When I started this blog I was on the cusp of a major life crisis; things had spun out of control and I needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.
The blog itself has always frustrated me; I never felt any license to write about the positive aspects of life. The design was dark and filled with self-important drama. After I long hiatus from personal writing... not to mention plenty of time analyzing my life and correcting mistakes; I decided that it would be best to close this dark chapter of my life completely.
A new blog will free me to write about every aspect of life objectively. I don't need to be chained to this or anything else. My new blog can be found here.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Not Fade Away
This week I moved from my Dad's house to my uncles house; I was having problems being around my father and his frequent temper tantrums. The anger and tension in the air drove me into isolation which further compounded how alone and helpless I had been feeling.
Part of me is a ruthless warrior, it doesn't understand mercy or fear.
The other is afraid of everything, a helpless child.
For awhile it's felt like the writer, the warrior, the poet... the very core of me has been fading away. And when that core fades all that is left is an empty and very much alone shell of a man.
The torment in my heart is not between good and evil, law or chaos: but between courage and fear; between someone who is in love with life and unafraid of it's challenges... and someone who is afraid of life and filled with apathy.
I win and lose this battle in increments. Some days I will gain ground and some days I will lose it. To an outside it appears as if little changes... to me it feels although I have been swimming in sand for weeks to keep myself from going under. But each day I remain in this gridlock I do not grow; I do not strive or achieve... Each day I miss more and more opportunity to truly be alive. A tiny piece of me fades forever unacknowledged or fulfilled.
Incremental battles are Pyrrhic and fighting them does me no good. In the end I may find victory but I will have no prize. I will have spent my best years embroiled in needless turmoil. Therefore I have assumed a heroic stance; the ruthless warrior and the coward must of necessity be the ones to fade way. The battle must turn outwards into the world and the inside must be united.
This week has been one of the best in a long time. I've made amazing progress both inward and outward in a relatively short period of time. I've gotten rid of a lot of my misplaced anger and gotten a degree of confidence back. I am by no means well again; but for the first time in what seems like ages I feel like I'm not sinking hopelessly into the sand.
I calmly approach the future knowing at any moment something wonderful or terrible could happen upon me; But something in me feels certain that once I recovery fully I can seize life by the balls. I will not stay silent or linger in the corners filled with darkness. I will not as the poem reads "go quietly into the night" and I will not fade away until I have left my battles, my legacy, my words and my dreams engraved into the very soul & psyche of humanity.
Part of me is a ruthless warrior, it doesn't understand mercy or fear.
The other is afraid of everything, a helpless child.
For awhile it's felt like the writer, the warrior, the poet... the very core of me has been fading away. And when that core fades all that is left is an empty and very much alone shell of a man.
The torment in my heart is not between good and evil, law or chaos: but between courage and fear; between someone who is in love with life and unafraid of it's challenges... and someone who is afraid of life and filled with apathy.
I win and lose this battle in increments. Some days I will gain ground and some days I will lose it. To an outside it appears as if little changes... to me it feels although I have been swimming in sand for weeks to keep myself from going under. But each day I remain in this gridlock I do not grow; I do not strive or achieve... Each day I miss more and more opportunity to truly be alive. A tiny piece of me fades forever unacknowledged or fulfilled.
Incremental battles are Pyrrhic and fighting them does me no good. In the end I may find victory but I will have no prize. I will have spent my best years embroiled in needless turmoil. Therefore I have assumed a heroic stance; the ruthless warrior and the coward must of necessity be the ones to fade way. The battle must turn outwards into the world and the inside must be united.
This week has been one of the best in a long time. I've made amazing progress both inward and outward in a relatively short period of time. I've gotten rid of a lot of my misplaced anger and gotten a degree of confidence back. I am by no means well again; but for the first time in what seems like ages I feel like I'm not sinking hopelessly into the sand.
I calmly approach the future knowing at any moment something wonderful or terrible could happen upon me; But something in me feels certain that once I recovery fully I can seize life by the balls. I will not stay silent or linger in the corners filled with darkness. I will not as the poem reads "go quietly into the night" and I will not fade away until I have left my battles, my legacy, my words and my dreams engraved into the very soul & psyche of humanity.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Bad bad list
I'm having a slow slow nervous breakdown.
I can't find a job in this god forsaken city.
I've spent all my money getting my car to work; if only I could afford to register and put gas in it.
