Edge of Passion

One's strength is in the mind, One's mind is a battle with one's self.
-Master Long, Gundam Wing

Unless a man has trained himself for his chance, the chance will only make him ridiculous.
-William Matthew

When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth having.
-Robert Browning

Some people live life without any degree of planning, they drift like floatsam letting fate throw them with whimsy. Others plan for almost everything but become rigid and are destroyed when life throws something unexpected. That tide; that precious water that is life consumes us regardless of our lifestyle. The only thing we can do is live with passion, passion may or may not extend your life, it might lead you to an early grave or terrible sorrow. Passion is the volume switch of life, the more passion you have the more you get out of life. It is clean endless fuel for the soul and for the creative. If you play a video game: play it with passion. Play it with zest and enjoy it fully. If you love then do it with the depth of your heart regardless of the pain that may await you.

When I speak of the emptiness I feel sometimes it is the loss of that passion. When I battle myself I am bound to lose. The nicks and cuts to my soul did not deny me the passion of my heart. Heartbreak and sorrow did their part but it is not loss of love that took away my passion and ambition: It is gone because I fear. I can stand my ground against any enemy of bone or flesh. I can with force of will push aside the strongest minds, I can read the hearts of the broken and give them comfort. But I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to love completely and honestly. I hold back and slink into the medicore. I do not use the fullness of my talent because of fear.

Without this passion for life and this desire to improve and overcome men are nothing. We would not stand on the moon nor would we amass the knowledge and culture we have now.
Problems past have been destroyed, absorbed, overcome and even compromised. But how do you deal with fear of life? I could say that it is apathy, but in truth it nothing so simple.
I am aware that most of this has been said before, and furthermore this is pretty bad writing. But I needed to get it out. I am afraid of not just the future but the present. I fear what is outside my very doorstep for reasons I cannot fathom. Inside me I burn with that desire, that passion and ambition. I want to accomplish and to fight without holding back. It is harrowing to know that kind of power is locked away where I cannot reach it. I literally stand at the edge of it trying desperately to free it so that I too can live with a full heart.

Where is my mind?

A classic Pixies song now demoted to a title of a self-effacing blog. Truly a sad state of affairs.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.

I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.

I am looking for part time work.

I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)

I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.

From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.

My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...

My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.

I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.

That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.

I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.

It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.

What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.

Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.

The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.


Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.

I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.