driving me mad. I couldn't control myself any longer and pushed her down against the cold ground. Our bodies entwined in a glorious embrace. She kissed me on the lips and tilted a bit to open her mouth. I felt like I was melting into her lithe body with each new kiss.

Her breasts were small but warm and soft against my body. I broke away from our embrace to admire them a moment. Putting her arms around my neck she dragged me back to her lips. Unable to fight it I gave in to her. We disappeared in a flurry of fallen leafs. Rolling in our tight embrace she emerged on top of me. I didn't realize at first that I was already inside her. She smiled and gently rocked her body against mine. Time seemed to stop as she went. I felt no lust but a sense of contentment to be inside her. The gentle jiggle of her breasts with each thrust was as natural as the moonlight on our bodies. our hands locked together and embraced me again. We rolled in the leafs once more. Each roll was its own thrust and we never stopped our pace.

Somewhere far away I could hear the hooting of an owl. As if on cue she pins me down again and pushes against me harder. Undaunted by her show of force I make myself stand. Holding her body in my arms I maintain the pace we set earlier by lifting and lower her body.
She seemed maddened by his and shifted her weight forward. I nearly trip and over compensate falling forward into a maple tree. If she was hurt she made no signs, instead she used the tree as a brace to push me harder. Unable to fight her anylonger I fall backwards. She keeps going over and over again. I can feel the energy crackle between us, like an approaching storm the air was charged with it. Finally she releases and falls limp beside me.

We both lay there in the leafs watching the moonlight fill our grove. I dress myself. My lover is asleep when she fell smiling. Beside her I notice my sword. It's a katana with a blue scabbatd. Etched along the scabbard are ocean waves and seagulls.
I admire the sword and the woman for awhile. She awakens after awhile and kisses me.
We sit in the darkness together not saying a word. It felt as if words would destroy how sacred the moment was. I felt butterflies in my stomach looking at her blue eyes.
We looked at each other for a long time, occasionally I would glance at the blue sword at my feet.
She dresses herself eventually, I watch in awe . Every move she makes is graceful and natural.

She turns her head to the darkest part of the forest. I looked where she looks. I see nothing but trees and darkness. Out of the darkness there is a thin line of blue light. A sword reflecting the moonlight matches toward me. My lover doesn't seem concerned. She sits down and lays her head on my lap. I can hear in the woods the shadow men are looking for me. But it seemed like we moved farther and farther away from them. I felt at an incredible peace with this being of nature. I get lost staring into her eyes. Before too long I am entralled by her. I watch the strands of hair fall to place when she moves her head.

The men in black do not stop looking. I can see torches now. A small fire in the grass. then another elsewhere.
I'm angry at them. I stand up with the blue sword. My maiden tugs at my shirt, in her eyes I see a mixture of concern and resolve. She doesn't say a word as I walk into the woods.
The men in black are clustered up around what appears to be a wounded animal of some sort.
I whisle and they turn to face me. There were about 7 of them with swords. the 8th had only a torch.

They fan out around me and I hear the rustle of more far behind me.
I charge the first with an iiajitsu neatly removing his head. They close in around me like a steel trap. I smack the first to reach me with the blue scabbard. Flicking my sword into an easier to manage one-handed stance I parry the first blow from the right.
The torch man comes up behind me at the same time as they others. I smack him with both scabbard and sword. Then I let the scabbard fall to the earth.
I swing my free hand to the hilt of my sword and switch into a top-to-bottom guard stance.

3 of the men with swords of ice charge in trying to get under my guard. I step back and lower my sword from guard to thrust. All three fall to a rapid overhand thrust.
They all came at me at once. I drop all defense and attack each as he moves into range. I drop a few more. Soon each is dead. I have a wound at my side.
I walk backwards for awhile trying to find my lover. I come across the grove where we made love but it seems undisturbed. I remember looking for her after that but I could not find her.

I toned down the details on this story quite a bit. It's actually very rare for me to have a sex dream and even more rare for me to remember.

Sex, Life and Food.

Eye catching title eh?

In three weeks one of my best friends ever will be returning from his mission. It's a remarkable thing really that he put two years of his life into service to god. In those two years I made considerable progress to my material wealth. I lost control of my psyche, had several physical problems and lost virtually every friend I had. With the soon-to-be arrival of my friend I've been pushing myself harder to pull things together. 3 weeks I've given myself.

This has given me alot of reason to pull my own religion out of the swamp. Taoism has many many different schools and sects with varying degrees of seriousness. I found in a lengthy conversation with Justin many insights from his beliefs that reflect into mine. I'm not really 100% taoist. I've got some Buddhist in there, some hindu, alittle Shinto, a bit of leftover mormanism from my youth, Catholism and even alittle Bohemian Materialism. Even beliefs that do not fit neatly into any catagory. Why the title for this entry? I'll be there in a second I promise.

Sex is from a taoistic standpoint good and bad. It purges the body of Qing and empties it out. It's a dynamic movement of energy that is good for that body. When it's overused or improperly used it expends vital Qing uselessly. As much as I enjoy physical intimacy the spiritual aspect is for me far more rewarding and yet elusive. I'm mentioning this because of how it ties into the next thing I'm going to ask.

What is the nature of the universe?

That one is sure a doozy eh? I honestly don't know. I can feel at times a power that moves the world. It is in the wind and water. It is man and woman. Beast and machine. I choose to call it tao. It could be god, or Buddha. or Allah or even Jehova. I know it's there but words to explain it are as elusive as it is. My objective in life was always to be powerful or famous. When I studied religion and philosophy those dreams changed. The idea of power for the sake of power became hollow, I examined those earlier seminal beliefs and found them to be based on anger, jealousy and resentment. I came to view the world in terms of accomplishment. What had I added to society? What causes did I support? How many children did I teach? Will my writings withstand the test of time?

That was not the only shift in my views. For the first time I became to really enjoy life. I lived with my senses. Touch, smell, sight, sound and even taste. That was the first step in my views on the essence of pleasure. I found the courage to speak up against injustice and intolerance. It was truly a time I look back to with a great amount of nostalgia. Nowadays I view life as a more complex puzzle. How can a god create such beauty and not expect it to be a vision of lust? Obviously god intended his work to be used, to be enjoyed, but like all artists he does not appreciate his work being mistreated or used improperly.

I feel strongly that life is a double sided challenge. We must enjoy life while contributing to the success and happiness of others. Happiness and kindness are amazing things. A kind word can do what a dozen threats cannot. It's infectious and potent. When we improve the quality of life for one we improve it for all. ourselves included. Can I admire the beauty of the world and still look into the dark and ugly side? Can I fight evil and admire good? It's a slippery slope to admire a womans body without wanting to possess it yourself. It's difficult to fight evil without yourself being dragged into it and becoming it. I feel that beauty and kindness do that.

Food and Sex are good for you. But they are pathes to evil. Justice quickly becomes vengence. Collecting what is needed quickly becomes obsession and greed. I seek the beauty of life and the evils. The good and the ugly. I will fight and I will create. If I fail then I know I at least failed trying. Like a necromancer of words I will bring to life dead projects. One such I will post tomorrow is the list of things I want to accomplish in my life. Oddly enough food and sex are a part of that list.