Not Fade Away

This week I moved from my Dad's house to my uncles house; I was having problems being around my father and his frequent temper tantrums. The anger and tension in the air drove me into isolation which further compounded how alone and helpless I had been feeling.

Part of me is a ruthless warrior, it doesn't understand mercy or fear.
The other is afraid of everything, a helpless child.

For awhile it's felt like the writer, the warrior, the poet... the very core of me has been fading away. And when that core fades all that is left is an empty and very much alone shell of a man.
The torment in my heart is not between good and evil, law or chaos: but between courage and fear; between someone who is in love with life and unafraid of it's challenges... and someone who is afraid of life and filled with apathy.

I win and lose this battle in increments. Some days I will gain ground and some days I will lose it. To an outside it appears as if little changes... to me it feels although I have been swimming in sand for weeks to keep myself from going under. But each day I remain in this gridlock I do not grow; I do not strive or achieve... Each day I miss more and more opportunity to truly be alive. A tiny piece of me fades forever unacknowledged or fulfilled.

Incremental battles are Pyrrhic and fighting them does me no good. In the end I may find victory but I will have no prize. I will have spent my best years embroiled in needless turmoil. Therefore I have assumed a heroic stance; the ruthless warrior and the coward must of necessity be the ones to fade way. The battle must turn outwards into the world and the inside must be united.

This week has been one of the best in a long time. I've made amazing progress both inward and outward in a relatively short period of time. I've gotten rid of a lot of my misplaced anger and gotten a degree of confidence back. I am by no means well again; but for the first time in what seems like ages I feel like I'm not sinking hopelessly into the sand.

I calmly approach the future knowing at any moment something wonderful or terrible could happen upon me; But something in me feels certain that once I recovery fully I can seize life by the balls. I will not stay silent or linger in the corners filled with darkness. I will not as the poem reads "go quietly into the night" and I will not fade away until I have left my battles, my legacy, my words and my dreams engraved into the very soul & psyche of humanity.