Coasting on empty.

Have you ever ran a race? The thrill is something special... you can't find it anywhere else. You run and run and run. It's not about beating another guy down but finding something in yourself to push forward. Breaking down walls, ignoring pain and testing your limits. Yes there is another guy doing the same thing next to me, and behind me, and in front of me. If I focus on the guy in front or behind me then I lose that inner focus and falter.

I pushed myself hard, overcame obstacles I thought too tall to scale. Fought enemies cloaked in an air of invincibility. Yet now my pace has slowed. I stop and look around only to realize that I no longer have that terrible enemy to pace myself against. It some moments I let sadness in, I remember the terrible things that happened and the price I paid to defeat it. Instead of wallow I acknowledge this sadness and prepare for my future. 3/4 of my life is left. (at least) And I had better get to work to finish everything I've got cooking. I don't have time to be sad and to wallow and pout.

When I turn inwards I see how the changes have marked me, I alter my choice slightly. I imagine it's something like the starship enterprise. Picard was a badass for sure; but what happens while they are flying around at warp speed and almost hit a planet? You can't know where everything is, what about other ships? You can't keep track of everything in space. I like to imagine that while picard is blasting around space his ship makes little corrections in the course. It adjusts for a ship here, a planet there; perhaps a stray black hole or pulsar.
Life is much the same. The vast majority of people fixate on one aspect of life. They assume that if they find someone that loves them and find a decent job they have it made. It's a sad world that people limit their ambitions to so little.
They attend the same church, talk with the same people, play the same types of games, read the same types of books, eat the same kinds of foods.

It can be argued that humans are creatures of comfort and routine. More order and less chaos creates the apperance of control over life. If a surprise is delightful... then why limit yourself to a set course in life. I'm certain it's not going to provide you many surprises. Simply variations of the same things you've seen and done before. Perhaps it can simple fear. Fear is so very powerful it destroys, erodes, unravels. People keep secrets because they are afraid of the consquences of those secrets being known. People keep silly things a secret because of fear, most often it is a secret desire or lust; why not let it out? Why hold in something because of fear?

I have known fear, sometimes I can conquer it and sometimes I cannot. But always I am better when I do conquer it. Fear of not acting is not a reason for inaction. Delay perhaps; assessment? of course. How does this connect to my title head and earlier statements? Well it's a pretty direct course actually.

The last year was hell on my body. I went from being an able fighter and athlete to barely able to open my own bottles. I had sharpened mental focus which is also gone. Perhaps thinking they would always be there was a terrible sin. My hubris is truly opportunity however. I get the chance to rebuild much of who I am from scratch. I've outlined a plan. Much like me it needs some meat on it's bones... but for the moment it serves me just fine. Running a marathon on empty doesn't do it for me.

The first step is to detoxify my body, mind and spirit.
This is quite possibly the hardest step of all. For 3 days I cannot consume anything aside from rye bread with peanut butter and water.
After that I will add milk and non-sugar based juices. I'm very concerned that I could give myself diabetes with my addiction to caffine based drinks. That addiction will cause a great deal of painful withdrawals. To offset them I'll allow myself a can of soda on the 6th day. I will add food to my diet over time until I have a diet that can support my new lifestyle. Can I eat junk food? Sure. But not all of the time. Can I drink soda? Sure. But I have to drink enough water to flush it out. That could mean 13-14 glasses of water a day or more. Eventuallly I hope to phase such an addicition out of my life all together.

I'll fill in the other details later today. I may or may not post them here though.