I’ve come down off the roller coaster of the last few weeks very successfully.
Since I am only now getting back to the work I love (and hate) I have had a lot of time to think and meditate on what path I walk now.
Some people have misunderstood my earlier blogpost relating to death. I did not in fact try to kill myself; rather I didn’t particularly want to stay alive. My body had maxed out on pain and I simply wanted to move on. It was a peaceful almost serene feeling. I didn’t feel bad about the things left undone, or the people I would leave behind. I felt completely detached from everything in the world.
Reality has such gravity to me after that. Everything seems more real then it was before. Colors are more vibrant and sharp; food has more taste and aroma. The unworldliness I brushed upon changed me in ways I didn’t notice immediately.
The second thing I noticed was an argument I had online just recently. I asserted that anyone who neglected spirituality was broken as a human being. I debated with great fervor the existence of god and of deeper spiritual meaning. While I’ve long believed in god and of deeper spiritual meaning, I never forcefully asserted it to a non-believer. I felt oddly compelled to do so in this case.
It feels like the experience has allowed me to grow spiritually in ways I hadn’t realized or expected. While emotionally I feel disconnected still, spiritually I feel calm and fulfilled.
If I am becoming something else I am doing so at without my perception. My thoughts and feelings appear the same, yet I am most certainly not the same person I was months ago. The rush of thoughts on the matter overwhelmed me and it is only now I can speak of them with clarity.
I started to work out again, I’ve started to meditate and practice my Qigong again. My body is slowly forgetting the terrible pain it has endured. I feel oddly alive to stretch my legs and run again. I appreciate the beauty of the trees and stars once more. It took death to fully understand that I was taking life for granted. I don’t think I will ever hate the sensation of a good midnight run.
I cannot be free of all burdens however. Some weigh upon me so heavily that I feel compelled to struggle and free myself. One is forgiveness.
It can be said that I have great emotional endurance, that I can withstand incredible amounts of punishment before I finally yield. That endurance was pushed to it’s limited and broken over a year ago when I first became ill. Since then I have had limited emotional strength in my life. It was not one cut, but a hundred biting stinging wounds that bled me of my strength.
When you hold in hurt and anger it consumes you like a fire. Repressed feelings become deviant and unhealthy… sometimes they lead to obsession, apathy or deeper more unsettling deviance. In the past I sought forgiveness and to mend the small wounds. When you do not keep attending to them the wounds reopen and bleed anew. They are not given a full chance to heal. Many of those wounds now close, I have dozens and dozens left to fix. The hardest ones however are impossible.
Trust and forgiveness are precious and powerful things. I feel that before I move on I must attempt to do as much as possible. In my spirit I feel that I it is somehow vital that I repair all my relationships, from the smallest to the most deepest. Mostly I have been successful, but a few holdouts refuse to talk to me, or are outright hostile. Some of been tricked into believing I am more sinister then I am in truth. Miscommunication and false information have made an unflattering mockery of my true self.
More spiritual? Yes. But my heart still bleeds when it is cut. It is an emptiness to overcome with friendship and love. I am most tired. Perhaps I’ll clear this up tomorrow. Goodnight.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday, June 15, 2007
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Still Alive
I apologize for the lack of updates over the past few weeks. It has been a poorly concealed fact that my health has been poor the last few months. Those closest to me have known the truth: That an infection was eating my brain and nervous system. It's been removed and I'll make a full recovery.Earlier I wrote a lengthy description of what happened. Ultimately I decided that a detailed account of my suffering would further no ends. There is only one event that I feel should be told. I had to wait 10 days for my operation.
Around the seventh day the pain, hallucinations, isolation and emotional pain finally took it’s toll on me. My body grew cold and my heart slowed. The life slowly drained from my body. My breathing grew shallow. I knew instinctively that my body was dying. Part of me wanted to let go; I wanted to leave that body filled with pain. But I couldn’t go. People who loved me called me back.
