Sudden Transformations

I thought perhaps with the backdrop of massive national change going on; This would be a good time to talk about my own personal changes. I'm sorry for beating a dead horse but I haven't gotten this all out of my system yet... and being mostly a blog about me it's not out of place. Although it may in fact be boring.

Most of what I'm talking about is in context to how I view the world. I came to realize early in my life that I was pretty damn unusual. Here is some observations of my life to prove this point. Sort of a history of me in brief. I was raised to be morman but rejected by the time I was 10 for brain washing me. I'm not sure how many 10 years decide actively that they are being brain washed and walk away from their families religion. But there I was. On the opposite side of the field I had the bad influence that was my father. He consistantly offered me beer, birth control and even ciggarettes. I looked down on this nearly as much as the church. I literally felt like I had to choose between religion or a life of hedonistic bohemia, yet neither felt right for me.

When I was very very young I was tormented by other children. I had no strong parental influences, mentors or friends. My father spent most of my childhood either drunk, on his way to getting drunk, working or in jail. Sometimes when he was drunk he would beat me for something. Then the next memory forget it had ever happened. He would verbally abuse me far more often. Occasionally he would decide to buddy up to me. Instead of doing what I liked we went on fishing trips and monster truck rallies. In the almost 23 years of my life thus far my father has yet to sit down and actually learn about me.
Instead of being like him I became the image of my mother. Perhaps it haunted him in a way; it would explain in large part the rift that exists between us. He never recovered from my mothers death. To tried to fill his life with all kinds of things.. most of which I disapprove of. Looking back at it I understand how he came to his conclusion in life. But that doesn't mean I agree with it.

I never picked a side in the religion vs pleasure debate. The pressures from my friends and family urged me toward the church. The pressure from my father urged me to a darker path. Instead I felt both were wrong and rejected them harder and harder. I was naturally very passive as a child. But as my torment grew and grew I become more overtly controlling, more angry and occasionally more violent. I became more assured of myself and started to collect actual friends. I threw myself into a variety of studies and by the time I finished Jr High I had a college level knowledge of a variety of topics.

It was that summer between 9th and 10th grade that my life shifted. I had a falling out with my friends and the community of misfits and gamers I belonged to. Among them I had been one of the best. A power broker of sorts and known for my ruthless playing style. These friends pressured me into drugs, acts of violence, sexuality and even the occult. I rejected and struggled with it for a long time before I finally fell out with them. I spent the last two months of the summer in my own self-imposed exile. It was during this time that I became even more reflective. I spent days in the library reading about religion, psychology, philosophy. I read Kant, Lao Tzu, Nietzche, Bacon, Mill and a host of great minds and spiritualists. I found for the first that men other then myself that felt as I did. It was very liberating for me. I grew more in those two months then I did the two years before it. I realized fairly quickly that I was a taoist.

It was not a choice that I made. But instead I realized that it was what I truly believed in. I had known it all my life but never had a name for it. I took great pains to cut the evil and the anger from my heart. When I reached highschool I was a new person. I had a job, took AP classes and wrote with great intensity.
I moved from the dirty, crime ridden ghetto back to my grandparents house.
I even made friends, the majority of them were morman but I no longer rejected it as strongly as I did before. I tolerated their beliefs and even came to agree with them in certain areas. It would take a severe and nearly fatal infection to undo all the accomplishments of this era of my life.

That transformation was incredible, it occured almost instantly and had profound long term effects for me. It was there and then that I learned the power of... well power.
I guess Willpower is the more precise term. I did everything I wanted to do. I merely willed myself into doing it. Even if something meant emotional pain or public embarassment I did it anyway. I pushed myself far harder then I had the means to sustain and burned myself out. A lesson well learned.


Now. I am on the horns of another transformation. People have foisted religion in my face again. (Yes... that means you Dwight) and I know in my heart that it isn't right. Churches are prisons for the soul, they do not build you up or treat your soul as something unique.. but rather a generic soul. Everything is right or wrong. It's us or them. But as someone who studies psychology I can tell you that is just a ploy. If you set your organization against everything else... then it strengthens your position. When people come along and attack your church or religion you feel your leaders words and actions were justified. Not every person of faith falls into this pit... but enough do that it frightens me. Cults, Churches, Con-artists and dictators have used this trick forever. Look at North Korea. The people are starving to death but they still support their leader because "he" is leading them against the world which seeks to undermine them. I could list examples both in history and modern all day. But I feel it's a waste of good words. I can distill my beliefs into words. Here is a tip of the iceberg.

I believe in Life, Freedom, Happiness, Hope, Karma, A higher power, Big Foot, Love, Destiny, Passion, Evil likes to disguise itself as good, Ego is more dangerous then WMD's, Pride is a double edged sword, No matter what happens people are going to get hurt, Some people cannot be redeemed or saved, Everything has an opposite.. be it an idea or something else, Moderation in all things... even moderation itself, something is worth as much as someone else is willing to pay for it, there are no stupid ideas, you shouldn't break the law unless the law is wrong.. then you should break it often and loudly, being different isn't a crime... being ashamed of being different is a crime, thou shalt not kill, boredom might not be fatal... but never take the chance, no person has more rights then another... they might be superior/inferior in some fashion but it does not afford them better or worse rights, I will never master basic math, only steal if you have no choice.. then don't get caught, hiding things makes them into a weakness... an open book is far harder to attack, you can grant forgiveness but it will not restore trust, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, don't fight on your enemies terms, don't lie to someone smarter then you, there is no such thing as defeat unless you are dead, he who learns to run away is he runs another day, if your enemy does not reveal a weakness use one of yours, love is not blind but it is deaf, if you read this your a better person then I would be, don't let yourself run out of enemies, conflict is better then comfort, an easy victory is less satisfying then a well fought defeat, trust is more valuable then diamonds or gold, you never really know a person, everyone thinks their religion is right... guess what your all wrong, sex is not evil unless it's with Hitler or an animal, courage is more powerful then charisma, there is no greater struggle in this world then between reality and fantasy, aliens exist but think we are too stupid to merit conversation, the goverment is out to get you but doesn't know how yet, kindness should be practiced with all people even your enemies and being a good person is not a requirement for a good life... but it helps.

I believe in more then just that. But I wanted to make a point. Transformations are not sudden but happen behind the scenes where they cannot be seen. Do you believe that all of the things I've listed could arise at once? A swift transformation is either fake or an supressed and coming forward. Take born-again christians. The idea of being a christian isn't new to them... they are aware of the those ideas and teachings... but something occurs which causes those beliefs to come to the forefront or to reorganize. It's not sudden, it's water backed up behind the dam. For me the water has backed up for quite some time, pain has created a fear of change and healing it in isolation is very hard. Now that I am of sound mind and spirit I wait for the dam to break and wave of change to transform me. Only unlike the hapless who is overwhelmed by the flood. I am prepared because I am the one who filled the lake behind the dam.

Goodnight everyone.