Untitled.

I've spent quite a bit of time talking about my past and present. Most recently about my inability to muster any real anger. Some of the people I talked about were angry and that anger was justified. They are part of my life and regardless of what they think I have every right to share my feelings. However I am choosing to waive that right and I will not publish names or details of other people I know without permission from now on. (Unless I don't like you, then grease up because I'm coming for you.)

If I've talked about this before I am deeply sorry. But this topic has to be disscussed before I complete my thoughts for this entry. One of my primary fears is of failure and it's no secret. I've long been torn by the part of me that is daring and outgoing and the part that is careful and shy. Failure is one of the worsr feelings in the world... disappointment... shame... etc. You feel them all when you fail and more importantly you are denied those basic human desires for acknowledgement and accomplishment. I have always been afraid of failure and therefore I have been unwilling to try... if I do not try then I cannot fail.

One of the upsides to a period of reflection and personal growth is problems like these get some attention. Slowly I am unearthing that sense of self that I lost. I am digging up that pride and honor that were buried and tarnished. I think of all things a sense of who I am is more important then anything else. The word I have used before is a "sense of my own destiny" which I am certain I stole from somewhere. But alas since I cannot remember I cannot attribute. I know what I want and what I have to do... slowly I am becoming a person of actions and not merely of thoughts. I have changed the very basis of my weaknesses and shortcomings and turn them into strengths. Fear of failure? Determination not to fail.

My destiny is not one of blood or violence. Nor is it a path of peace. But my path is in the hearts of those who read my words. Every person who reads my words will know my feelings and find in themselves their own destiny. My struggle is not unique... all people struggle and changing the situation doesn't change the determination they all feel. I struggle with illness... there are others more ill then I. I struggle with loss? Others have lost more. If the only thing I am remembered for is putting words to that determination... that struggle then I count my life as well spent.

But that won't be all. I have too much to accomplish. Overcoming is not the end. It is the beginning. I will use my words to reach the hearts of people and do good. Every heart I reach out to feels like mine, feels heartbreak, rejection, loss, determination, joy, sadness and hope. They are not alone and neither am I.

Good Night everyone.

In Loving Memory

Goodbye Jade. I'll miss you. Until I see you on the other side stay out of trouble.

Fire and Ice

I've been a broken record for quite some time. Going over the myrid side effects of my illness... the pain and problems of my childhood. But I have skirted something else that I have been afraid to talk about. Yes it deals with my being sick... but it's different then you imagine. As one friend put it "Isn't it a good thing kind of?".

I haven't felt angry... really angry in a long time. I act angry but inside I feel cold and empty. Like an ice that burns. Anger should feel hot and fill your belly with fire... not feel cold and hollow. In truth I have felt this way in more then just my anger... I avoid making choices or commitments because I have most my desire, passion and drive. Like A robot I've moved and acted without feeling...

Tonight I put my favorite song on and listened. For those not in the know it's "The Warmth" by Incubus. I thought about how medicore I've become. Not just as a writer but as a human being. I've failed as everything I've wanted to become and I've done nothing of what I wanted to do. I have no edge or skill anymore... I second guess when I should know for certain; I hesitate when I should act. I act when the best course of action is to stay. My internal compass is massively off.

I haven't faced my pain, my hurt and my anger. I advise others to face their problems but I myself do nothing. I'm still frozen up in my pain and hurt. I've dealt with the problems of my mind... and of the ailing spirit. But my emotional health is still dangerously poor. I'm strong now. Strong enough to do this. These are all people who have hurt me and I still carry that hurt.

James Rands. You were a terrible father and the childhood I lost because of you is something I can never get back. Love does not excuse hurting someone. I never hated you but I would've been within bounds if I had. You could not control me or break me, I am what I am and I will not be ashamed of it.

Jenni. I gave you my heart and you smahed it without a second thought. Whatever ill will I have given you is well deserved. When I needed you most you found the arms of another. Your terrible crimes didn't stop with me and sadden and hurt me deeply to think about even now. What you are now is not something I can never love: a selfish creature. You don't merit my hate. Your future is one I should pity.

Holly Blackham. You hurt me out of ignorance, not out of malice or spite. To protect yourself and I can't find qualm with that. Had you known how much a word from a friend would've lit up my life I think you would've talked to me more.