I teetered on the edge for a while. Several times I lapsed into unconsciousness only to be shaken awake again.
I could not in my heart find a reason to live. Over the past two years most of them had disappeared. I ignored the slow destruction of my soul until precious few things matter to me anymore.
But still I could not ignore the pleading of a few who would not let me go.
It is a strange thing to say, but I was not afraid of death. When I was young I feared the certainty of death with such fervor; when I became a Taoist I looked at death as merely the start of a new adventure.
All of these things swirled around in my mind, until I remembered a quote from the Tao Te Ching. “The sage is filled with life so death cannot enter him.”
I had abandoned the fullness of my life. The realization that I had given up before I had finished struck me hard. And so I took the deepest breaths that I could, and I filled my soul with life.
Two days later (and 1 day before I was scheduled) I had my operation.
Given time the scars will heal, the debts will be repaid, the soul will become whole again. I didn’t have a startling epiphany about the true purpose of my life. I received no insight into the universe. Nothing-profound happening to me except one thing: I’m still alive.
I guess I lied when I said I gained nothing profound from my experiences. Everything that I was before, all that I had lost in pain and torment over the past years came pouring back to me. I gained nothing new. Just things I should’ve remembered all along.
For those interested I’m starting two more blogs soon. One will be about my local political work and the other will be an analyzed view of the gaming industry (and other related fields). On top of that I have a professional grade comic and some other stuff coming down the pipes, plus a redesign (and subsequent editing/reformatting) of this blog. I’m not making it a secret. I need to pay off my medical bills.
Around the seventh day the pain, hallucinations, isolation and emotional pain finally took it’s toll on me. My body grew cold and my heart slowed. The life slowly drained from my body. My breathing grew shallow. I knew instinctively that my body was dying. Part of me wanted to let go; I wanted to leave that body filled with pain. But I couldn’t go. People who loved me called me back.
I teetered on the edge for a while. Several times I lapsed into unconsciousness only to be shaken awake again.
I could not in my heart find a reason to live. Over the past two years most of them had disappeared. I ignored the slow destruction of my soul until precious few things matter to me anymore.
But still I could not ignore the pleading of a few who would not let me go.
It is a strange thing to say, but I was not afraid of death. When I was young I feared the certainty of death with such fervor; when I became a Taoist I looked at death as merely the start of a new adventure.
All of these things swirled around in my mind, until I remembered a quote from the Tao Te Ching. “The sage is filled with life so death cannot enter him.”
I had abandoned the fullness of my life. The realization that I had given up before I had finished struck me hard. And so I took the deepest breaths that I could, and I filled my soul with life.
Two days later (and 1 day before I was scheduled) I had my operation.
Given time the scars will heal, the debts will be repaid, the soul will become whole again. I didn’t have a startling epiphany about the true purpose of my life. I received no insight into the universe. Nothing-profound happening to me except one thing: I’m still alive.
I guess I lied when I said I gained nothing profound from my experiences. Everything that I was before, all that I had lost in pain and torment over the past years came pouring back to me. I gained nothing new. Just things I should’ve remembered all along.
For those interested I’m starting two more blogs soon. One will be about my local political work and the other will be an analyzed view of the gaming industry (and other related fields). On top of that I have a professional grade comic and some other stuff coming down the pipes, plus a redesign (and subsequent editing/reformatting) of this blog. I’m not making it a secret. I need to pay off my medical bills.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Rest Complete
Well I am back. I had a good rest and now I'm ready to roll up the sleeves and get to work.
I know I've said this before; but life has an ebb and flow. It's unescapable really. Sometimes we are drawn into the quiet and reflective, other times we are intensely active. It is in the quiet that I was able to find myself again and refocus on the things I want to accomplish in life. Now for a period of rising intensity culminating in the completion of my first novel.
