Have you ever tried to do something you knew was impossible just because of pride or ego? I did that today. My instincts as a raid leader told me that I should've cancelled and I didn't listen. I don't really know what bothers me more. Losing or knowing that I tried to do something I knew was impossible.
Don't get me wrong, if there is a way to win I'll find it no matter how difficult the going is. But when you must rely on others the variables change quite a bit. Now I have lost reputation because of this failure and my next attempt if any will be that much weaker. Ego is a powerful enemy sometimes.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Sakura Wars
Wow... I didn't see anyone put crack in my drink but...
Excellent characters, clean animation, steam powered spiritual armor. and lets not forget a psychic french girl with a teddy bear. Yeah crazy stuff.
Been thinking a lot about the tenets of my beliefs. For example that nothing is permanet in life and the acceptance thereof. It's true i've brushed with death many times, but that doesn't make it easier to accept that I may too some day die. Everything dies and I should be no different, that is the law of nature. I.. I want to accept that eventually and what it implies. If something as lingering as a person can be erased by time then so can that persons work, their memory and their accomplishments. I guess in the end it's true that it doesn't matter what other people think but that each moment is for me to decide. Being free of that burden feels amazing.
Much to think on.
Excellent characters, clean animation, steam powered spiritual armor. and lets not forget a psychic french girl with a teddy bear. Yeah crazy stuff.
Been thinking a lot about the tenets of my beliefs. For example that nothing is permanet in life and the acceptance thereof. It's true i've brushed with death many times, but that doesn't make it easier to accept that I may too some day die. Everything dies and I should be no different, that is the law of nature. I.. I want to accept that eventually and what it implies. If something as lingering as a person can be erased by time then so can that persons work, their memory and their accomplishments. I guess in the end it's true that it doesn't matter what other people think but that each moment is for me to decide. Being free of that burden feels amazing.
Much to think on.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Dreams
Sleep is for me the ultimate brainstorming. Each night my mind treats me with a story I've never read. Characters I have never seen before. And each night before that story is finished I must awaken once again. It's true there are days I wish I can sleep forever and watch the stories unfold. But if I sleep all the time who will tell them?
Monday, June 26, 2006
Excess
After some serious thought I decided I needed some guidelines to live my life by, with the sheer number of things left for me to accomplish I can't afford to dick around anymore.
Here is the one I decided on today:
Moderation in everything, even in moderation itself.
This means I seek to curb excess while remaining flexable on the notion that focus is sometimes essential. Little signs of excess creep into every aspect of life. General health, social life, work and even relaxation and entertainment. I could benefit from less mountain dew and more water and less world of warcraft and more reading. Now to curb the excess of insomnia...
Here is the one I decided on today:
Moderation in everything, even in moderation itself.
This means I seek to curb excess while remaining flexable on the notion that focus is sometimes essential. Little signs of excess creep into every aspect of life. General health, social life, work and even relaxation and entertainment. I could benefit from less mountain dew and more water and less world of warcraft and more reading. Now to curb the excess of insomnia...
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
A concept without focus
Before there was always a guiding light in my path, goals that overroad all else in my life. Derailed for long years by various evils I lost track of them. I did not follow but instead wandered meaninglessly. Even now I wander without meaning... I have known this and could not find the strength to change it.
Where do you find the strength to work against yourself?
Can you call upon god? perhaps some deep spiritual well that remains untapped.
When I fought against myself I always lost; in the context I just said that in there can be no other answer. But during my struggle the context was that of a being different from me. I refused to accept it as a part of myself and lost the correct perception to deal with it.
Had a few key events gone differently things would've been much different, the love and support I now seek would've gone a long way in those dark days.
I have to admit that there is a dark spot in my heart now, grown strong from hatred and rejection... sorrow and heartbreak. It may be erased or cut to size someday but for now I cannot go a day without thinking of those events that nudged me further into a destructive spiral. I am not normally a man of prayer, but I think tonight I will pray for those I have wronged... and those who have wronged me. I want to be rid of this cloud of darkness that hangs about me. It's nothing I can do alone and precious few seem interested in helping me.