Xerath. Your an ass and a tyrant. I didn't stab you in the back; I came right for your throat. And I told you I was coming you son of a bitch. I only regret that I couldn't have been the one to push you off your throne you pompus bully.

My 5th grade teacher. Most teachers encourage their students hobbies and interests. When you told me my writing sucked and I had no hope of publishing it... I tore all 340 pages of that novel to pieces and didn't pick up a pen for years after that. Had I not been a child I would've understood the envy and frustration you felt and let it slide. But I was a child and your words cut me deeply. Even now I am secretive about anything I have written... paranoid even.

Holley Gulso. Perhaps the person who knows me best. The person who knows my mind and heart, every weakness and certainly every secret. My anger at you has an unfathomable quality: No direction. For years I have felt oppressed by my feelings for you.. both as friend and more. You did nothing wrong yet the endless frustration I feel comes from something. Your evasive about your feelings. Emotionally you are like a proverbial black hole eating away at all the matter in my life. Yet I could never hate you, I could never be angry at you for long, I could never attack you or confront you. It angers me that something like this floats in the air. That you hide everything in your air of normality.

Thats the top of a pretty short list. The people I have been closest to have been the ones to hurt and anger me most.
Even as I type this. And remember this pain. It still doesn't burn hot in my belly. It feels unnatural and wrong. I want to be angry. When I was angry I could say I felt alive and filled with passion... filled with something that isn't cold and lonely. My mind is healing, my body is healing and my spirit is healing.
So why does this one aspect of my life defy healing? Perhaps the isolation and reflection that brought the repair of my mind has damaged my emotional health further... perhaps it is because I haven't told people how I feel. I haven't talked to them honestly and I haven't faced my emotional pain in a serious matter.

The next step is to free myself of all that binds me. I have to be free to find the truth and ultimately so that I can be happy and angry again. Because without that anger I don't ever feel calm or relaxed. It has to be released.

The Will to Power

Nietzche was a complicated man. He was a christian that deeply hated the large body of christianity. He was in constant emotional and physical pain from illness and isolation. Most of his latter work is incoherent and compares to high school trite and ranting. But one idea that he had always seems to stick out to me. The will to power.

In simple terms it means that the meaning of life is to gain power.
Indeed there is a basic instinct towards power. People flock to it, they idolize it and worship it. They pay everything they have for the smallest piece of it.
Power is something that defies explanation. You can get power with respect, money, love, leadership, unique skills, deception, chance, planning and a host of other ways. Yet the methods to attaining power tell us nothing of the primal nature of power itself. Some people just seem to radiate power. They have charisma, intelligence and something more. An X factor that cannot be defined. A sense of self? Ego? Maybe in part.

They dominate parties, they are the center of social circles, they win elections, gather followers, convert the wayward and a host of other things. Democracy has not changed the nature of power in the slightest. These people who wield "power" are the center of our human experiences. They are our kennedys and our rockfellers and they are the height of our human experience. They experience the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows. For a person who wields power there is inside the burning quest for more power. Power to control an idea or a thought or a belief. Fear and intimidation are power and so are hope and courage. Power is behind all things. All actions and thoughts... every emotion.

Everything is motivated by power. Rather that power be used for good, evil or both. My hat is off to Nietzche. The will to power is the start of a deeper question. Why is that the meaning of life? If we were beings of pure kindness without the desire to compete against each other then we would be little more then animals. No drive or ambition to accomplish anything.
If our world was not harsh but instead peaceful. If we had a perfect harmony with the world and adapted to it... we would not improve either. Without our desire for power we would do nothing and become nothing.

In that regard the only logical answer is that evil and power are needed for the ultimate good. That in order to ascend to the level we have to reach: god is pushing us to learn what is needed. Does god feel it to? Did he attain his power and wisdom as we do: By trial and error? Evil and good are flip sides of the same coin. But that coin is power.

