A concept without focus

Before there was always a guiding light in my path, goals that overroad all else in my life. Derailed for long years by various evils I lost track of them. I did not follow but instead wandered meaninglessly. Even now I wander without meaning... I have known this and could not find the strength to change it.

Where do you find the strength to work against yourself?
Can you call upon god? perhaps some deep spiritual well that remains untapped.
When I fought against myself I always lost; in the context I just said that in there can be no other answer. But during my struggle the context was that of a being different from me. I refused to accept it as a part of myself and lost the correct perception to deal with it.
Had a few key events gone differently things would've been much different, the love and support I now seek would've gone a long way in those dark days.

I have to admit that there is a dark spot in my heart now, grown strong from hatred and rejection... sorrow and heartbreak. It may be erased or cut to size someday but for now I cannot go a day without thinking of those events that nudged me further into a destructive spiral. I am not normally a man of prayer, but I think tonight I will pray for those I have wronged... and those who have wronged me. I want to be rid of this cloud of darkness that hangs about me. It's nothing I can do alone and precious few seem interested in helping me.