Hiatus

Due to medical issues my blog is on hiatus. Thank you for your support at this time. If I return I promise you many great stories. I will be giving admin status over to Holley in the event any announcements need to be made.

Moments that are fragile.

How honest is a person expected to be? Not merely in his day to day. How many of us lie to ourselves? We say that something isn't as bad as people think. We marginalize things bit by bit. Making less and less until our views no longer match reality. Even here in this blog where I have supposedly set out to unearth the truth I use metaphors, hintings and the vague. I suppose I could claim creative purposes but I know thats not true. I'm going to tell a very short story. and then explain what it has to do with me.

Long ago in a valley kingdom there were two warriors. The light warrior was kind, empathic and had a love of helping others. The dark warrior was lustful, aggresive and ruthless. Both warriors were formiddable in the kingdoms defense. Even a dark warrior had in his heart the desire for a home and peace. Even the light warrior enjoyed the thrill of battle, victory and defeated. Even being paragons of their respective idealologies they were not one sided.

The king grew old and died without an heir. The kingdom was thrown into upheaval, eventually the kings brother is found and brought to kingdom. But the brother is not wise or fair. It does not take long for the new king to anger the two mighty warriors. Each warrior plots the demise of the corrupt ruler. One seeks to displace him for the good of the people, the other seeks to displace him for his own pride and ambition.

The warriors had great respect for one another. Over the years they had sparred many times, but fighting for the same kingdom it was never in anger or to the death. Each raised an army, the light warrior arrived first with his army. He forced his way into the castle using the element of surprise and took the castle.
When the dark warrior arrived the castle had already been secured and the light warrior made king. Rather then fight his friend he and his army returned and disbanded in the town.

The light warrior did not have an easy time. Supporters of the kings brother now in exile waged a war on the light warriors men. They fought and fought and as they did more and more people began to cry out agains the light warrior-king. The dark warrior came forward and defeated them both. Took the crown and banished both sides. Some said the Dark warrior was cruel, some said he was fair. But lurking in the background was the light warrior ready to strike again.


As interesting as that story could become I won't bother finishing it.
I am still sick. some of you know this; others do not. It isn't just my left hand anymore but now my right. Each day the headaches grow worse. I feel hot and sweaty in a cold room. When I close my eyes I feel terrible visions, I'm being drawn back into a hell of my own creation. My psyche was fragmented before... and it's like I feel it being fragmented again. Slowly my thoughts are drifting from me even when I try to cling tightly to them. I see painful memories when I close my eyes, visions of a future denied to me.

The battle has not ended, but it has changed. I understand one thing that changes everything now but I do not know how it changes this.
I was fighting the wrong enemy. I want my hands back. I want my body, spirit and mind to be mine again. Parts that have been broken off my psyche to be reborn.

I desire so much to be free, freedom might not come to me until my death.
Freedom my pain, freedom from the burden of my mind......
ugh. I am so very sick. I'll complete this thought later.

Denial is not Victory.

Sun Tzu once said that if you denied an enemy battle then he could not win. It's a basic concept that if your weak you should avoid battle. But to deny the battle also takes away opportunity for victory. When you rest your enemy can do the same. It's basic tactics to never allow your enemy rest. (Unless to encourage sloth.)
As the pieces move across the board you get a feel for the game. The agressor and the defender become defined; the enemy is not always in front of you. But sometimes true enemy is your own heart. Can you be ruthlesss and retain your humanity? Can you give mercy and sympathy to a deadly enemy?

I lost the use of my left arm last week. I awoke and it was numb, along with my leg. My left eye is blurry and I have a very strong headache.. on my left side.
Even as the ghosts from my past come back to haunt me I can feel my enemy gaining strength again. When I am strong he is weak, when I am weak he is strong. It is not the time for me to pour my soul into this battle, it fast approachs but I must deny it the chance. I deny because I cannot win, and within that denial I cannot lose either.

You cannot kill someone that is a part of you without diminshing what you are. But can you master it? Control it? Compromise with it? Co-exist?
I'm tired of having darkness cloud my soul, it grows because I won't face it.
I have stared into the dark, into the shadow. I have felt the warmth and I have felt the cold. My scars aren't merely body or soul. But deeper still it taints the world surrounding me, the wound widens and deepens as time passses.

My choice is victory, I will not win by defeating evil. I will win by mastering myself... it is a mastery that is lifelong in attaining and more rewarding then anything else this life can offer. I have chased too many snares, fallen into too many pits and will not falter again so easily. I'm waiting for the wind to change, then my blade will be drawn.

Goodnight. I'll write more tomorrow I hope.

Accomplishment, The most important list.

Well I've been promising it for quite some time. But honestly I've been slightly afraid to post my list of things I want to do in my life. Some are silly, some could even be considered offensive to people. I decided that I just want to be what I am and not worry about what others think.
Most of the items on this list are pretty old, a few as recent as last night. I think it's a fair reflection of the direction I want to take in life. Presented here now are the first 50. I'll post the next 10 later. I believe when I am finished I should have close to 100.
My goal is 2 a year.

1. Write and publish a book of every major Genre.
2. Get a doctorate.
3. Adopt a Child.
4. Ride a motorbike the length of the Great Wall of China.
5. Visit all 5 continents
6. Get married
7. Visit Stonehenge
8. Learn to speak Japanese fluently.
9. Live in Japan for at least half a year.
10. Swim in every ocean.
11. Become a skilled Zen archer.
12. Master 3 forms of martial arts.
13. Visit the Dao Mai.
14. Learn to Snow Board.
15. Visit Interlockken Switzerland.
16. Have a threesome with 2 girls.
17. See the hall of mirrors in France.
18. Raft the Colorado River.
19. Go ice fishing in Alaska.
20. See the Grand Canyon.
21. Own a house.
22. Be in an airborne airplane.
23. Design one video game.
24. Hunt for Yeti in Nepal.
25. Learn to Surf
26. Scuba Dive the Great Barrier Reef.
27. See the Pyramids of Giza
28. Become a highly proficient swimmer
29. Run a 5-minute mile.
30. Go hang-gliding
31. See a bullfight in Seville with (Zhuangzi)
32. Be the lead in a play.
33. Learn to play the Piano
34. Visit Loch Ness
35. Be a national Magic: TG champion.
36. Protest injustice in DC.
37. See a Broadway show.
38. Attend Ashida Kim’s Ninjutsu training camp.
39. Go to Mardi gras in Louisiana.
40. Build a massive room sized Lego castle.
41. Learn the proper Japanese Tea Ceremony.
42. Be an extra in a Hollywood movie or TV show,
43. Publish a D&D Module.
44. Have a WoW item named after me. (Or my avatar)
45. See Bon Jovi in concert; get his autograph.
46. Meet Bill Clinton; get his autograph.
47. Be a Convention guest.
48. See the North Pole.
49. Meet Michael Stackpole: Get his autograph.
50. Tame and raise a baby cockatiel