Bleh Cable

The worst part about getting cable TV is catching a show you like in a marathon. Take for example Angel on TNT.
I've seen just enough scattered Buffy episodes to follow the plot, but I certainly haven't seen enough angel episodes to jump into a marathon. This illuminates my dark burning desire to watch things beginning to end all at once. Kenshin? The West Wing? Ghost in the shell? I always want/have to watch a series all at once or it erodes my sanity. I cannot count how many nights I've spent watching and re-watching a series; watch each twist in the plot and every action with an exacting gaze.

It's a problem certainly. I'm going to have to go buy some DVDs before too long...

Sudden Transformations

I thought perhaps with the backdrop of massive national change going on; This would be a good time to talk about my own personal changes. I'm sorry for beating a dead horse but I haven't gotten this all out of my system yet... and being mostly a blog about me it's not out of place. Although it may in fact be boring.

Most of what I'm talking about is in context to how I view the world. I came to realize early in my life that I was pretty damn unusual. Here is some observations of my life to prove this point. Sort of a history of me in brief. I was raised to be morman but rejected by the time I was 10 for brain washing me. I'm not sure how many 10 years decide actively that they are being brain washed and walk away from their families religion. But there I was. On the opposite side of the field I had the bad influence that was my father. He consistantly offered me beer, birth control and even ciggarettes. I looked down on this nearly as much as the church. I literally felt like I had to choose between religion or a life of hedonistic bohemia, yet neither felt right for me.

When I was very very young I was tormented by other children. I had no strong parental influences, mentors or friends. My father spent most of my childhood either drunk, on his way to getting drunk, working or in jail. Sometimes when he was drunk he would beat me for something. Then the next memory forget it had ever happened. He would verbally abuse me far more often. Occasionally he would decide to buddy up to me. Instead of doing what I liked we went on fishing trips and monster truck rallies. In the almost 23 years of my life thus far my father has yet to sit down and actually learn about me.
Instead of being like him I became the image of my mother. Perhaps it haunted him in a way; it would explain in large part the rift that exists between us. He never recovered from my mothers death. To tried to fill his life with all kinds of things.. most of which I disapprove of. Looking back at it I understand how he came to his conclusion in life. But that doesn't mean I agree with it.

I never picked a side in the religion vs pleasure debate. The pressures from my friends and family urged me toward the church. The pressure from my father urged me to a darker path. Instead I felt both were wrong and rejected them harder and harder. I was naturally very passive as a child. But as my torment grew and grew I become more overtly controlling, more angry and occasionally more violent. I became more assured of myself and started to collect actual friends. I threw myself into a variety of studies and by the time I finished Jr High I had a college level knowledge of a variety of topics.

It was that summer between 9th and 10th grade that my life shifted. I had a falling out with my friends and the community of misfits and gamers I belonged to. Among them I had been one of the best. A power broker of sorts and known for my ruthless playing style. These friends pressured me into drugs, acts of violence, sexuality and even the occult. I rejected and struggled with it for a long time before I finally fell out with them. I spent the last two months of the summer in my own self-imposed exile. It was during this time that I became even more reflective. I spent days in the library reading about religion, psychology, philosophy. I read Kant, Lao Tzu, Nietzche, Bacon, Mill and a host of great minds and spiritualists. I found for the first that men other then myself that felt as I did. It was very liberating for me. I grew more in those two months then I did the two years before it. I realized fairly quickly that I was a taoist.

It was not a choice that I made. But instead I realized that it was what I truly believed in. I had known it all my life but never had a name for it. I took great pains to cut the evil and the anger from my heart. When I reached highschool I was a new person. I had a job, took AP classes and wrote with great intensity.
I moved from the dirty, crime ridden ghetto back to my grandparents house.
I even made friends, the majority of them were morman but I no longer rejected it as strongly as I did before. I tolerated their beliefs and even came to agree with them in certain areas. It would take a severe and nearly fatal infection to undo all the accomplishments of this era of my life.

That transformation was incredible, it occured almost instantly and had profound long term effects for me. It was there and then that I learned the power of... well power.
I guess Willpower is the more precise term. I did everything I wanted to do. I merely willed myself into doing it. Even if something meant emotional pain or public embarassment I did it anyway. I pushed myself far harder then I had the means to sustain and burned myself out. A lesson well learned.