Sometimes life does read like a good novel; to reach your goal(s) you have to suffer, persevere, struggle, face disappointment and heartbreak; all strains of adversity. In your typical novel the hero overcomes these challenges and arises from the ashes stronger and wiser. All too often in life we are knocked down never to stand again. We put ourselves in a routine and refuse deviance from it. We eat at the same places, talk to the same people, say the same prayers and watch the same shows. Life is far from the mundane that people paint it as!
Watch an old western instead of the daily show, eat mexican instead of chinese food, pray for your cat instead of your mom and talk to the single mom at the laundromat.
Life is too short to waste. Now if you will excuse me I have some writing to do. :)
For those asking I'll put up the rest of the Lifesource project when it's done. lol
I know I've said this before; but life has an ebb and flow. It's unescapable really. Sometimes we are drawn into the quiet and reflective, other times we are intensely active. It is in the quiet that I was able to find myself again and refocus on the things I want to accomplish in life. Now for a period of rising intensity culminating in the completion of my first novel.
Sometimes life does read like a good novel; to reach your goal(s) you have to suffer, persevere, struggle, face disappointment and heartbreak; all strains of adversity. In your typical novel the hero overcomes these challenges and arises from the ashes stronger and wiser. All too often in life we are knocked down never to stand again. We put ourselves in a routine and refuse deviance from it. We eat at the same places, talk to the same people, say the same prayers and watch the same shows. Life is far from the mundane that people paint it as!
Watch an old western instead of the daily show, eat mexican instead of chinese food, pray for your cat instead of your mom and talk to the single mom at the laundromat.
Life is too short to waste. Now if you will excuse me I have some writing to do. :)
For those asking I'll put up the rest of the Lifesource project when it's done. lol
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Lifesource Project Part 1
Of all the projects a writer can embark on: one of the most profound and far reaching is the exploration of both himself and the human condition. It is by understanding themselves that many of the greatest minds of humanity have reached their conclusions. I frequently explore here my dreams: both the lucid and the raw. I have spoke about the connection I feel towards the source of all. I even spoke of my depression and sadness in the wake of intense illness. It is rare however that I speak about my hopes and ideals. Even more rare that I speak of the principals that guide my life.
Originally this project was to be secret. It would be guidelines for my own personal use. Not strict rules but rather guidelines and advice seasoned with both my own wisdom and the wisdom I have gleaned from others. The secrecy was so no rival could exploit it to undo me.
As I change these thoughts to words I was struck with the realization that no rival could exploit this against me. There is no weakness to acting honestly and with a full heart. So here is the first half of the first draft. All the words are my own. Similarities to the work of others is entirely possible but not intentional.
The soul is meant to be full of the light of joy and darkness of sorrow. We should never deny either; nor should we avoid joy and seek sorrow.
Act according to whom you are. Do not pretend. Do not lie. Do not strive beyond your means. Do not allow things that are evil to enter your heart; do not let others change you.
If you can say something better with three words then two: you should do so.
There is no justice in revenge and little satisfaction in justice.
Do not force your will on others.
Love as much as you can. Love your friends. Love your family. Love your wife/girlfriend and love yourself.
An action that preserves harmony and balance is better then an action that is futile or vain.
Lie only to your enemies: and only if you have no recourse.
Lie to your friends to deceive your enemies. But do so only with the utmost regret and gravity. Let there be no other recourse; also give apology for your deception.
Experience and memory define us. The content of our thoughts is less important then how we choose to act on them. That is akin to saying oxygen is more important then trees.
To an enemy, rival or opponent ruthlessness is not only condoned but also necessary.
When a battle is worth winning you should use all tools within your disposal to accomplish that.
Defeat does not diminish your honor: when you strive to your utmost and uphold your principals you not only retain honor but also strengthen it.
Do not fall prey to sympathy ploys or charity. True charity is not given out of guilt or the machinations of the weak.
Guilt is a tool of the weak. A warrior uses the passion of his beliefs and the persuasiveness of their words.
Fight for what you believe in.
Do not silence your critics.
When a man is both your friend and enemy: treat him as both.
