Allegory or hallucination?

There is a spiritual place where a mind goes after a terrible storm.

I went there today, After the storm battered my spirit and wore my emotions raw.

I thought that honesty and tenacity could overcome anything. But I should've known the storm would wear away at my resolve. At moments I clung hopeless as I was battered. Sometimes I lashed out with anger at terrible and uncontrollable events that lead me here. Anger, resolve, love, honesty even faith did not matter. The storm was impossible to fathom and it was impossible to survive. Those who think they can control a storm are beyond naive. You have no power outside your own.

The storm tore away my resolve until I clung with little more then a feeble dream. It dashed me against the rocks again and again. Thunder. Lightning. Waves. Unbearable cold.
It ate away at me until I finally released and slid into quiet but not complete defeat.
My spirit was damp but not destroyed. It did not burn away my soul like it did my desire. But uncovered a new strength. The passion left my body but did not leave my soul.



There are some situations in which you cannot win, no matter how well you fight or play. No matter how honest or pure your intentions. There are times that you will fail through no fault of your own. It is quite honestly the worst feeling in the world. Worse then debilitating mental illness, worse then spiritual emptiness, worse then the agony of a dying body and certainly worse then the loss of unrequitted love. It is doing your best and still failing and of all the things I mentioned it is the one that burdens me most.

In that spiritual place I fell into a deep contemplation. Where was god in this? Did he watch me from afar? Did he cheer me on? Did he await with sadness the eventual sadness I would face in defeat? No god was with me; he stood beside me in a way only he could. Only he could know the power and purity of my thoughts and intentions yet I didn't want him there before. I didn't want the tao. The infinite source of good wasn't with me. But they were with me now, when my spirit was all the remained of me; When my emotions were so drained and raw that I only felt the numbness of a frail and hurting body pushed beyond it's breaking point.

God was here with me. The Tao. Whatever you call it. I did not feel the sting of the failure. or the burning of my overworked body. I felt the peace of one who has given his all and can go on no longer. I have faced enemies in martial arts, I have faced enemies in competitive gaming and I have faced enemies on fields not seen or known to the average mind and eye. Never have I fight to the point where I could fight no longer, always I turn back before the final blow, I spare myself the coup de tat so that I can fight another day and preserve my dignity and honor.

I did not these past few days. Now in the pain of failure I feel the arms of something greater trying to push me back up. Lifting me because I no longer have the strength to carry myself.
There has to be a word for something this wonderful. Yes. It is love. It is faith.

It is not in my nature to give up until defeat is certain. It is something that I know and feel is right and I will persue it until my defeat is complete or I reach a measure of success and put to rest my own feelings. Tonight something beyond me watches out for me, I am in the womb, the cradle, the arms of eternity. I can think of no more comforting thing to someone who risked everything and lost. I will be renewed, I will get back up and I will finish what I started.

I am however in no condition to do anything. Now I rest.

May whatever god you follow cast his blessings on you.