Where do you find the strength to work against yourself?
Can you call upon god? perhaps some deep spiritual well that remains untapped.
When I fought against myself I always lost; in the context I just said that in there can be no other answer. But during my struggle the context was that of a being different from me. I refused to accept it as a part of myself and lost the correct perception to deal with it.
Had a few key events gone differently things would've been much different, the love and support I now seek would've gone a long way in those dark days.
I have to admit that there is a dark spot in my heart now, grown strong from hatred and rejection... sorrow and heartbreak. It may be erased or cut to size someday but for now I cannot go a day without thinking of those events that nudged me further into a destructive spiral. I am not normally a man of prayer, but I think tonight I will pray for those I have wronged... and those who have wronged me. I want to be rid of this cloud of darkness that hangs about me. It's nothing I can do alone and precious few seem interested in helping me.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Taken from a page.
Here is some stuff I was messing around with in a story, Because I haven't decided what I'm going to do with it I thought it might be fun to post some here. Consider these blind quotes from me rather then part of a story.
There are worse things then dying for what you believe in; could you live with that regret?
If I leave my sword at your steps goddess... I will not abandon my courage or my hope. Yes.. I no longer need the strength of steel and bone.
You fought for love; and you were spurned. You fought for glory and now your name is reviled. Everything you hold dear has been destroyed by your own hands... and yet you still draw steel against me? Turn back!
As the dawn sky lifted over the city... man, elf, angel and demon looked out over the walls. Where the maiden stood as the enemy approached: there was no sign of life, thousands of broken bodies littered the walls... each dying in place. Not a single warrior fled; the archer's quivers were emptied and their knives drawn. The enemy had been pushed back to the first wall and fled; each soldier paid his life in full for it. Of fallen maiden who held the charge she not could be seen; her sword that was bright in the darkness vanished as the light streamed down into the rubble.
If you guys haven't noticed I hate writing something and not using it.
There are worse things then dying for what you believe in; could you live with that regret?
If I leave my sword at your steps goddess... I will not abandon my courage or my hope. Yes.. I no longer need the strength of steel and bone.
You fought for love; and you were spurned. You fought for glory and now your name is reviled. Everything you hold dear has been destroyed by your own hands... and yet you still draw steel against me? Turn back!
As the dawn sky lifted over the city... man, elf, angel and demon looked out over the walls. Where the maiden stood as the enemy approached: there was no sign of life, thousands of broken bodies littered the walls... each dying in place. Not a single warrior fled; the archer's quivers were emptied and their knives drawn. The enemy had been pushed back to the first wall and fled; each soldier paid his life in full for it. Of fallen maiden who held the charge she not could be seen; her sword that was bright in the darkness vanished as the light streamed down into the rubble.
If you guys haven't noticed I hate writing something and not using it.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
A Quick Note
Starting next week I'm going to start posting 6 times a week. I'm not sure about the subject matter or anything yet. But I can guess it will be some of the material I promised earlier.
Happy Fathers Day
Happy Fathers Day! Giving the title of today I thought I'd write something along those lines.
I've heard that anyone can be a father; but it takes effort to be a dad.
Not a bad way to think, but it's deeper then that. A real father fosters his ideals in his children. Children are born innocent; something the world will soon take from them. Some fathers try to hold onto the innocence forever. A real father instilled in his children morality, courage, faith and things that will protect them from the horrors of the world. Without a father to show us the beauty of the world it would be easy to grow pragmatic or pessimistic. I never had such a father, my father only taught me how ugly the world was and how much it could hurt you.
I only learned from my father how to destroy and abuse. I'll teach my children someday that the world is a beautiful place AND teach them to deal with the darker side of it. There is no reason to be a slave to one ideology over another. I don't just want to have children of my own, but I want to teach children the world over with my words and ideas. The world is evil because we don't have enough good fathers. Where a hundred fall short... One man with courage and ideals can succeed. To be such a man you need a great teacher, if your not a father yet I urge you to be a teacher first.
