Forgiveness

I’ve come down off the roller coaster of the last few weeks very successfully.
Since I am only now getting back to the work I love (and hate) I have had a lot of time to think and meditate on what path I walk now.

Some people have misunderstood my earlier blogpost relating to death. I did not in fact try to kill myself; rather I didn’t particularly want to stay alive. My body had maxed out on pain and I simply wanted to move on. It was a peaceful almost serene feeling. I didn’t feel bad about the things left undone, or the people I would leave behind. I felt completely detached from everything in the world.

Reality has such gravity to me after that. Everything seems more real then it was before. Colors are more vibrant and sharp; food has more taste and aroma. The unworldliness I brushed upon changed me in ways I didn’t notice immediately.

The second thing I noticed was an argument I had online just recently. I asserted that anyone who neglected spirituality was broken as a human being. I debated with great fervor the existence of god and of deeper spiritual meaning. While I’ve long believed in god and of deeper spiritual meaning, I never forcefully asserted it to a non-believer. I felt oddly compelled to do so in this case.

It feels like the experience has allowed me to grow spiritually in ways I hadn’t realized or expected. While emotionally I feel disconnected still, spiritually I feel calm and fulfilled.
If I am becoming something else I am doing so at without my perception. My thoughts and feelings appear the same, yet I am most certainly not the same person I was months ago. The rush of thoughts on the matter overwhelmed me and it is only now I can speak of them with clarity.

I started to work out again, I’ve started to meditate and practice my Qigong again. My body is slowly forgetting the terrible pain it has endured. I feel oddly alive to stretch my legs and run again. I appreciate the beauty of the trees and stars once more. It took death to fully understand that I was taking life for granted. I don’t think I will ever hate the sensation of a good midnight run.

I cannot be free of all burdens however. Some weigh upon me so heavily that I feel compelled to struggle and free myself. One is forgiveness.

It can be said that I have great emotional endurance, that I can withstand incredible amounts of punishment before I finally yield. That endurance was pushed to it’s limited and broken over a year ago when I first became ill. Since then I have had limited emotional strength in my life. It was not one cut, but a hundred biting stinging wounds that bled me of my strength.

When you hold in hurt and anger it consumes you like a fire. Repressed feelings become deviant and unhealthy… sometimes they lead to obsession, apathy or deeper more unsettling deviance. In the past I sought forgiveness and to mend the small wounds. When you do not keep attending to them the wounds reopen and bleed anew. They are not given a full chance to heal. Many of those wounds now close, I have dozens and dozens left to fix. The hardest ones however are impossible.

Trust and forgiveness are precious and powerful things. I feel that before I move on I must attempt to do as much as possible. In my spirit I feel that I it is somehow vital that I repair all my relationships, from the smallest to the most deepest. Mostly I have been successful, but a few holdouts refuse to talk to me, or are outright hostile. Some of been tricked into believing I am more sinister then I am in truth. Miscommunication and false information have made an unflattering mockery of my true self.

More spiritual? Yes. But my heart still bleeds when it is cut. It is an emptiness to overcome with friendship and love. I am most tired. Perhaps I’ll clear this up tomorrow. Goodnight.