Moments that are fragile.

How honest is a person expected to be? Not merely in his day to day. How many of us lie to ourselves? We say that something isn't as bad as people think. We marginalize things bit by bit. Making less and less until our views no longer match reality. Even here in this blog where I have supposedly set out to unearth the truth I use metaphors, hintings and the vague. I suppose I could claim creative purposes but I know thats not true. I'm going to tell a very short story. and then explain what it has to do with me.

Long ago in a valley kingdom there were two warriors. The light warrior was kind, empathic and had a love of helping others. The dark warrior was lustful, aggresive and ruthless. Both warriors were formiddable in the kingdoms defense. Even a dark warrior had in his heart the desire for a home and peace. Even the light warrior enjoyed the thrill of battle, victory and defeated. Even being paragons of their respective idealologies they were not one sided.

The king grew old and died without an heir. The kingdom was thrown into upheaval, eventually the kings brother is found and brought to kingdom. But the brother is not wise or fair. It does not take long for the new king to anger the two mighty warriors. Each warrior plots the demise of the corrupt ruler. One seeks to displace him for the good of the people, the other seeks to displace him for his own pride and ambition.

The warriors had great respect for one another. Over the years they had sparred many times, but fighting for the same kingdom it was never in anger or to the death. Each raised an army, the light warrior arrived first with his army. He forced his way into the castle using the element of surprise and took the castle.
When the dark warrior arrived the castle had already been secured and the light warrior made king. Rather then fight his friend he and his army returned and disbanded in the town.

The light warrior did not have an easy time. Supporters of the kings brother now in exile waged a war on the light warriors men. They fought and fought and as they did more and more people began to cry out agains the light warrior-king. The dark warrior came forward and defeated them both. Took the crown and banished both sides. Some said the Dark warrior was cruel, some said he was fair. But lurking in the background was the light warrior ready to strike again.


As interesting as that story could become I won't bother finishing it.
I am still sick. some of you know this; others do not. It isn't just my left hand anymore but now my right. Each day the headaches grow worse. I feel hot and sweaty in a cold room. When I close my eyes I feel terrible visions, I'm being drawn back into a hell of my own creation. My psyche was fragmented before... and it's like I feel it being fragmented again. Slowly my thoughts are drifting from me even when I try to cling tightly to them. I see painful memories when I close my eyes, visions of a future denied to me.

The battle has not ended, but it has changed. I understand one thing that changes everything now but I do not know how it changes this.
I was fighting the wrong enemy. I want my hands back. I want my body, spirit and mind to be mine again. Parts that have been broken off my psyche to be reborn.

I desire so much to be free, freedom might not come to me until my death.
Freedom my pain, freedom from the burden of my mind......
ugh. I am so very sick. I'll complete this thought later.