The worst part of deciding who you are is counting the ripples each choice has in your life. I didn't go on some grand adventure to find myself. I created who I am with careful thought and spiritual reflection. If it had been handed to me what kind of person could I lay claim to being? I can assure you that I wouldn't think highly of myself had my answers come easily. Many nights of doubt and torture came with every answer. Doubt that never really goes away. Even when you know something is true you still doubt it. I used to run from that doubt and hide from it. As if it were an enemy that dogged my mind. I've come to the conclusion that doubt is not the destroyer but rather doubt is the creator. Without doubt I would not perfect my answers. I would not push myself harder but I would fold or give in to the ideals that are passed to me by others. That terrible sin of accepting something because another subscribes to it. Little more then a mob mentality when another decides for you. When his thoughts carry more weight then your own.
Perhaps everything I believe in is wrong. I admit that I don't know better then anyone else about god or other long held universal truths.
Wiccans believe in a goddess, Christians believe in a god and his son. Taoists believe in many gods with a great universal source of creation beyond them, Buddhists believe that kindness will result in enlightenment and Atheists believe that no power drives their lives but their own raw will and emotion.
I believe that kindess is powerful and right. But I am not a Buddhist. I believe in God but I am not a Christian. I believe in a goddess yet I am not a Wiccan.
I believe that I determine my own destiny by the power of my own will. Yet I am not an atheist. The open honesty of Taoism is the only belief I can ever believe in if I want to be honest with myself. When I lie to myself about who or what I am... that only creates suffering. The suffering of searching is nothing to the suffering of one who is afraid to search... to question and to explore.
The truths of this world are perhaps more then I can understand. Likely it will not be until my death that I truly understand. But until that day comes I will fullfil my own destiny. Using that willpower and determination I will forge myself into the tool that is needed. I do not question the idea of a universal truth. A god, buddha or tao. I question who I am to such a power. A child? a student? A peer? Will I grow to the power of my unfathomable source? Will I forever remain a child to it? Good questions to reflect on. Simply knowing that a universal truth exists does not lay out a clear plan of action. That depends on the conclusions I choose to draw in my life. Perhaps god is offended that I question him. Maybe he is pleased that I seek answers honestly. My observations are pale to his eternal truths, truths which are hidden from me until my death. I think in the end god does not matter that I question as long as I do so with honesty and a heart and mind filled with good.
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