My internet is getting turned off tomorrow (later today)
There is an amazing pill I can take to completely remove the agonizing pain in my head. A shame I can't AFFORD the stupid thing.
Clinton is ruining any chance Obama might have in the general election by running him out of money and polarizing the party.
I really like this girl, but I turn into a sputtering retard whenever I get the rare chance to speak to her.
I miss my cat.
I am at the moment getting completely worked, which is why I'm changing gears. Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to move back to bountiful where I know people. Plus the added bonus of not being around people that make me crazy.
It's not a foolish dream, to want a smart loving girlfriend; a nice apartment with a kitty. A cold mountain dew after a hard days work. I don't know why it has to be so hard for me to get things moving again. Anyway since it's going to be a few weeks until I get my internet back I thought I should say something.
I can't find a job in this god forsaken city.
I've spent all my money getting my car to work; if only I could afford to register and put gas in it.
My internet is getting turned off tomorrow (later today)
There is an amazing pill I can take to completely remove the agonizing pain in my head. A shame I can't AFFORD the stupid thing.
Clinton is ruining any chance Obama might have in the general election by running him out of money and polarizing the party.
I really like this girl, but I turn into a sputtering retard whenever I get the rare chance to speak to her.
I miss my cat.
I am at the moment getting completely worked, which is why I'm changing gears. Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to move back to bountiful where I know people. Plus the added bonus of not being around people that make me crazy.
It's not a foolish dream, to want a smart loving girlfriend; a nice apartment with a kitty. A cold mountain dew after a hard days work. I don't know why it has to be so hard for me to get things moving again. Anyway since it's going to be a few weeks until I get my internet back I thought I should say something.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Victimless Identity
I hate being sick. I hate it with a passion that transcends reason.
I hate that I get dizzy from a few minutes of writing, or playing a game. I hate that there are times am incapacitated, times when my body weakens and fails me and times when my mind and concentration fall apart. But most of all I hate that is what my life is about now.
My life used to be about accomplishment and adventure. I used to travel the world, I used to compete with other highly skilled individuals. I used to debate on subjects of great complexity with equally great intellects... I loved when my life was about that.
When did my life become about something else? When did it became all about trying to stay alive and traverse emotional land mines? When did becoming a victim become my identity? When people look at me they don't see a brilliant mind or a kind soul; they see a victim who can't hold himself upright anymore.
I deserve it, I really do. It's all people see because I haven't been anything else in a long time.
Not anymore; anyone who treats me less then what I truly am can shove off. People will soon discover that making assumptions about me will result in an embarrassing amount of fallacy.
I hate that I get dizzy from a few minutes of writing, or playing a game. I hate that there are times am incapacitated, times when my body weakens and fails me and times when my mind and concentration fall apart. But most of all I hate that is what my life is about now.
My life used to be about accomplishment and adventure. I used to travel the world, I used to compete with other highly skilled individuals. I used to debate on subjects of great complexity with equally great intellects... I loved when my life was about that.
When did my life become about something else? When did it became all about trying to stay alive and traverse emotional land mines? When did becoming a victim become my identity? When people look at me they don't see a brilliant mind or a kind soul; they see a victim who can't hold himself upright anymore.
I deserve it, I really do. It's all people see because I haven't been anything else in a long time.
Not anymore; anyone who treats me less then what I truly am can shove off. People will soon discover that making assumptions about me will result in an embarrassing amount of fallacy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Limit Break
I haven't slept well in the past three days; in fact I've barely slept at all.
The reasons for this wouldn't make sense to someone who doesn't know me; but I'm quite a terrible insomniac. In order to sleep at all I need to take sleeping pills. The problem with said sleeping pills is once I take them I zonk out and nobody can wake me for 8-9 hours.
How does this relate to not sleeping for 3 days? It's simple. Nobody else in my house can legally drive right now... which means I have to run my dad to work at 5:30 AM. This is a problem since I can't fall asleep before 1:00 AM even on the best nights. (Even with the aid of sleeping pills) That means the only way for me to fulfill my promise and responsibility was to go without sleeping.
Needless to say this had a double meaning for me. I wanted to push myself to my limits again. I wanted to challenge myself in ways I haven't been able to in years. This is especially true after the last blog post I put up. A couple of days without sleep is no big deal right?
