Upgrade

Following the tragic death of my computer I found myself upgrading for the first time in years. The process of shifting and sorting my varied files into order is bringing up alot of buried feelings. I honestly thought alot of this stuff was lost. Old Dos games, pictures I thought destroyed/lost, music I haven't listened to since highschool, AIM logs, half-written stories, old Dungeons and Dragons adventures and absolutely ancient diary entries.

I wish I could upgrade as easily as my computer, pop in some ram and Shaaazam! Faster.
It isn't like that however, humans upgrade emotionally, physically and even spiritually over time and in increments. Trying to force it all at once is a foolish hope. I know I'm contridicting myself right now but I was wrong earlier. Sudden change is less sudden then it appears. (Which I have covered before) I could certainly use an emotional firewall or memory upgrade but even if such things were possible they would come with time and effort. My mantra used to be investment in self is the only thing you can count on. I was alot tougher and smarter back then. But knowing that I had that shows me that I can have it again, it can be recovered, re-examined and reinstalled.

The hardest part of unearthing 5 years of memories is the temptation to delve into them. To live in the fantasy of the past. Well; thats just what the past is: Fantasy. It doesn't exist anymore and whats more human memory is extremely mutable. It changes over time (Well documented by the psychologist Piaget and others) and adjusts itself to emotional conditions. A distant & failed love seems brighter when your lonely or unhappy for example. Without some kind of external memory such as a diary or log your likely to have incorrect memories of the past. Then again I peddle in fiction so I shouldn't be concerned with keeping perfect logs of my life, if the details are fudged it only proves I'm still human.

My memories of highschool are universally happy while my memories of Jr High are universally unhappy. I was a happier person in highschool but I don't think the actual difference was as pronounced as I feel it now. The best part of all is false and modified memories are eternal until disproven. I think people with happy dispositions tend to paint their memories alittle brighter whereas "McEmopants" might paint everything as darker and more depressing then it really should be. I tend to review things that have happened to me and that I've done frequently. I think this gives me a more logical view of myself; but by no means more accurate.

"The unexamined life is not worth much" -Socrates