Dream Reflection

So my earlier posts are conclusive proof I can't control my lucid dreaming very easily.
Willpower is like any other developed trait; if you don't use it you can kiss it goodbye.
It seems like so much in my life is like that. I'm barely keeping friendships alive. I may as well put an IV on most of them. I don't feel like whining about it. I've put out pleas for friendship before and they fell on deaf ears.

I may not have employed willpower but I did break down the barriers inside me. Human beings are complex and I am no exception. I have laid in reflection of the events of my life over and over. I understand some things and others I am confused about. In my perspective a person has three aspects: Emotional-Mental/Physical/Spiritual.
The dynamics of the relationship between the three is well documented elsewhere so I won't elaborate on that. I will say that for me all three have been very low. I want to say that it wasn't my fault that it happened. But thats a boldfaced lie, I made the choices that lead to my fall. It was I who accepted burden after burden until my back broke. People around me suffered unduely because of it.

In my dream I described the sensation of a struggling Tyrant and Saint. That is how I have felt for a long time. On the one hand I believe a person should explore his feelings and let them out. But what if your feelings are too dark? What if that would hurt people? It isn't such an easy choice then. I didn't explore my feelings or let them out; when I did finally release them it was torrent too powerful to control. The typical emotional responses followed: Apathy, Depression and Anger. The lucid dreams have taught me alot. In the first dream I was afraid to fight, I only fought when I was cornered like an animal would be. In the second dream I fought with an unhuman bloodlust. It is a strange dichotochy that someone who was so obssessed with love and affection would also be drawn towards violence and bloodshed.

I struggled to understand myself out of desperation. I dug for answers in the darkest parts of my past. I tried to understand why I had such a dark and terrible side. I could tell you the conclusions, it's the same story a hundred times over and telling it wouldn't change anything. It wasn't until I rememberd that I had conquered that evil that I began to get better. Evil is empowered by that stagnation and breeds within it. A stagnation of mind, body and spirit.
I am not out of the swamp yet. I am not that rash.

Also in the dream I fought a shadowman. All my life I have had dreams like this. Strange men with an eerie familarity have invaded my dreams. I did in fact learn the lucid dreaming technique in the first place to confront them. It wasn't until later that I learned it had entertainment aspects to it. (I hope to get into those soon)
The battles were the same every time. I could only win at the cost of my old life. A marytr.
I think secretly everyone dreams of being a martyr; to bravely give your life for people who mistreated you. The greater the feelings of resentment the greater the need to "prove" or absolve oneself of those feelings. If the Shadowmen (or man in the case of my recent dreams) are a part of my psyche I cannot fight them forever. I should instead understand and cope with them.

Other points about the dream and it's ramifications:

I am sorry to Jenni, my dreams did not treat you well. Not only were you a ghoul but you had your arms removed while I was fighting the shadowman. The obvious conclusions are all there. But I think there is one deeper point. Inside my dream I felt that we were the same. My physical apperance (as oddly mutated as it was) was similar to yours. Something worth deeper consideration.

Todd (The gambler) did not appear in my second dream. Odd? Perhaps.

Blackham (The Icy Maiden) did not appear in my second dream. Between the first and second dream I underwent a series of smaller changes. I was in a sense more spiritually focused. Blackham did not appear in the second dream either which seems to indicate a shift in my feelings. Having a better grip on myself emotionally my old feelings were less likely to "leak out" and taint the dream the second time around. This is a relief to me.

Sollah and Piiky: No idea on that one. I don't even know Sollah. Shes just a fun little girl (Sorry Sollah I think of you as little) that I play games with. I did talk to her one desperate night and considered her words thoughtfully. This is perhaps my minds way of manifesting those kind words; I'm not really sure what to think on this one.

Dwight the conflicted assasin: In my little cast of characters this is the one I understand least. Dwight has at many times been helpful to me... I admit there is a dark side to his personality. But the light/dark conflicted assasin seems to exaggerated. I suppose it does fit the nature of dreams to exaggerate things but it the light of reality it seems off and difficult to subject to a inspection. In the end a sudden tactical move resulted in the shadowman turning the assasins bloodlust against me. Given that within my dream I felt the same kind of bloodlust I saw in him I wonder if this is a warning about myself? It's certainly easier to observe something within yourself through someone else.

One more thing within my dream I want to point out before I go to sleep.
In the first dream I was fleeing, in the second dream I was fleeing AND seeking.
Now at first glance it's obvious that I have painful memories in New York. But... I don't know.. I don't think I was fleeing a person or a place per say. I can't put my finger on it, I have a feeling this one will torment me for many weeks. It's not in my nature to flee or give up. I always want to fight to the end if I can... that part of me changed. My fear is stronger then my mastery of it.
Thats something that has to change.

Goodnight everyone.