The problem however was this morning a major storm rode in. It wasn't that bad on the way into Salt Lake... but the conditions on the way back were scary to say the least. I couldn't see the lines on the freeway and I could only barely see the concrete dividers on the sides of the freeway. To make matters worse I came close to hydroplaning at least once; maybe twice. Conditions made worse by intense morning traffic.
So that my friends is my limit for the moment. My nerves are completely shot. I want to sleep but it's unlikely that I will be able to for a few more hours. By then everyone will be awake and it will be too loud to fall asleep... I don't really know what happens at that point... but damn I am tired.
The reasons for this wouldn't make sense to someone who doesn't know me; but I'm quite a terrible insomniac. In order to sleep at all I need to take sleeping pills. The problem with said sleeping pills is once I take them I zonk out and nobody can wake me for 8-9 hours.
How does this relate to not sleeping for 3 days? It's simple. Nobody else in my house can legally drive right now... which means I have to run my dad to work at 5:30 AM. This is a problem since I can't fall asleep before 1:00 AM even on the best nights. (Even with the aid of sleeping pills) That means the only way for me to fulfill my promise and responsibility was to go without sleeping.
Needless to say this had a double meaning for me. I wanted to push myself to my limits again. I wanted to challenge myself in ways I haven't been able to in years. This is especially true after the last blog post I put up. A couple of days without sleep is no big deal right?
The problem however was this morning a major storm rode in. It wasn't that bad on the way into Salt Lake... but the conditions on the way back were scary to say the least. I couldn't see the lines on the freeway and I could only barely see the concrete dividers on the sides of the freeway. To make matters worse I came close to hydroplaning at least once; maybe twice. Conditions made worse by intense morning traffic.
So that my friends is my limit for the moment. My nerves are completely shot. I want to sleep but it's unlikely that I will be able to for a few more hours. By then everyone will be awake and it will be too loud to fall asleep... I don't really know what happens at that point... but damn I am tired.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tabula Rasa
The body is predictable; in times of long pain and stress the arteries clog and harden. Sleep becomes disturbed, the muscles feel heavy and the body becomes lethargic. Concentration becomes difficult to maintain and generally everything goes to hell in a hand basket.
It has been long argued that human beings are blank slates. That we are programmed by our surroundings as opposed to an innate sense of identity. The complexity of the situation is both are true. But I think it would be meaningless to try and live if humans did not have control over their own destiny.
For much of my life I was able to dispel the notion of pain or tiredness; my will sufficed in overcoming any challenge I was faced with. It became easier to pass responsibility for my destiny off to fate, circumstances or individuals. Facing the greatest challenge of my life I did not rise to the occasion as some have... but instead I gave up everything I believed in and let my life collapse on itself.
The emotional pain has long been secondary to the physical. Even mild sunlight causes me unbearable agony... sometimes. I find my body so tired I cannot move... but only sometimes. The patterns change with seeming randomness... at times I am perfectly normal... and days like today the pain is almost unbearable.
I keenly feel the sense of loss... that I once had the will to overcome anything and I piddled it away for someone who did not deserve it. My only consolation is it did expose the weakness... a fatal flaw that I could not overcome. both time and effort have not dispelled it... nor do I expect them to ever. It is woven into the earliest part of my life history that I would feel this emptiness in my heart... that I need someone to love me.
It is a twisted irony that of all the people I have loved... each and every one of them had trouble loving me in return. The more I would open and invite... the farther away they would go. Perhaps I sensed in them the same emptiness that yearned to be filled... or maybe I read every intention wrong; I may never understand for sure.
Somehow I have held onto the hope that I will find someone who understands me or at very least is willing to put everything on the table and try. It is because love is a great healer... it mends wounds so deep that it seems almost miraculous. Not merely my wounds... but the wounds of those I care about... A long time ago I had the heart to love and heal many people...
These words are spoken by not merely a broken heart, but a soul fractured with pain. The man inside who feels robbed of his destiny is screaming for release; Screaming to be free of the prison he has fallen into. I sway between the strong and kind man I once was... and the tormented victim I have become... neither holds sway because my will has not been sufficient.
I repeat my words over and over; a meaningless cycle of rising up and falling back down when my will falters or the actions of another tear open a psychological wound.
