Choices, and the hungry wolf.

While reflection on ideas of universal truth is interesting; most of my thoughts as of late have been focused on the nature of life itself.
I had a realization many days ago. The world was exactly as I saw it. It was exactly as I felt it. Illusion and deception can be pierced and the truth seen.
I found that thinking in dozens of myrid options was actually hurting me. I would not see something as a few simple choices, but a dozen possible choices with variations on each. In this case less is more.

Instead of a dozen options I need only look at the best. When I pit myself against an enemy of skill every moment is important. I can learn the best options for every situation and use them accordingly. What a difference it makes in life to remove the indescion! To cut the mental waste away like so much fat has been immensely helpful. It allows me to concentrate more effort on the other issue I'll address tonight.

Whoever you are reading this. Have you ever cared about someone secretly? Perhaps a close friend? a married woman? Your lovers best friend? Someone much younger or older then you?
I have once or twice; and they are symptom of a much larger problem for me.
For a number of years I devoted myself to helping others, then helping myself, then hurting or exploiting people. The skills needed apply to all three and in some areas I've honed them to a terrifying degree. Yet for all that I have my own unrepairable emotional wounds. A need to be loved and given attention. A need to give someone else unconditional love. It need not be sexual for it's deeply emotional... a void inside that I cannot control. It hungers for love and attention creating for me terrible situations and pain. Feeding it sates it for a time but like a lone wolf it is never truly fed.

Perhaps it's something everyone feels. But in me it is abnormal. It's a weakness in an otherwise impressive amount of self-control and awareness. It is one reason that I seek those who give love unconditionally and those who hunger for love as I do. I feel drawn to those kindred souls... souls which always manage to hurt me in the end. If it were merely a need to take love I would consider it evil. But how do you define a feeling to give love to many people? Attraction is something to be expected from time to time. But what about a primal force that urges you toward those of similar emotional makeup? It's a terrible destructive force for an existing relationship and eventually I'll need to deal with that. I can master and control it like so many other primal forces I've encountered within myself... but I wonder if that is the right choice. Love need not always be long term or even sexual/romantic. It is within me to love people deeply when I sense part of me within them, that isn't something I can just throw away carelessly.

I reflect that a void does not always drag things away. But sometimes towards.
In this case it could be mutually productive... love without obligations. Love without limits or conditions. Like the cherry blossom it's beauty is enhanced by the knowledge that it is short lived. Perhaps even a deeply rooted friendship, that too is a form of fullfilling love. Eventual escape from this void brings pain, relief and eventually freedom to repeat again. A cycle of pleasure and pain that will remain unbroken until I find a perfect person who can fill that void in my heart forever. Perhaps such a person is already in my life waiting for the chance. More likely it could be any person who had the desire to become that.
My own personal emotional pariah. Perfection is impossible even when your blinded by love; I don't think thats what I want. But then again all I really want right now is to ease that hungry void for awhile longer.