Heero! Come kill me!

I started watching Gundam Wing in Japanese for the first time last night. I was feeling nostalgia from spending all of last week in Logan with Craig and couldn't think of anything that defined my high school years better.

Almost immediately I was absorbed by studying Relena; you see I was always a huge fan of Relena in the later part of the show. End-of-show Relena was fearless and kind but the girl I was watching wasn't what I remembered or expected.

I don't know why, but I never noticed the struggles or pain she was experiencing in the first "act" of the show. It may have been the English voice actors didn't portray the emotions well; or perhaps I wasn't receptive to it before. Regardless she fascinated me this time around; in many ways she is exactly like Heero and acted as a window into his otherwise murky emotions. But what really interested me was how she acted. She hid behind an aura of civility and politeness; it would be cruel to call her two-faced but I can't think of a better way to say it.

Watching Relena stand there asking Heero to kill her elicited a question, Does she really want to die? or does she just want Heero to give her attention?

I really pondered that question for awhile. The obvious answer is she wants Heero's attention. But I really think to stand there like that, some part of you must welcome death. The answer then must be both. The fact that Heero saves her only leads credence to my theory that Relena and Heero have mirrored souls.

Heero and Relena are really interesting to study, not just because they are similar (internally, while having completely different external personalities.) but because they complete each other.
I personally think that there is no such thing as perfect "love" or relationships, but my ideal is somewhere close to Heero and Relena's relationship: Internally the same but externally different. A person cannot be complete by himself, he needs someone to counterbalance him... to make his half a whole. If two people share a similar soul... if they can understand each other in a way that transcends words... that is better then wealth, or common interests, personality or intellect. Something like that cannot be "created" with all the doctor Phil's and hack self-help books in the world. You can't find it on E-harmony and if you let it go you will never have another chance at it again... such an event is once in a lifetime.

Heero and Relena carried a lot of baggage into the later episodes... yet concordantly they supported each other. Relena gave Heero a reason to live... and fight; Heero showed Relena that she didn't need to hide herself behind a polite facade... and even more then that he inspired in her heart the ideal of total peace.

I think that whatever the personal pain, whatever the struggle happens to be... it's better to share with someone who can truly understand you. Someone who wants you for you and not an idealized version of you or a facade. Many people fell in love with Relena's facade... but only one man loved her for what she was inside. In that one area Heero and I are completely alike... we care more for the heart and truth of a matter... then a lie or facade.

Allegory or hallucination?

There is a spiritual place where a mind goes after a terrible storm.

I went there today, After the storm battered my spirit and wore my emotions raw.

I thought that honesty and tenacity could overcome anything. But I should've known the storm would wear away at my resolve. At moments I clung hopeless as I was battered. Sometimes I lashed out with anger at terrible and uncontrollable events that lead me here. Anger, resolve, love, honesty even faith did not matter. The storm was impossible to fathom and it was impossible to survive. Those who think they can control a storm are beyond naive. You have no power outside your own.

The storm tore away my resolve until I clung with little more then a feeble dream. It dashed me against the rocks again and again. Thunder. Lightning. Waves. Unbearable cold.
It ate away at me until I finally released and slid into quiet but not complete defeat.
My spirit was damp but not destroyed. It did not burn away my soul like it did my desire. But uncovered a new strength. The passion left my body but did not leave my soul.



There are some situations in which you cannot win, no matter how well you fight or play. No matter how honest or pure your intentions. There are times that you will fail through no fault of your own. It is quite honestly the worst feeling in the world. Worse then debilitating mental illness, worse then spiritual emptiness, worse then the agony of a dying body and certainly worse then the loss of unrequitted love. It is doing your best and still failing and of all the things I mentioned it is the one that burdens me most.

In that spiritual place I fell into a deep contemplation. Where was god in this? Did he watch me from afar? Did he cheer me on? Did he await with sadness the eventual sadness I would face in defeat? No god was with me; he stood beside me in a way only he could. Only he could know the power and purity of my thoughts and intentions yet I didn't want him there before. I didn't want the tao. The infinite source of good wasn't with me. But they were with me now, when my spirit was all the remained of me; When my emotions were so drained and raw that I only felt the numbness of a frail and hurting body pushed beyond it's breaking point.

God was here with me. The Tao. Whatever you call it. I did not feel the sting of the failure. or the burning of my overworked body. I felt the peace of one who has given his all and can go on no longer. I have faced enemies in martial arts, I have faced enemies in competitive gaming and I have faced enemies on fields not seen or known to the average mind and eye. Never have I fight to the point where I could fight no longer, always I turn back before the final blow, I spare myself the coup de tat so that I can fight another day and preserve my dignity and honor.

I did not these past few days. Now in the pain of failure I feel the arms of something greater trying to push me back up. Lifting me because I no longer have the strength to carry myself.
There has to be a word for something this wonderful. Yes. It is love. It is faith.

It is not in my nature to give up until defeat is certain. It is something that I know and feel is right and I will persue it until my defeat is complete or I reach a measure of success and put to rest my own feelings. Tonight something beyond me watches out for me, I am in the womb, the cradle, the arms of eternity. I can think of no more comforting thing to someone who risked everything and lost. I will be renewed, I will get back up and I will finish what I started.

I am however in no condition to do anything. Now I rest.

May whatever god you follow cast his blessings on you.

Where is my mind?

A classic Pixies song now demoted to a title of a self-effacing blog. Truly a sad state of affairs.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.

I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.

I am looking for part time work.

I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)

I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.

From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.

My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...

My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.

I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.

That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.

I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.

It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.

What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.

Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.

The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.


Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.

I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.

Lonely Around People

Have you ever be betrayed by someone you love? Hurt so deeply that it festers in the depths of your soul? No pain can compare to that; even the free flow of blood and tears. In a room of people I feel alone now; my closest friend is like my worst enemy.

When I feel this way I can't do anything. My writing is weak, concentration scattered and heart heavy. Do I give up and spiral into despair or fight for a chance of redemption? Alone a man has no power, but give him love and friendship and he can accomplish anything. That’s what I used to think anyway. I don't want to love or trust anyone again so I must have no power.