It is funny... with my level of tactical skill and psychological knowledge I have the most trouble acknowledging that the two are separate problems: A partially healed tear in my psyche and debilitating migraines. One is within my control... the other isn't... yet. That I am incomplete as a person weakens me to the migraines... and erodes my ability to function with them; I am certain of that.
I know intellectually that the two are different; yet my mind feels compelled when I am under the effects of a migraine to tear open the still-healing wounds in in heart and psyche. I cannot forget the feelings of being betrayed... the white hot hatred and jealousy burning inside me.... the crushing despair of being abandoned at the moment I was most vulnerable.
Like I said before, this is a slow death for the body. If I do not overcome it eventually it will kill me. But the man I was screams to be released... however the kind person I was will be completely destroyed by the cruel circumstances in my current life. The life I have now is tepid, mediocre and safe... the life that I yearn to return to will pit me against untold challenges... something that is daunting for a man who can barely sit upright during a migraine attack.
We are born mostly blank... our souls unblemished by pain, sorrow and regret; some of that is expected and the resistance helps build us up. But when we choose to live in fear of our own potential, in fear of our own emotions then the accumulations threaten to destroy us... and we rightly deserve it.
It has been long argued that human beings are blank slates. That we are programmed by our surroundings as opposed to an innate sense of identity. The complexity of the situation is both are true. But I think it would be meaningless to try and live if humans did not have control over their own destiny.
For much of my life I was able to dispel the notion of pain or tiredness; my will sufficed in overcoming any challenge I was faced with. It became easier to pass responsibility for my destiny off to fate, circumstances or individuals. Facing the greatest challenge of my life I did not rise to the occasion as some have... but instead I gave up everything I believed in and let my life collapse on itself.
The emotional pain has long been secondary to the physical. Even mild sunlight causes me unbearable agony... sometimes. I find my body so tired I cannot move... but only sometimes. The patterns change with seeming randomness... at times I am perfectly normal... and days like today the pain is almost unbearable.
I keenly feel the sense of loss... that I once had the will to overcome anything and I piddled it away for someone who did not deserve it. My only consolation is it did expose the weakness... a fatal flaw that I could not overcome. both time and effort have not dispelled it... nor do I expect them to ever. It is woven into the earliest part of my life history that I would feel this emptiness in my heart... that I need someone to love me.
It is a twisted irony that of all the people I have loved... each and every one of them had trouble loving me in return. The more I would open and invite... the farther away they would go. Perhaps I sensed in them the same emptiness that yearned to be filled... or maybe I read every intention wrong; I may never understand for sure.
Somehow I have held onto the hope that I will find someone who understands me or at very least is willing to put everything on the table and try. It is because love is a great healer... it mends wounds so deep that it seems almost miraculous. Not merely my wounds... but the wounds of those I care about... A long time ago I had the heart to love and heal many people...
These words are spoken by not merely a broken heart, but a soul fractured with pain. The man inside who feels robbed of his destiny is screaming for release; Screaming to be free of the prison he has fallen into. I sway between the strong and kind man I once was... and the tormented victim I have become... neither holds sway because my will has not been sufficient.
I repeat my words over and over; a meaningless cycle of rising up and falling back down when my will falters or the actions of another tear open a psychological wound.
It is funny... with my level of tactical skill and psychological knowledge I have the most trouble acknowledging that the two are separate problems: A partially healed tear in my psyche and debilitating migraines. One is within my control... the other isn't... yet. That I am incomplete as a person weakens me to the migraines... and erodes my ability to function with them; I am certain of that.
I know intellectually that the two are different; yet my mind feels compelled when I am under the effects of a migraine to tear open the still-healing wounds in in heart and psyche. I cannot forget the feelings of being betrayed... the white hot hatred and jealousy burning inside me.... the crushing despair of being abandoned at the moment I was most vulnerable.
Like I said before, this is a slow death for the body. If I do not overcome it eventually it will kill me. But the man I was screams to be released... however the kind person I was will be completely destroyed by the cruel circumstances in my current life. The life I have now is tepid, mediocre and safe... the life that I yearn to return to will pit me against untold challenges... something that is daunting for a man who can barely sit upright during a migraine attack.
We are born mostly blank... our souls unblemished by pain, sorrow and regret; some of that is expected and the resistance helps build us up. But when we choose to live in fear of our own potential, in fear of our own emotions then the accumulations threaten to destroy us... and we rightly deserve it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)