I've heard that anyone can be a father; but it takes effort to be a dad.
Not a bad way to think, but it's deeper then that. A real father fosters his ideals in his children. Children are born innocent; something the world will soon take from them. Some fathers try to hold onto the innocence forever. A real father instilled in his children morality, courage, faith and things that will protect them from the horrors of the world. Without a father to show us the beauty of the world it would be easy to grow pragmatic or pessimistic. I never had such a father, my father only taught me how ugly the world was and how much it could hurt you.
I only learned from my father how to destroy and abuse. I'll teach my children someday that the world is a beautiful place AND teach them to deal with the darker side of it. There is no reason to be a slave to one ideology over another. I don't just want to have children of my own, but I want to teach children the world over with my words and ideas. The world is evil because we don't have enough good fathers. Where a hundred fall short... One man with courage and ideals can succeed. To be such a man you need a great teacher, if your not a father yet I urge you to be a teacher first.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A bit of Story
In the midst of a novel I am currently working on some stuff ended up on the cutting room floor that simply did not need to be in the novel itself. but since the story is compelling I thought to paraphrase it here for fun. Keep in mind all the important plot points, names etc are omitted. Some of this did make it into the final draft but I'm not saying how much. Also note that is strait from my head into blogger and not even close to the same style, language and complexity used in the actual writing. Rather this is something you would tell around a watercooler.
In her travels the paladin Gabrielle fought against terrible evil alongside her companions, Her sword the Legendary Angelfire shone with white fire when it was angry. Forged in the fires of the worlds creation the angelfire had no peer among god or mortal. Such was it's power that the gods exiled any who wielded it. The sword possessed a powerful will of it's own and overcame the maiden on a number of occasions. During a retreat from Brenntor to the western lands she was seperated from her companions and forced to wander along side the exiled Brenntorian knights. Among them she meet a conniving yet charming Dark Elf (Not Drow), The sword disapproved of their affection but could do nothing for several weeks. After a skimish in the death slit gorge she was injured and left for dead. The Dark Elf searched the dead and wounded for her but couldn't find her before the army shipped out. A few days later alerted by a frantic spell her companion Atkin Ro arrived.
Atkin Ro was a former sellsword (Merc) who gave himself in service to the goddess of healing after she restored his arms to him. He used his powerful magic to cure Gabrielle and the two fled the approaching army for the safety of the knights march. After several fitful days of marching the swords anger festered in her mind. Filled with thoughts of her lovers betrayal she pushed on harder and harder until the knights were finally in sight. With each step the sword spoke of the elves possible betryal and the new lovers he could persue. When she reached his tent he was asleep aside a bottle of elven wine, She held the raging angelfire above her head and plunged it into his heart. The elf's eyes flew open and he did not scream; even as the searing flames consumed his body. All he did was mouth "I love you". Within a second her rage cleared and she removed the pulsing wrathful blade, wordlessly her innocent lover died.
Realizing now the terrible thing she had done Gabrielle marched out of camp to the east toward the land of Dragons. Arriving only a few moments too late Atkin Ro found the elves battered body. His Goddess Avolin appeared in the depths of his mind telling him the tale of the lovers who could not find happiness. "Her soul is not yet beyond redemption my servent, if you truly love her I give to you the gift of restoring lost souls. Mend his body and I will send the soul back to you. Only with the love of one also cast from the light can she find happiness and lay her torment behind her". Focusing his energies and devotion Atkin Ro prayed with all his heart, Though cast from the light his actions were unselfish and the gods restored him.
Atkin Ro and the Elf travelled together following Gabrielle all throughout the war, always they would appear one step behind her path of destruction. When they met on the Thorne road leading back to Brenntor Gabrielle had amassed an army of followers. Turned away from the wisdom of the gods she sought her own path out of a world filled with more and more evil. The elf tossed aside his bow and sword and walk to the hellbent maiden. The angelfire hissed with energy as he stepped toward her, the army winced and grew anxious with each step.