Give him no mercy. But instead respect him by using your abilities at their utmost.
Never deny your feelings. Never hide your feelings. Do not allow others to use your feelings as a weapon.
Honor, dignity and respect are ideals worthy of practice and reverence.
Live life to it’s fullest: from the minute to the profound.
Always grant forgiveness when you are asked for it. But be wary of giving away your trust.
If you act with uncertainty you will falter. If you act without flexibility you will snap. If you lie and use cunning your words will become a heavy burden.
Take all things in moderation; even moderation itself.
Do not become blinded by love or hate. If you must act do so with open eyes.
Persistence is the key to success. Success is one path to explore the self.
Never relinquish hope. Never dilute yourself into overreaching mistakes.
Sometimes you walk your path alone. Sometimes you walk it with a friend. But when your friend’s path breaks with yours it is foolish to follow.
Like smoldering flames the tension of hate, distrust, pain and fear will become worse if unattended.
There is nothing more precious to give then yourself. There is nothing more precious to lose. Nothing more precious to have attacked.
A fool is a man who ignores his own heart.
If an enemy is beyond redemption his only mercy is complete defeat. Take away his will to cause harm. Take away his ability to fight. Seize the dark from his heart and leave only fear.
Forgive an insult once. Correct it a second time. The third insult does not go unanswered.
I would like to thank everyone who has served to inspire me and test my mettle. Even the spite and fire of my enemies has not been wasted; I do however feel that thanking my enemies and rivals is too much. Thanks to those who allowed me to use them as target dummies for the past week. I have had many masters, many teachers and many rivals. Each has taught me something I could not learn on my own. Someday the wisdom I have accumulated will be passed down to my students and children. With luck they can avoid some of the mistakes I made (While making brand new mistakes of their own lol.)
When one strives and struggles he sometimes forgets to give his soul respite. I will finish the second half of this when I have finished resting my spirit and soul.
How does one rest the spirit and the soul?
That children is easy: You must feed it. Like the body it requires nourishment.
How do you feed the soul? With meditation and thoughtful reflection. With the warmth of friendship and the beauty of nature.
Originally this project was to be secret. It would be guidelines for my own personal use. Not strict rules but rather guidelines and advice seasoned with both my own wisdom and the wisdom I have gleaned from others. The secrecy was so no rival could exploit it to undo me.
As I change these thoughts to words I was struck with the realization that no rival could exploit this against me. There is no weakness to acting honestly and with a full heart. So here is the first half of the first draft. All the words are my own. Similarities to the work of others is entirely possible but not intentional.
The soul is meant to be full of the light of joy and darkness of sorrow. We should never deny either; nor should we avoid joy and seek sorrow.
Act according to whom you are. Do not pretend. Do not lie. Do not strive beyond your means. Do not allow things that are evil to enter your heart; do not let others change you.
If you can say something better with three words then two: you should do so.
There is no justice in revenge and little satisfaction in justice.
Do not force your will on others.
Love as much as you can. Love your friends. Love your family. Love your wife/girlfriend and love yourself.
An action that preserves harmony and balance is better then an action that is futile or vain.
Lie only to your enemies: and only if you have no recourse.
Lie to your friends to deceive your enemies. But do so only with the utmost regret and gravity. Let there be no other recourse; also give apology for your deception.
Experience and memory define us. The content of our thoughts is less important then how we choose to act on them. That is akin to saying oxygen is more important then trees.
To an enemy, rival or opponent ruthlessness is not only condoned but also necessary.
When a battle is worth winning you should use all tools within your disposal to accomplish that.
Defeat does not diminish your honor: when you strive to your utmost and uphold your principals you not only retain honor but also strengthen it.
Do not fall prey to sympathy ploys or charity. True charity is not given out of guilt or the machinations of the weak.
Guilt is a tool of the weak. A warrior uses the passion of his beliefs and the persuasiveness of their words.
Fight for what you believe in.
