Acceptable Fuel

What is fuel for the soul?

The sadness and lonliness I have felt has slowly become anger. It's not an anger I can deal with it. To me anger is a burst of fire; powerful, passionate and gone quickly. A lingering vengeful hatred isn't something I have practice dealing with. Is anger an acceptable fuel? Can I channel that anger into the creative and productive? The famous chinese saying "The fire you set for an enemy can burn you as well" applies here; anger and frustration have a way of consuming a person almost past redemption and it's not something I want to happen to me.

Anger is a fuel to the soul; I could let my sorrow and hared consume me again. Become what I hate most and be free of the burden of fighting it... the temptation is so great that I cannot describe it. To give into that darkness once more and be free... as much as I hate it a part of me yearns for it again. Love and companionship saved me once before... now I hang on with the barest of willpower; by logic I should starve my enemy of fuel... douse the hatred with love. I don't feel love anymore however. My heart is scarred from too much pain and strife.

It reminds me of the plateu challenge, when I'm bored I find answers to difficult tactical problems. One of them was the defense of the city of Brenntor in my novel. Built on a plateau with mountains east and west; ocean to the north and layer upon layer of marble wall to the south. The men of brenntor number 1 million and the shadowlanders who lay siege equal 12.
The men of brenntor are brillant, loyal and strong. They defeated the shadowlanders invasion twice by clever use of water flooding down between the walls like channels. To a being of the shadowlands water is like acid. No matter how perfect your defense you cannot defeat your enemy without the right tactics.

I don't know anymore. Maybe it's not worth fighting myself anymore.