World of Insight?

This post has been stewing in my head for some weeks trying to take a fitting form... but really I think it's because I'm afraid to write it then any writers block.

It's really a poorly kept secret that my health isn't good, bad enough that in fact that I was forced to leave my job and live a lean simple life off savings and scavenging. I've had little to no luck in fighting the migraines and perpetual pain that I've been feeling for the past half year. If my weight loss follows the trend it has I will be within double digits in the next week or so.
So needless to say I've been pretty miserable aside from a new moments I can gleam with Holley, Warren or Ashlyn.

Writing, the outdoors, most video games, books and most activities that require alot of thought have been nixxed. That leaves TV and World of Warcraft.

WoW rarely requires me to think, the fact of the matter is I can play it completely off instinct and be completely fine. Adul only requires 4-5 keys to play and rarely has a situation that isn't handled by copious amounts of Fireball. WoW gives me alot of time to think... and it gives a tiny window into my past.

You see it's simple. When I played Dawnstalker I was in good health, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically in top shape. I was ruthless and cunning to my enemies and kind and loving to my friends. I had an eye for detail, patience and insight. Aside from a few debacles here and there I was well known on the server and generally well liked. Dawn was the very ideal of the perfection I seek in my life.

However when my real life turned sour so did my persona. The guild I poured myself into building turned on me and fell into ruin. Which mattered little to me because of the chaos and desperation I faced in reality. I could have easily turned back to the fictional world of Azaroth and buried myself so deeply in it that reality disappeared. But I didn't and it was a very long time before I did return.

After all that happened I couldn't bear the idea of playing Dawn anymore, the memories she brought back literally physically hurt me. So I used my first high level character Adul (Transfered from my old server of Kel-thuzad). Adul was another era entirely for me, It was with Adul that I learned I had skills in leadership, organazing and group tactics. Adul was training for Dawn and I didn't fully understand that until I dusted him off and played him again.

When I finished leveling Adul I quickly got to work on his raiding gear. For those of you who don't know much about games of this genre... it requires a fair amount of time commitment to gather all the things needed for truly great gear. In Adul's case it's Spellfire.... now like the name suggests it's built for characters who use magical fire and the materials for it mainly drop off guys that are completely immune to fire. That means Adul would require an obscene amount of time to craft his gear. (My frost damage being quite sad.) Dawn however can kill these troublesome mobs effortlessly; painful as it was if I wanted to advance I had to play Dawn.

If playing Adul is easy then playing Dawn is a hundred times more so. When I stopped playing her she had the best gear in the game and a signficant stockpile of resources. The memories she invoked lead me to a line of thinking I had pondered and discarded long ago. You see I can see how different I am compared to before. I have a weak sense of self and I constantly seek approval and attention. Before I was happy sitting in the shadows watching (I had an ego then too and wasn't afraid to show it off... but this is just pathetic now) and enjoying the satisfaction of my work.

My self esteem isn't the primary cause for concern. Dawn invoked powerful memories of betryal in me. I realized for the first time that my failure to resolve them was still causing me pain. I'm not even talking about WoW mostly. When my world collapsed I was hurt and angry... in turn I hurt others and became hated. There are hundreds of studies that document the link between emotional health and physical health. There are even afew books I own that cover it in great deal. I think perhaps I buried my pain so deeply that it transformed itself.

I get angry now for no reason, I get depressed over nothing. I have pain that I have never in my entire life felt. For most of my life I never got angry; I was even-tempered and calm. Depression was occasional but never lasted long.

Playing Dawn helped me remember that when I had problems I would attack them face on, when something was wrong I fixed it right away. There are many many people that have hurt me and that I am have hurt... many of whom no longer speak to me. Could it really be the answer? Will my body heal when my heart and soul no longer feel this burden?
I'm going to revisit this. But for now I must rest.

One Hit KO

Several people have commented on the lack of activity. I feel I should explain the situation and remedy it as quickly as possible.

Two weeks ago I started getting headaches. Not minor headaches. Full-blown migraines.
My entire life I’ve rarely ever gotten headaches, and never migraines. I took some painkillers and went back to my day. Later that night I attended a LAN party and nearly passed out. Since then I have been in a cycle of slowly rising headaches followed by crippling migraines. As I have no health insurance and significant debt from my previous health problems I cannot see a doctor.

For me the migraine is perhaps the ultimate and most potent enemy. Years back when I was stronger I could simply will away a minor headache or shut down pain completely in an injured limb. It was one of a variety of interesting abilities I picked up in my life. Another was the ability to control my heart rate, body temp, breathing and metabolism.
Such gifts are wonderful and incredibly useful in many situations. They are however just that: Gifts.

They are gifts that require a certain outlook on life, they require a strong spirit and a soul free of artificial evils (I.E. Greed, lust, sloth. Etc). I became unworthy of them when I slipped into a selfish and ultimately self-damaging path. It requires an unconventional combination of perfectionist and zen guru to avoid excesses and focus on goals and self improvement.

At the LAN party I was playing Warcraft 3 when my migraine struck so fiercely that I nearly passed out. Warcraft 3 isn’t a regular game to me; I’m a champion at it. Literally.
I was playing my best race, with my beat hero on a map I knew very well.
The harder I would focus the more intense the migraine became. I was ambushed, pincer-ed and destroyed. It was by the barest of margins that I slipped my workers away and rebuilt.

My teammate was dead, my base was destroyed and my two heroes were level 4 and 3. My enemies (people I taught to play, so hardly weak) had 7 heroes over level 6 between the 4 of them. Each skirmish, each calculation turned the screws again until my body began to convulse. This would be where most people give up. But I kept building, kept scouting and kept planning.

Finally my chance arrived, In a spectacular battle I killed 5 enemy heroes, 2 full armies and the bases they were guarding. If I had been at full health it would’ve been an impossible feat. But with my arms violently shaking and my eyes filled with searing pain it surpassed anything within human capacity. I won that incredible but meaningless victory. Shortly afterwards the pain forced me to collapse.

The reason migraines are so awful is they get worse when you concentrate. The intense mental focus required for RTS games is one example of something not wise to do under a migraine attack. The harder I pushed myself the worse the migraine became. It might seem silly that I endured so much pain because of a game. But I feel that if anything is worth doing it is worth doing well. You should never quit something you love and you should never give up.

The gift to surpass your human limits, even for a short time is one that I lost from my own folly. It seems a tad unusual but I was able, for that one battle to surpass my limits in every way. I have freed myself from that terrible and haunting pain by the strength of my own spirit.

Up to this point I haven’t been able to write very well, but I am slowly learning to understand and control the headaches enough that I can resume a normal work and play.If I am right, willpower and soul are enough to overcome anything. Anything.