Do not silence your critics.
When a man is both your friend and enemy: treat him as both.
Give him no mercy. But instead respect him by using your abilities at their utmost.
Never deny your feelings. Never hide your feelings. Do not allow others to use your feelings as a weapon.
Honor, dignity and respect are ideals worthy of practice and reverence.
Live life to it’s fullest: from the minute to the profound.
Always grant forgiveness when you are asked for it. But be wary of giving away your trust.
If you act with uncertainty you will falter. If you act without flexibility you will snap. If you lie and use cunning your words will become a heavy burden.
Take all things in moderation; even moderation itself.
Do not become blinded by love or hate. If you must act do so with open eyes.
Persistence is the key to success. Success is one path to explore the self.
Never relinquish hope. Never dilute yourself into overreaching mistakes.
Sometimes you walk your path alone. Sometimes you walk it with a friend. But when your friend’s path breaks with yours it is foolish to follow.
Like smoldering flames the tension of hate, distrust, pain and fear will become worse if unattended.
There is nothing more precious to give then yourself. There is nothing more precious to lose. Nothing more precious to have attacked.
A fool is a man who ignores his own heart.
If an enemy is beyond redemption his only mercy is complete defeat. Take away his will to cause harm. Take away his ability to fight. Seize the dark from his heart and leave only fear.
Forgive an insult once. Correct it a second time. The third insult does not go unanswered.
I would like to thank everyone who has served to inspire me and test my mettle. Even the spite and fire of my enemies has not been wasted; I do however feel that thanking my enemies and rivals is too much. Thanks to those who allowed me to use them as target dummies for the past week. I have had many masters, many teachers and many rivals. Each has taught me something I could not learn on my own. Someday the wisdom I have accumulated will be passed down to my students and children. With luck they can avoid some of the mistakes I made (While making brand new mistakes of their own lol.)
When one strives and struggles he sometimes forgets to give his soul respite. I will finish the second half of this when I have finished resting my spirit and soul.
How does one rest the spirit and the soul?
That children is easy: You must feed it. Like the body it requires nourishment.
How do you feed the soul? With meditation and thoughtful reflection. With the warmth of friendship and the beauty of nature.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
"Whats next"
If you complete a task that was twice your ability: Do you because twice a person?
Are we measured by our works and our accomplishments alone? Or perhaps our intentions and methods are weighed alongside them. There is no clear judge of a persons actions. A pious man may be that way out of fear and ignorance and not because of his experiences and knowledge.
I've thought alot about this today. I wonder if we are even being judged at all. God really can't keep score (Unless your a calvinist. In which case I'm sorry...) can he? Hundreds of years ago the debate of faith vs works became a hotly debated issue. To me it's an issue of what kind of god do you believe in. Do you believe god is an ass or an all powerful father?
Some people have asked what has bothered me the last few days. Because I did promise to leave the details of my life out of the blog I'll word this as carefully as I can.
I got my ass handed to me.
Yeah I got beat. Wasted, hosed, pwned, made into a bitch, screwed and stomped.
I had good intentions but quickly learned that nobody cares what your intentions are. Nobody cares if you act in their interest. If you act for the benefit of others it must be a ploy or a ruse. Mistrust was my undoing and I know for the future to guard my good intentions more closely.
I am no stranger to pain and failure; this is one more notch on the belt of life. My life is on the cusp of a new chapter, new challenges await me and laying flat on my back isn't getting me ready. So I take this pain and this failure and I use it. To make me stronger and more prepared.
The way I feel right this second has a perfect line to describe it. It comes from the west wing and I feel it appropriate to end this post with.
"Whats next?"
Are we measured by our works and our accomplishments alone? Or perhaps our intentions and methods are weighed alongside them. There is no clear judge of a persons actions. A pious man may be that way out of fear and ignorance and not because of his experiences and knowledge.
