Heero! Come kill me!

I started watching Gundam Wing in Japanese for the first time last night. I was feeling nostalgia from spending all of last week in Logan with Craig and couldn't think of anything that defined my high school years better.

Almost immediately I was absorbed by studying Relena; you see I was always a huge fan of Relena in the later part of the show. End-of-show Relena was fearless and kind but the girl I was watching wasn't what I remembered or expected.

I don't know why, but I never noticed the struggles or pain she was experiencing in the first "act" of the show. It may have been the English voice actors didn't portray the emotions well; or perhaps I wasn't receptive to it before. Regardless she fascinated me this time around; in many ways she is exactly like Heero and acted as a window into his otherwise murky emotions. But what really interested me was how she acted. She hid behind an aura of civility and politeness; it would be cruel to call her two-faced but I can't think of a better way to say it.

Watching Relena stand there asking Heero to kill her elicited a question, Does she really want to die? or does she just want Heero to give her attention?

I really pondered that question for awhile. The obvious answer is she wants Heero's attention. But I really think to stand there like that, some part of you must welcome death. The answer then must be both. The fact that Heero saves her only leads credence to my theory that Relena and Heero have mirrored souls.

Heero and Relena are really interesting to study, not just because they are similar (internally, while having completely different external personalities.) but because they complete each other.
I personally think that there is no such thing as perfect "love" or relationships, but my ideal is somewhere close to Heero and Relena's relationship: Internally the same but externally different. A person cannot be complete by himself, he needs someone to counterbalance him... to make his half a whole. If two people share a similar soul... if they can understand each other in a way that transcends words... that is better then wealth, or common interests, personality or intellect. Something like that cannot be "created" with all the doctor Phil's and hack self-help books in the world. You can't find it on E-harmony and if you let it go you will never have another chance at it again... such an event is once in a lifetime.

Heero and Relena carried a lot of baggage into the later episodes... yet concordantly they supported each other. Relena gave Heero a reason to live... and fight; Heero showed Relena that she didn't need to hide herself behind a polite facade... and even more then that he inspired in her heart the ideal of total peace.

I think that whatever the personal pain, whatever the struggle happens to be... it's better to share with someone who can truly understand you. Someone who wants you for you and not an idealized version of you or a facade. Many people fell in love with Relena's facade... but only one man loved her for what she was inside. In that one area Heero and I are completely alike... we care more for the heart and truth of a matter... then a lie or facade.

Lifesource Project Part 1

Of all the projects a writer can embark on: one of the most profound and far reaching is the exploration of both himself and the human condition. It is by understanding themselves that many of the greatest minds of humanity have reached their conclusions. I frequently explore here my dreams: both the lucid and the raw. I have spoke about the connection I feel towards the source of all. I even spoke of my depression and sadness in the wake of intense illness. It is rare however that I speak about my hopes and ideals. Even more rare that I speak of the principals that guide my life.

Originally this project was to be secret. It would be guidelines for my own personal use. Not strict rules but rather guidelines and advice seasoned with both my own wisdom and the wisdom I have gleaned from others. The secrecy was so no rival could exploit it to undo me.
As I change these thoughts to words I was struck with the realization that no rival could exploit this against me. There is no weakness to acting honestly and with a full heart. So here is the first half of the first draft. All the words are my own. Similarities to the work of others is entirely possible but not intentional.



The soul is meant to be full of the light of joy and darkness of sorrow. We should never deny either; nor should we avoid joy and seek sorrow.

Act according to whom you are. Do not pretend. Do not lie. Do not strive beyond your means. Do not allow things that are evil to enter your heart; do not let others change you.

If you can say something better with three words then two: you should do so.

There is no justice in revenge and little satisfaction in justice.

Do not force your will on others.

Love as much as you can. Love your friends. Love your family. Love your wife/girlfriend and love yourself.

An action that preserves harmony and balance is better then an action that is futile or vain.

Lie only to your enemies: and only if you have no recourse.

Lie to your friends to deceive your enemies. But do so only with the utmost regret and gravity. Let there be no other recourse; also give apology for your deception.

Experience and memory define us. The content of our thoughts is less important then how we choose to act on them. That is akin to saying oxygen is more important then trees.

To an enemy, rival or opponent ruthlessness is not only condoned but also necessary.

When a battle is worth winning you should use all tools within your disposal to accomplish that.

Defeat does not diminish your honor: when you strive to your utmost and uphold your principals you not only retain honor but also strengthen it.

Do not fall prey to sympathy ploys or charity. True charity is not given out of guilt or the machinations of the weak.

Guilt is a tool of the weak. A warrior uses the passion of his beliefs and the persuasiveness of their words.

Fight for what you believe in.

Do not silence your critics.

When a man is both your friend and enemy: treat him as both.
Give him no mercy. But instead respect him by using your abilities at their utmost.

Never deny your feelings. Never hide your feelings. Do not allow others to use your feelings as a weapon.

Honor, dignity and respect are ideals worthy of practice and reverence.

Live life to it’s fullest: from the minute to the profound.

Always grant forgiveness when you are asked for it. But be wary of giving away your trust.

If you act with uncertainty you will falter. If you act without flexibility you will snap. If you lie and use cunning your words will become a heavy burden.

Take all things in moderation; even moderation itself.

Do not become blinded by love or hate. If you must act do so with open eyes.

Persistence is the key to success. Success is one path to explore the self.

Never relinquish hope. Never dilute yourself into overreaching mistakes.

Sometimes you walk your path alone. Sometimes you walk it with a friend. But when your friend’s path breaks with yours it is foolish to follow.

Like smoldering flames the tension of hate, distrust, pain and fear will become worse if unattended.

There is nothing more precious to give then yourself. There is nothing more precious to lose. Nothing more precious to have attacked.

A fool is a man who ignores his own heart.

If an enemy is beyond redemption his only mercy is complete defeat. Take away his will to cause harm. Take away his ability to fight. Seize the dark from his heart and leave only fear.

Forgive an insult once. Correct it a second time. The third insult does not go unanswered.


I would like to thank everyone who has served to inspire me and test my mettle. Even the spite and fire of my enemies has not been wasted; I do however feel that thanking my enemies and rivals is too much. Thanks to those who allowed me to use them as target dummies for the past week. I have had many masters, many teachers and many rivals. Each has taught me something I could not learn on my own. Someday the wisdom I have accumulated will be passed down to my students and children. With luck they can avoid some of the mistakes I made (While making brand new mistakes of their own lol.)

When one strives and struggles he sometimes forgets to give his soul respite. I will finish the second half of this when I have finished resting my spirit and soul.
How does one rest the spirit and the soul?
That children is easy: You must feed it. Like the body it requires nourishment.
How do you feed the soul? With meditation and thoughtful reflection. With the warmth of friendship and the beauty of nature.