One's strength is in the mind, One's mind is a battle with one's self.
-Master Long, Gundam Wing
Unless a man has trained himself for his chance, the chance will only make him ridiculous.
-William Matthew
When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth having.
-Robert Browning
Some people live life without any degree of planning, they drift like floatsam letting fate throw them with whimsy. Others plan for almost everything but become rigid and are destroyed when life throws something unexpected. That tide; that precious water that is life consumes us regardless of our lifestyle. The only thing we can do is live with passion, passion may or may not extend your life, it might lead you to an early grave or terrible sorrow. Passion is the volume switch of life, the more passion you have the more you get out of life. It is clean endless fuel for the soul and for the creative. If you play a video game: play it with passion. Play it with zest and enjoy it fully. If you love then do it with the depth of your heart regardless of the pain that may await you.
When I speak of the emptiness I feel sometimes it is the loss of that passion. When I battle myself I am bound to lose. The nicks and cuts to my soul did not deny me the passion of my heart. Heartbreak and sorrow did their part but it is not loss of love that took away my passion and ambition: It is gone because I fear. I can stand my ground against any enemy of bone or flesh. I can with force of will push aside the strongest minds, I can read the hearts of the broken and give them comfort. But I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to love completely and honestly. I hold back and slink into the medicore. I do not use the fullness of my talent because of fear.
Without this passion for life and this desire to improve and overcome men are nothing. We would not stand on the moon nor would we amass the knowledge and culture we have now.
Problems past have been destroyed, absorbed, overcome and even compromised. But how do you deal with fear of life? I could say that it is apathy, but in truth it nothing so simple.
I am aware that most of this has been said before, and furthermore this is pretty bad writing. But I needed to get it out. I am afraid of not just the future but the present. I fear what is outside my very doorstep for reasons I cannot fathom. Inside me I burn with that desire, that passion and ambition. I want to accomplish and to fight without holding back. It is harrowing to know that kind of power is locked away where I cannot reach it. I literally stand at the edge of it trying desperately to free it so that I too can live with a full heart.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Where is my mind?
A classic Pixies song now demoted to a title of a self-effacing blog. Truly a sad state of affairs.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.
I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.
I am looking for part time work.
I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)
I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.
From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.
My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...
My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.
I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.
That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.
I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.
It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.
What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.
Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.
The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.
Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.
I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.
My 24 hour flu has been vanquished like the helpless bug it was; the apartment is nearly finished and I finally have company with me. As promised I will update the events in my life so I can get back to musing about pointless topics.
I will not be going back east to work for the DNC. I will however be giving my time to the local efforts as well as starting a poltical blog that closely watching national trends.
I am looking for part time work.
I am looking for a literary agent. (One that reads this blog must think I'm a hack.)
I am finishing both a sourcebook and novel for my setting. The sourcebook history really really needs work but the novel is proceeding smoothly.
From an emotional standpoint the new place has been immensely helpful. I really think I can make exceptional things happpen here and now. Is there still work to be done? Of course.
My car works. Except the low air in the front passenger-side tire and a transmission fluid leak...
My diet and exercise routine has been completely and utterly destroyed. I am now literally powered by mountain dew and pork chops exclusively. Thankfully I am skilled in the combination of the two. My primary concern about exercise is its hard to workout by yourself.
I've had fewer and less graphic dreams. Not sure if that is good or bad.
That catches everyone up on the events of my life. A state of the union for the mundane and uninteresting if you will.
I touched briefly on the emotional implications of my new apartment. I feel it's only fair in the interests of both self discovery and total disclosure to elaborate on that.
You see in the past I've talked alot about my fear of failure, insatiable need for love and attention, tendacy towards isolation when I need people most, emotional instability and spiritual emptiness. Right now I have to face all of that at once. Like each struggle before was a trial run for now. I keep saying this and it's still true; but I feel like I'm not being myself. Like the real me is locked away inside and can't get out. Sometimes when I talk to certain people or about certain things or go to specific places I can feel it come to the surface.
It wouldn't be fair to proclaim I am the only person in my generation to face a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Most (myself sometimes) try to fill that feeling with possessions or unreality. They absorb books, movies and shows with an almost obssessive compulsion. They collect trivia on useless subjects, they drink and party to excess, some use drugs or have sex with multiple partners (sometimes at once. lucky bastards). All to fill a hole in the soul.