I've thought alot about this today. I wonder if we are even being judged at all. God really can't keep score (Unless your a calvinist. In which case I'm sorry...) can he? Hundreds of years ago the debate of faith vs works became a hotly debated issue. To me it's an issue of what kind of god do you believe in. Do you believe god is an ass or an all powerful father?
Some people have asked what has bothered me the last few days. Because I did promise to leave the details of my life out of the blog I'll word this as carefully as I can.
I got my ass handed to me.
Yeah I got beat. Wasted, hosed, pwned, made into a bitch, screwed and stomped.
I had good intentions but quickly learned that nobody cares what your intentions are. Nobody cares if you act in their interest. If you act for the benefit of others it must be a ploy or a ruse. Mistrust was my undoing and I know for the future to guard my good intentions more closely.
I am no stranger to pain and failure; this is one more notch on the belt of life. My life is on the cusp of a new chapter, new challenges await me and laying flat on my back isn't getting me ready. So I take this pain and this failure and I use it. To make me stronger and more prepared.
The way I feel right this second has a perfect line to describe it. It comes from the west wing and I feel it appropriate to end this post with.
"Whats next?"
Monday, March 05, 2007
Edge of Passion
One's strength is in the mind, One's mind is a battle with one's self.
-Master Long, Gundam Wing
Unless a man has trained himself for his chance, the chance will only make him ridiculous.
-William Matthew
When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth having.
-Robert Browning
Some people live life without any degree of planning, they drift like floatsam letting fate throw them with whimsy. Others plan for almost everything but become rigid and are destroyed when life throws something unexpected. That tide; that precious water that is life consumes us regardless of our lifestyle. The only thing we can do is live with passion, passion may or may not extend your life, it might lead you to an early grave or terrible sorrow. Passion is the volume switch of life, the more passion you have the more you get out of life. It is clean endless fuel for the soul and for the creative. If you play a video game: play it with passion. Play it with zest and enjoy it fully. If you love then do it with the depth of your heart regardless of the pain that may await you.
When I speak of the emptiness I feel sometimes it is the loss of that passion. When I battle myself I am bound to lose. The nicks and cuts to my soul did not deny me the passion of my heart. Heartbreak and sorrow did their part but it is not loss of love that took away my passion and ambition: It is gone because I fear. I can stand my ground against any enemy of bone or flesh. I can with force of will push aside the strongest minds, I can read the hearts of the broken and give them comfort. But I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to love completely and honestly. I hold back and slink into the medicore. I do not use the fullness of my talent because of fear.
Without this passion for life and this desire to improve and overcome men are nothing. We would not stand on the moon nor would we amass the knowledge and culture we have now.
Problems past have been destroyed, absorbed, overcome and even compromised. But how do you deal with fear of life? I could say that it is apathy, but in truth it nothing so simple.
I am aware that most of this has been said before, and furthermore this is pretty bad writing. But I needed to get it out. I am afraid of not just the future but the present. I fear what is outside my very doorstep for reasons I cannot fathom. Inside me I burn with that desire, that passion and ambition. I want to accomplish and to fight without holding back. It is harrowing to know that kind of power is locked away where I cannot reach it. I literally stand at the edge of it trying desperately to free it so that I too can live with a full heart.
-Master Long, Gundam Wing
Unless a man has trained himself for his chance, the chance will only make him ridiculous.
-William Matthew
When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth having.
-Robert Browning
Some people live life without any degree of planning, they drift like floatsam letting fate throw them with whimsy. Others plan for almost everything but become rigid and are destroyed when life throws something unexpected. That tide; that precious water that is life consumes us regardless of our lifestyle. The only thing we can do is live with passion, passion may or may not extend your life, it might lead you to an early grave or terrible sorrow. Passion is the volume switch of life, the more passion you have the more you get out of life. It is clean endless fuel for the soul and for the creative. If you play a video game: play it with passion. Play it with zest and enjoy it fully. If you love then do it with the depth of your heart regardless of the pain that may await you.
