Disturbing Dream, Reset everything.

As promised here is my last post of the year. I'm glad to have it behind me too. It took alot of work but I've nearly undone all the mistakes and damage I brought upon myself. This next year is bright and filled with promise. Where as this year has been filled with suffering and misery, the next shall be filled with love and happiness. I am certain of it. It is my future to hold and I look forward to unraveling it and facing it's challenges head on. Tomorrow as a symbol of that I have invited a great number of people I've fought, wronged or disagreed with in the past to a big and hopefully fun party. It could be that I am a glutton for punishment.... lol.

I'm going to touch on a few things before I head to bed. One of them is religion. (Yes I see you all groaning.) A friend of mine asked me recently why I did not attend church on sunday. He seemed prepared to wrestle me down and convert me. So I did what I always do and told him the truth. I am in always in church.
A higher power created this earth. It is filled with his creation, creativity and his life. When I walk in darkness or in shadow I can feel the Tao around me. I feel it in the cold and in the warm. In the gentle touch of a companion of in the rough brush of an enemy. Energy and life surround us and the beauty of it is staggering.

I told him this. That the world was my church and to lock myself in a wooden box one day of the week would not further my appreciation of his work. I am certain that god wants his children to live full lives. Would you want your children to waste all of their time trying to appease you? Seriously? I would get bent out of shape and tell them to use their lives productively and in search of their own happiness, creativity and ambitions.

He sat for a second thinking of the right thing to say. The scripture... he began.
I cut him off rudely. I love words and the power that they can bring. But you will not find god in that book or any other. You can memorize as many lines as you want but it will not bring you a step closer. You can push your dogma on any helpless soul who wanders across your path. But you are not doing his work. He was taken back my sudden Tirade and tried to collect himself.

He is a smart man, and a devoted one but he could not find a response to my words. He asked me if I had read the scripture. I replied that I had. And that I had read the Tao Te Ching, The hebrew bible, The teachings of Buddha and Zhuangzi, Sikh and Hindu texts, two different translations of the bible and the Apocrypha. (I was slightly upset and wanted to one-up him. I'm human get over it; Although I have read all of them.)
"Why" he asked me? (He regained his composure at this point.)
"I wanted to find the truth." was my response.
"Did you"?
"I did"
"What is the truth then?"
"I can't tell you."
"Because you don't know?"
"Because I don't know how."
"How do you know it's the truth?"
"Because I feel it."
"What if thats how I feel."
"Then I respect that. Just don't try and convert me anymore."

After that the conversation turned to NWN2 mods and new rules for prestiege classes in 3.5.
No matter how hard people try and explain to me with words I cannot listen. Every person says the exact same empty words. When I close my eyes and feel the wind I can feel god or tao in it. I feel that hand of creation in the dirt and the air. I see it in the mountains and bright eyes of children. Every time I hear those words they come across as hollow to me. As if they live half a life because they are tied to a structure of belief that precludes god as a real father. I have been told that we cannot know god directly.. that is the reason for jesus and his church. But I refute that. I believe that not only can we know god directly we should know god directly.
A father wants nothing more then for his children to be happy.

Second topic. A strange dream.
Many of my dreams have come true. This kind of thing has bothered me for a long time. I've often that it was merely me making my dreams into reality. or me finding ways to make them come true. Moreoften my dreams are so vivid and the feeling so strong that I cannot help but commit them to paper. It's been some months since I have had a nightmare of any sort. I attribute alot of this to improved mental health and meditation. But last night I had one of those dreams that I fear is a omen for the future. It had energy within it that I cannot place and it defied my attempts at lucid dreaming. I was aware that my nightmare was real but I cannot awaken from it. My attempts to control it were also very limited.

I stood atop a high mountain filled with bright yellow flowers. Something here had made me very happy. I turned around I saw a well cut and maintained pine tree. Beneath it were people from my life. Some were their dream archtypes I remember before. The conflicted Assassin (Dwight), The Dark Maiden (Holley), The Frigid Maiden (Blackham), Nick (normal but looking pre-occupied), The gambler (Todd), The Druidess (Sollah), The Ghoul (Jenni) and many others whos faces I remember but names I cannot. Todd appeared to be himself mainly and Jenni was less undead then the last dream I had. They were all sitting, laughing and apparently having alot of fun. (Except Nick and Jenni who looked... lethargic.) I ran over to see them but the closer I ran towards them the farther they moved away from me. I chased and chased but I came no closer to them. I then realized that it was getting dark. I looked around for the sun but I couldn't see it. Yet their was still light around. This really unsettled me.

I couldn't find my friends and looked around for awhile. As it got darker and colder the flowers began to freeze, crack and bleed. Crimson blossomed on the petals and ran down the stems to the ground making it sticky and staining the ground red. I reached down and plucked one. IT was brittle as ice and shattered thusly. Blood soaked my hands as I held it.
I quickly threw the flower down and looked around more. It was now clearly nighttime. I could see a faded yellow moon directly above me. The light of the moon lit up the blood soaked fields with an eerie glow. I ran in what I think was north until I reached a jagged rocky ridge. I climbed it and looked around for my friends. I saw off in the distance a forest. Although it was not dark but lit with moonlight with dancing flitting shadows.