Now. I am on the horns of another transformation. People have foisted religion in my face again. (Yes... that means you Dwight) and I know in my heart that it isn't right. Churches are prisons for the soul, they do not build you up or treat your soul as something unique.. but rather a generic soul. Everything is right or wrong. It's us or them. But as someone who studies psychology I can tell you that is just a ploy. If you set your organization against everything else... then it strengthens your position. When people come along and attack your church or religion you feel your leaders words and actions were justified. Not every person of faith falls into this pit... but enough do that it frightens me. Cults, Churches, Con-artists and dictators have used this trick forever. Look at North Korea. The people are starving to death but they still support their leader because "he" is leading them against the world which seeks to undermine them. I could list examples both in history and modern all day. But I feel it's a waste of good words. I can distill my beliefs into words. Here is a tip of the iceberg.

I believe in Life, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Karma, A higher power, Big Foot, Love, Destiny, Passion, Evil likes to disguise itself as good, Ego is more dangerous then WMD's, Pride is a double edged sword, No matter what happens people are going to get hurt, Some people cannot be redeemed or saved, Everything has an opposite.. be it an idea or something else, Moderation in all things... even moderation itself, something is worth as much as someone else is willing to pay for it, there are no stupid ideas, you shouldn't break the law unless the law is wrong.. then you should break it often and loudly, being different isn't a crime... being ashamed of being different is a crime, thou shalt not kill, boredom might not be fatal... but never take the chance, no person has more rights then another... they might be superior/inferior in some fashion but it does not afford them better or worse rights, I will never master basic math, only steal if you have no choice.. then don't get caught, hiding things makes them into a weakness... an open book is far harder to attack, you can grant forgiveness but it will not restore trust, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, don't fight on your enemies terms, don't lie to someone smarter then you, there is no such thing as defeat unless you are dead, he who learns to run away is he runs another day, if your enemy does not reveal a weakness use one of yours, love is not blind but it is deaf, if you read this your a better person then I would be, don't let yourself run out of enemies, conflict is better then comfort, an easy victory is less satisfying then a well fought defeat, trust is more valuable then diamonds or gold, you never really know a person, everyone thinks their religion is right... guess what your all wrong, sex is not evil unless it's with Hitler or an animal, courage is more powerful then charisma, there is no greater struggle in this world then between reality and fantasy, aliens exist but think we are too stupid to merit conversation, the goverment is out to get you but doesn't know how yet, kindness should be practiced with all people even your enemies and being a good person is not a requirement for a good life... but it helps.

I believe in more then just that. But I wanted to make a point. Transformations are not sudden but happen behind the scenes where they cannot be seen. Do you believe that all of the things I've listed could arise at once? A swift transformation is either fake or an supressed and coming forward. Take born-again christians. The idea of being a christian isn't new to them... they are aware of the those ideas and teachings... but something occurs which causes those beliefs to come to the forefront or to reorganize. It's not sudden, it's water backed up behind the dam. For me the water has backed up for quite some time, pain has created a fear of change and healing it in isolation is very hard. Now that I am of sound mind and spirit I wait for the dam to break and wave of change to transform me. Only unlike the hapless who is overwhelmed by the flood. I am prepared because I am the one who filled the lake behind the dam.

Goodnight everyone.

Choices, and the hungry wolf.

While reflection on ideas of universal truth is interesting; most of my thoughts as of late have been focused on the nature of life itself.
I had a realization many days ago. The world was exactly as I saw it. It was exactly as I felt it. Illusion and deception can be pierced and the truth seen.
I found that thinking in dozens of myrid options was actually hurting me. I would not see something as a few simple choices, but a dozen possible choices with variations on each. In this case less is more.

Instead of a dozen options I need only look at the best. When I pit myself against an enemy of skill every moment is important. I can learn the best options for every situation and use them accordingly. What a difference it makes in life to remove the indescion! To cut the mental waste away like so much fat has been immensely helpful. It allows me to concentrate more effort on the other issue I'll address tonight.

Whoever you are reading this. Have you ever cared about someone secretly? Perhaps a close friend? a married woman? Your lovers best friend? Someone much younger or older then you?
I have once or twice; and they are symptom of a much larger problem for me.
For a number of years I devoted myself to helping others, then helping myself, then hurting or exploiting people. The skills needed apply to all three and in some areas I've honed them to a terrifying degree. Yet for all that I have my own unrepairable emotional wounds. A need to be loved and given attention. A need to give someone else unconditional love. It need not be sexual for it's deeply emotional... a void inside that I cannot control. It hungers for love and attention creating for me terrible situations and pain. Feeding it sates it for a time but like a lone wolf it is never truly fed.