"My love, I have forgiven you". Gabrielle stood unmoved, her armes eyes wandered between them constantly. "You are a fool she spat, I am happy to fight for my people. I do not need the fetid bed of a dark elf" Stung by her hateful words the elf lowered his head. "Gabrielle..." Atkin Ro urged "don't do this, come back with us." Her eyes flashed with hatred, then cooled to a icy glare. "I will kill you Servant of a false god and your pathedic elven wretch. The sword twisted her mind making imperfect into evil, flaw into obsession. In her eyes was the suffering her people endured and her heart could not carry it all. As they walked away both knew that she would never love again and lost was her last chance to be redeemed.
This was originally 8 chapters worth of the second book in my series, due to adjustments I had to cut most of it. Please enjoy this peak into my early creative process.
In her travels the paladin Gabrielle fought against terrible evil alongside her companions, Her sword the Legendary Angelfire shone with white fire when it was angry. Forged in the fires of the worlds creation the angelfire had no peer among god or mortal. Such was it's power that the gods exiled any who wielded it. The sword possessed a powerful will of it's own and overcame the maiden on a number of occasions. During a retreat from Brenntor to the western lands she was seperated from her companions and forced to wander along side the exiled Brenntorian knights. Among them she meet a conniving yet charming Dark Elf (Not Drow), The sword disapproved of their affection but could do nothing for several weeks. After a skimish in the death slit gorge she was injured and left for dead. The Dark Elf searched the dead and wounded for her but couldn't find her before the army shipped out. A few days later alerted by a frantic spell her companion Atkin Ro arrived.
Atkin Ro was a former sellsword (Merc) who gave himself in service to the goddess of healing after she restored his arms to him. He used his powerful magic to cure Gabrielle and the two fled the approaching army for the safety of the knights march. After several fitful days of marching the swords anger festered in her mind. Filled with thoughts of her lovers betrayal she pushed on harder and harder until the knights were finally in sight. With each step the sword spoke of the elves possible betryal and the new lovers he could persue. When she reached his tent he was asleep aside a bottle of elven wine, She held the raging angelfire above her head and plunged it into his heart. The elf's eyes flew open and he did not scream; even as the searing flames consumed his body. All he did was mouth "I love you". Within a second her rage cleared and she removed the pulsing wrathful blade, wordlessly her innocent lover died.
Realizing now the terrible thing she had done Gabrielle marched out of camp to the east toward the land of Dragons. Arriving only a few moments too late Atkin Ro found the elves battered body. His Goddess Avolin appeared in the depths of his mind telling him the tale of the lovers who could not find happiness. "Her soul is not yet beyond redemption my servent, if you truly love her I give to you the gift of restoring lost souls. Mend his body and I will send the soul back to you. Only with the love of one also cast from the light can she find happiness and lay her torment behind her". Focusing his energies and devotion Atkin Ro prayed with all his heart, Though cast from the light his actions were unselfish and the gods restored him.
Atkin Ro and the Elf travelled together following Gabrielle all throughout the war, always they would appear one step behind her path of destruction. When they met on the Thorne road leading back to Brenntor Gabrielle had amassed an army of followers. Turned away from the wisdom of the gods she sought her own path out of a world filled with more and more evil. The elf tossed aside his bow and sword and walk to the hellbent maiden. The angelfire hissed with energy as he stepped toward her, the army winced and grew anxious with each step.
"My love, I have forgiven you". Gabrielle stood unmoved, her armes eyes wandered between them constantly. "You are a fool she spat, I am happy to fight for my people. I do not need the fetid bed of a dark elf" Stung by her hateful words the elf lowered his head. "Gabrielle..." Atkin Ro urged "don't do this, come back with us." Her eyes flashed with hatred, then cooled to a icy glare. "I will kill you Servant of a false god and your pathedic elven wretch. The sword twisted her mind making imperfect into evil, flaw into obsession. In her eyes was the suffering her people endured and her heart could not carry it all. As they walked away both knew that she would never love again and lost was her last chance to be redeemed.