I wandererd into it almost on instinct. Off in the distance I could hear the baying of wolves. I saw some men in the forest and ducked to avoid them. Mountain Climbers by the looks of them. Each had a pick and robe in hand. Carefully moving through the forest I came across a seared circle in the woods. Something had burned a perfect and rather large clearing. In the middle I could see some of my companions. The Frigid maiden was walking towards someone I did not recognize right away. When I stepped closer I realized it was a demon. I could sense the evil radiate off of him the closer I came. But she did not slow her pace and walked right into his arms. I can feel cold wet snow starting to fall. Behind me I see my footsteps are marked with blood from the flowers. The blood glows slightly in the moonlight just as it had in the fields.

The others do not seem concerned about the demon. They sit contently speaking to each other and looking about the eerie (but beautiful) forest. The Assassin and his swords are near me. I point to the demon and ask if we should attack it. He shoulders and goes back to his conversation. The demon looks directly at me, his wings unfurl slightly and point toward me.
If he said something I could not understand it. I tried to draw my sword from my back but it wasn't there.

The Dark Maiden walks over to me and whispers into my ear. I don't understand the words.
Demon! Beast! Take your hands off of her I scream.
Instead she clings tightly to him, I feel at once jealousy and pain which erode my spirit slightly.
A few scattered memories come back to me, I realize now that the others have gathered around me or him. All speak in whispers and hushed tones. Nick asks me a question I can't remember now. I think I told him yes.

Time hung for a moment, like we lived inside a picture for a hundred years waiting for the ink to fade and our movement become free. The snow burns as it hits my skin.
In the distance I hear a river unthawing and remember my blades.

Ragining River is the name of my sword, in my mind it is an azure Katana. Balanced for my weight and height it fits into my hands perfectly becoming like another arm to me.
I flick my arms (as I trained myself) and draw the katana with a single smooth flowing motion. Beside me the conflicted assassin draws both his swords. However instead of a sword of dark and a sword of light he has two swords of light. The demon and I circle for a moment. The Icy maiden thrown aside and crying.

The Assassin moves around the demon trying to flank it. I step backwards trying to lure him into a tactical trap. The demon reads my eyes and soul. Instead he steps backwards and slashes on of the people huddled to him apart. I hear a cry of anguish but I dare not look down to see whom he cut. He starts to pan right towards more idle victims. Thinking of protecting them I charge forward and slash wildly. Without so much as blinking the demon parries with his arm and throws me backwards. I narrowly avoid stabbing myself as I land.

The assassin took advantage of this lapse and charged forward slashing over and over into the demons back. If it hurt the demon showed no sign. It merely turned and with a sudden sweep of his arm broke both swords. Stunned the assassin stepped backwards and tried regain his momentum. I felt terror from this being and started to run away. I ran past the trees soaked in moonlight. Past the clinging hands of my comrades and strait into that blood soaked field. The flowers were huge now and bleeding freely like foundations. The grass was slick with blood and I struggled to stand at first. Behind me the demon and assassin were fighting. I heard the shrill cry of pain as he was wounded over and over again. Staggering towards me I saw twisted black scars across his face and body. He fell without ceremoney face first into the slick of blood. Behind him the demon was walking towards me at a modest clip.

I ran farther and farther into the fields occasionally slipping on the blood and covering myself further. After a few moments I felt something reach around my legs and hold me fast. The trees roots had ensnared me. I hacked at it and blood began to spray out of it. Soon another and another grasped at me. I cut them all down and pushed myself up. The dark maiden was in front of me fighting the demon evenly. She held a jagged shard of nothing. It cut the demons skin like a hot knife cuts butter. The demon was apparently taken back and fought more aggresively throwing itself at her shadowy form over and over again.

I felt a fear that crippled me in my heart. The blood now covered me and I sought to stand despite it. I could barely hold onto Raging River and the Dark Maiden started to falter in her defense. Finally I found a foothold and launched myself toward the demon. With all my might I put my sword before me and flew strait into him. I missed somehow and ended up sprawled on the slope of the field. The dark maiden disappeared somehow and the demon turned back towards me. Leaving behind the heavy and slippery sword I run back into the forest.
I see everyone there wounded or crying. Jenni appears sick (however the undead look sick) and Nick seems out of it.

The demon is gone and the Icy Maiden is alive but injured. In defending her I put myself at risk and did nothing to actually aid her. Somewhere in the forest I could sense it was still awake, alive and searching.

Odd dream? yes I think so too. It's very rare that anything demonic appears in my dreams. Generally I am producted from their visit and feel only powers I allow in. This had the feel of a real and dangerous being somewhere close to my spiritual center. When I awake I checked myself over but found no obvious signs of taint or manifestation. I felt far off that something dark was watching me and waiting for me to move. Needless to say it's bothered me all day.

Despite the disturbing contents of this dream (I like the happy ones more) I am still prepared to make this year count for something. To find my strength and push my limits farther then I ever have before. Goodnight and happy new years.