Perhaps it's something everyone feels. But in me it is abnormal. It's a weakness in an otherwise impressive amount of self-control and awareness. It is one reason that I seek those who give love unconditionally and those who hunger for love as I do. I feel drawn to those kindred souls... souls which always manage to hurt me in the end. If it were merely a need to take love I would consider it evil. But how do you define a feeling to give love to many people? Attraction is something to be expected from time to time. But what about a primal force that urges you toward those of similar emotional makeup? It's a terrible destructive force for an existing relationship and eventually I'll need to deal with that. I can master and control it like so many other primal forces I've encountered within myself... but I wonder if that is the right choice. Love need not always be long term or even sexual/romantic. It is within me to love people deeply when I sense part of me within them, that isn't something I can just throw away carelessly.

I reflect that a void does not always drag things away. But sometimes towards.
In this case it could be mutually productive... love without obligations. Love without limits or conditions. Like the cherry blossom it's beauty is enhanced by the knowledge that it is short lived. Perhaps even a deeply rooted friendship, that too is a form of fullfilling love. Eventual escape from this void brings pain, relief and eventually freedom to repeat again. A cycle of pleasure and pain that will remain unbroken until I find a perfect person who can fill that void in my heart forever. Perhaps such a person is already in my life waiting for the chance. More likely it could be any person who had the desire to become that.
My own personal emotional pariah. Perfection is impossible even when your blinded by love; I don't think thats what I want. But then again all I really want right now is to ease that hungry void for awhile longer.

Questions about a universal truth

The worst part of deciding who you are is counting the ripples each choice has in your life. I didn't go on some grand adventure to find myself. I created who I am with careful thought and spiritual reflection. If it had been handed to me what kind of person could I lay claim to being? I can assure you that I wouldn't think highly of myself had my answers come easily. Many nights of doubt and torture came with every answer. Doubt that never really goes away. Even when you know something is true you still doubt it. I used to run from that doubt and hide from it. As if it were an enemy that dogged my mind. I've come to the conclusion that doubt is not the destroyer but rather doubt is the creator. Without doubt I would not perfect my answers. I would not push myself harder but I would fold or give in to the ideals that are passed to me by others. That terrible sin of accepting something because another subscribes to it. Little more then a mob mentality when another decides for you. When his thoughts carry more weight then your own.

Perhaps everything I believe in is wrong. I admit that I don't know better then anyone else about god or other long held universal truths.
Wiccans believe in a goddess, Christians believe in a god and his son. Taoists believe in many gods with a great universal source of creation beyond them, Buddhists believe that kindness will result in enlightenment and Atheists believe that no power drives their lives but their own raw will and emotion.
I believe that kindess is powerful and right. But I am not a Buddhist. I believe in God but I am not a Christian. I believe in a goddess yet I am not a Wiccan.
I believe that I determine my own destiny by the power of my own will. Yet I am not an atheist. The open honesty of Taoism is the only belief I can ever believe in if I want to be honest with myself. When I lie to myself about who or what I am... that only creates suffering. The suffering of searching is nothing to the suffering of one who is afraid to search... to question and to explore.

The truths of this world are perhaps more then I can understand. Likely it will not be until my death that I truly understand. But until that day comes I will fullfil my own destiny. Using that willpower and determination I will forge myself into the tool that is needed. I do not question the idea of a universal truth. A god, buddha or tao. I question who I am to such a power. A child? a student? A peer? Will I grow to the power of my unfathomable source? Will I forever remain a child to it? Good questions to reflect on. Simply knowing that a universal truth exists does not lay out a clear plan of action. That depends on the conclusions I choose to draw in my life. Perhaps god is offended that I question him. Maybe he is pleased that I seek answers honestly. My observations are pale to his eternal truths, truths which are hidden from me until my death. I think in the end god does not matter that I question as long as I do so with honesty and a heart and mind filled with good.