This was originally 8 chapters worth of the second book in my series, due to adjustments I had to cut most of it. Please enjoy this peak into my early creative process.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Creeping Doom
The 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons Players handbook Describes Creeping Doom as such:
Creeping Doom
Conjuration (Summoning)
Level: Drd 7
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 Round
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels/100 ft; see text.
Effect: One Swarm of centipedes per two levels.
Duration: 1 min. /level
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No
When you uter the spell of creeping doom, you call forth a mass of centipede swarms (one per two caster levels, to a max of ten swarms at 20th level), which need not appear adjacent to one another.
You may summon the centipede swarms so that they share the area of other creatures. The swarms remain stationary, attacking any creatures in their area, unless you command the creeping doom to nove (a standard action) As a standard action, you can command any number of swarms to move toward any prey within 100 feet of you. You cannot command any swarm to move more then 100 feet away from you, and if you move more then 100 feet from any swarm' that swarm remains stationary attacking any creatures in it's area (But it can be commanded again if you move within 100 feet.)
After returning home from babysitting my sister I lead a successful raid on an enemy stronghold in World of Warcraft, The raid had been planned for weeks and couldn't be cancelled simply because I hadn't slept in 48 odd hours. Despite my worry and wear Cairne fell and I was lauded for my raid leading skills. Steadly my room has been getting a worse and worse smell, apparently the air condititioner on the other side of the wall started to leak. now my couch, wall and carpet are filled with mold, spores and mildew. I'm making it a project tomorrow to write a mold version of the above spell. In the meantime I'll be cleaning all night.
Creeping Doom
Conjuration (Summoning)
Level: Drd 7
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 Round
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels/100 ft; see text.
Effect: One Swarm of centipedes per two levels.
Duration: 1 min. /level
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No
When you uter the spell of creeping doom, you call forth a mass of centipede swarms (one per two caster levels, to a max of ten swarms at 20th level), which need not appear adjacent to one another.
You may summon the centipede swarms so that they share the area of other creatures. The swarms remain stationary, attacking any creatures in their area, unless you command the creeping doom to nove (a standard action) As a standard action, you can command any number of swarms to move toward any prey within 100 feet of you. You cannot command any swarm to move more then 100 feet away from you, and if you move more then 100 feet from any swarm' that swarm remains stationary attacking any creatures in it's area (But it can be commanded again if you move within 100 feet.)
After returning home from babysitting my sister I lead a successful raid on an enemy stronghold in World of Warcraft, The raid had been planned for weeks and couldn't be cancelled simply because I hadn't slept in 48 odd hours. Despite my worry and wear Cairne fell and I was lauded for my raid leading skills. Steadly my room has been getting a worse and worse smell, apparently the air condititioner on the other side of the wall started to leak. now my couch, wall and carpet are filled with mold, spores and mildew. I'm making it a project tomorrow to write a mold version of the above spell. In the meantime I'll be cleaning all night.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
The more things change...
The more they stay the same. Earlier (Last night as this is early morning) my dad was pulled over for his 10th (or 11th) DUI. I spent long years of my youth without a father for various reasons, This isn't my problem anymore; My problem is the year old daugher, fiancee and 4 step children he's put in danger. Any action you take effects others, like a rock in a pond the ripples are countless. My phone is on but I won't be near a computer for awhile, They don't have internet at my Step Mom's house.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
New Beginnings.
Each ending is in itself a new beginning. Everything in the universe acts according to it's nature without contention. Humans are unique in that they resist what is natural. A man wraps himself in the guise of civilization and acts against what should be. Just like the seasons a man's life cycles in obeyance to natural law; I have rejected the winter and now I walk into the spring that is so symbolic of things anew. Stubborn men fight against the seasons, they fight against nature. But a man who is truly wise sees the plans of nature and works with them. I will never be finished with my struggle and even if I were offered an end I would not accept it. I am this way for a reason and I intend to follow it to it's end.