When I speak of the emptiness I feel sometimes it is the loss of that passion. When I battle myself I am bound to lose. The nicks and cuts to my soul did not deny me the passion of my heart. Heartbreak and sorrow did their part but it is not loss of love that took away my passion and ambition: It is gone because I fear. I can stand my ground against any enemy of bone or flesh. I can with force of will push aside the strongest minds, I can read the hearts of the broken and give them comfort. But I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to love completely and honestly. I hold back and slink into the medicore. I do not use the fullness of my talent because of fear.
Without this passion for life and this desire to improve and overcome men are nothing. We would not stand on the moon nor would we amass the knowledge and culture we have now.
Problems past have been destroyed, absorbed, overcome and even compromised. But how do you deal with fear of life? I could say that it is apathy, but in truth it nothing so simple.
I am aware that most of this has been said before, and furthermore this is pretty bad writing. But I needed to get it out. I am afraid of not just the future but the present. I fear what is outside my very doorstep for reasons I cannot fathom. Inside me I burn with that desire, that passion and ambition. I want to accomplish and to fight without holding back. It is harrowing to know that kind of power is locked away where I cannot reach it. I literally stand at the edge of it trying desperately to free it so that I too can live with a full heart.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Where is my mind?
A classic Pixies song now demoted to a title of a self-effacing blog. Truly a sad state of affairs.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.
I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.
I am looking for part time work.
I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)
I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.
From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.
My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...
My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.
I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.
That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.
I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.
It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.
What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.
Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.
The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.
Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.
I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.
I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.
I am looking for part time work.
I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)
I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.
From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.
My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...
My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.
I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.
That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.
I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.
It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.
What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.
Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.
The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.
Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.
I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Long Over Due
Of the past months I can only say that after walking through hell the thought of heaven seems all the better. That’s a metaphor of course. My health has been shattered, my weight hovers around double digits and the pain keeps disrupting my thoughts. People I loved have carelessly smashed my heart and even my faith has been uprooted. I was forced to quit my job and live in isolation.
While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.
I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.
I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.
I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.
I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.
I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.
I am lazy. Nuff said.
I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.
I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.
In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.
While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.
I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.
I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.
I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.
I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.
I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.
I am lazy. Nuff said.
I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.
I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.
In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
The Mundane
It's too easy for people to be mired in life, for every important thing in your life three mundane things exist to distract you from it. Do the mundane and the average take importance over the unique and exceptional? Or could it be the reverse?
Watch the movie Rent, They sing about how many moments are in a year. You spent the majority of those moments working, studying, driving or doing something else you don't enjoy (or marginally enjoy) for a few moments of pleasure each day. It is in this that life is especially cruel. We are each allotted a certain amount of time in life and no idea how much that is. I could spent 8 years in school to be a doctor and be struck dead the day I finish. Sounds pretty fair eh?
On the flip side if you waste your life chasing short term happiness and live to be an old man. What did you accomplish? Can you tell your grandchild stories about the battles you've fought or the things you've done? Will your children respect you? It is in balance that all things are meant to be. The mundane can be enjoyed. Cooking is a lot of fun; Driving is a lot of fun. Don't let them become mundane or you'll waste your life being unhappy.
Watch the movie Rent, They sing about how many moments are in a year. You spent the majority of those moments working, studying, driving or doing something else you don't enjoy (or marginally enjoy) for a few moments of pleasure each day. It is in this that life is especially cruel. We are each allotted a certain amount of time in life and no idea how much that is. I could spent 8 years in school to be a doctor and be struck dead the day I finish. Sounds pretty fair eh?
On the flip side if you waste your life chasing short term happiness and live to be an old man. What did you accomplish? Can you tell your grandchild stories about the battles you've fought or the things you've done? Will your children respect you? It is in balance that all things are meant to be. The mundane can be enjoyed. Cooking is a lot of fun; Driving is a lot of fun. Don't let them become mundane or you'll waste your life being unhappy.
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