Too long I have hide myself from others, My isolation numbed the pain I suffered. But the blade had two edges. Where is my joy? I cannot heal until I accept that it is important to trust again. There are some I can never trust, and some I can only trust a certain way. But that is natural and I do not contend with it. The balm of my soul is friendship and companionship. Too long I have tried to be heroic and deal with my problems alone. Does this mean I lay my problems before another and walk away? Of course not but the strength of a friend bolsters the soul, the company of rival or friend lifts the spirit and sharpens the mind. In this I ask and offer all who read to hear me and extend their hands. Some have grown to hold contempt of me and that contempt is well earned. others have grown distrustful of deception or fear the darker side I sought so hard to control. If you deny me you rob us both of opportunity.
What good is a life that cannot be shared? Eating a meal alone is certainly efficent but you lose the merriment of friends and family. Traveling alone is almost always faster but you miss the insights of your companions. Even a rival of different temperment is a good companion and helps us challenge our misconceptions. I will say no more about this. You know who you are and if you are even reading this your choice will not be swayed by words of mine.
I now support myself off my words and ideas. I have been told that I have a natural affinity for words and in that there may be some truth. But it is not a skill for wordplay or a studied hand that makes me a writer. I write from my heart, sometimes my heart is heavy and my words to match. Other times they soar to the heavens and their call echos to the depths of the soul. Sometimes my words are foolish and silly or fraught with errior, I am bound to make mistakes as I learn.I want to succeed and to do that I need to pull myself back together. A heart can be mended with kind words and empathy, a broken body can be nursed with compassion, a heavy soul given release. I asked and still ask for the help of any who can spare it, If you can spare love, affection, friendship or companionship then I would appreciate it.
Too long I have hide myself from others, My isolation numbed the pain I suffered. But the blade had two edges. Where is my joy? I cannot heal until I accept that it is important to trust again. There are some I can never trust, and some I can only trust a certain way. But that is natural and I do not contend with it. The balm of my soul is friendship and companionship. Too long I have tried to be heroic and deal with my problems alone. Does this mean I lay my problems before another and walk away? Of course not but the strength of a friend bolsters the soul, the company of rival or friend lifts the spirit and sharpens the mind. In this I ask and offer all who read to hear me and extend their hands. Some have grown to hold contempt of me and that contempt is well earned. others have grown distrustful of deception or fear the darker side I sought so hard to control. If you deny me you rob us both of opportunity.
What good is a life that cannot be shared? Eating a meal alone is certainly efficent but you lose the merriment of friends and family. Traveling alone is almost always faster but you miss the insights of your companions. Even a rival of different temperment is a good companion and helps us challenge our misconceptions. I will say no more about this. You know who you are and if you are even reading this your choice will not be swayed by words of mine.
I now support myself off my words and ideas. I have been told that I have a natural affinity for words and in that there may be some truth. But it is not a skill for wordplay or a studied hand that makes me a writer. I write from my heart, sometimes my heart is heavy and my words to match. Other times they soar to the heavens and their call echos to the depths of the soul. Sometimes my words are foolish and silly or fraught with errior, I am bound to make mistakes as I learn.I want to succeed and to do that I need to pull myself back together. A heart can be mended with kind words and empathy, a broken body can be nursed with compassion, a heavy soul given release. I asked and still ask for the help of any who can spare it, If you can spare love, affection, friendship or companionship then I would appreciate it.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Long Over Due
Of the past months I can only say that after walking through hell the thought of heaven seems all the better. That’s a metaphor of course. My health has been shattered, my weight hovers around double digits and the pain keeps disrupting my thoughts. People I loved have carelessly smashed my heart and even my faith has been uprooted. I was forced to quit my job and live in isolation.
While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.
I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.
I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.
I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.
I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.
I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.
I am lazy. Nuff said.
I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.
I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.
In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.
While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.
I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.
I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.
I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.
I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.
I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.
I am lazy. Nuff said.
I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.
I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.
In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.
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