What is suppose to fill that hold? I think it depends largely on the person. All the things I listed above work for some people. Some are very happy collecting M.A.S.H episodes or obsessively watching anime and dressing up for cons. (for the record I like Anime; Don't murder me you nutty Otaku!) Those however (pardon me again Otaku) are too shallow for me. I believe for me this yearning open hole can be filled with love (That sounded really wrong.) and accomplishments big and small. Right now however it's just a big cold empty hole. Anime doesn't fill it, TV doesn't fill it, Books and games don't fill it, love is too fleeting to fill it for more then a second and my accomplishments now are simply too small to fill it for long.
Now we have discussed the hole in the soul. Why is love fleeting? People love me, I love people. No problem right? Well thats an overly simplistic way of looking at it. There are in my view 5 kinds of love. (or more).
Family and Casual Friendships. (which we disregard for this discussion.) and then 3 flavors of "more". Some people are more then friends but because of past history/religion/fear/practical concerns remain in that awkward stage between friendship and romance. Typically people stuck in this stage stop being friends or move one way or the other. In this regard it's a transitive state and not a lasting one. The exception to this is "friends with benefits" or certain variations thereof. With enough maturity you can freely move between the various states with the same person but only with clearly defined limitations and rules. Generally this doesn't happen and it turns into a trainwreck for all to see. When done properly it can act as a needly emotional and physical release or a catalyst for a relationship or friendship.
The fourth and Fifth stages are romantic love for which we are all familar with. I put this into two catagories and then two sub-catagories. Emotionally binding relationships and Relationships of Passion, Then two sub catagories Mutual or partial attraction.
Emotionally binding relationships are long term and difficult to seperate. It is possible to have an emotionally binding relationship without sex or any physical intimacy (hella unlikely however). A relationship of passion is short term and has alot of lust. In one of life's greatest ironies lust is required to burn away the initial barriers people have against each other. Lust is the fire that allows a relationship to reach that lofty and exalted position of emotional intimacy.
Relationships then have a final distincion: If they are mutual or one sided.
Now. Distinctions aside. I do care about alot of people. I have a couple of emotional relationsips that I am quite happy with. To me physical needs are less important so lets discard those. It is with that final distinction I have issue. I care about people who don't return that feeling. Some people love me that I can't and don't feel that way about. The relationships are not mutual.
The relationships I am happy with outweigh the unhappy or incomplete relationships; but being the perfectionist prick that I am I have to think about it and work on it.
I will always love and care about some people, no matter what. In them I have seen a kindness or a beauty that is rare in others. Even concealed from me now I feel attracted to it. It does at times of weakness make my heart ache to think about. But worst of all it binds my heart down. Those secret unspeakable pains concealed beneath those ugly jagged scars fester each day with it. If my heart were free to love as much and as often as it could I would reach happiness on a level that I can only barely understand now. But each time I open my heart to someone they get alittle piece of the heartstrings they never let go of. Over time it has bound me firmly to the ground, I fear if I were to escape it would bring pain to those who still have an open heart to me.
Thats enough musing for tonight. Love guide each of your pathes till it's end.
Monday, February 26, 2007
There is no place like...
Todays title taken from "The Wizard of Oz" has become part of an iconic era of american film; it's a testament to writing and storytelling of that era. As a storyteller I appreciate the simple yet elequent wording: There is no place like home. Dorothoy didn't choose to undertake her adventure... it was thrust upon her; her only wish was to return to her family and her little house in kansas.
I too now have a home, far away from own "Kansas", With an apartment and career I am faced with all kinds of new problems. I chose this of my own free will and even pushed for it. With this new freedom I can tackle life with a new and more open outlook. I would love to talk about this more but I am very sick right now. Hopefully tomorrow I can give this the kind of attention it needs.
I too now have a home, far away from own "Kansas", With an apartment and career I am faced with all kinds of new problems. I chose this of my own free will and even pushed for it. With this new freedom I can tackle life with a new and more open outlook. I would love to talk about this more but I am very sick right now. Hopefully tomorrow I can give this the kind of attention it needs.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Become Stronger
The Art of War has long been a part of the Taoist cannon. The ideal of self-discipline and flexibility is seamless with those beliefs. To overcome a problem of immense size and quality it requires incredible power and wisdom. As time passes my emotional, mental and spiritual energy start to decrease, I literally lose the means to fight my illness as time goes on; It becomes a vicious cycle that leads to my eventual destruction.
An successful long term cure requires more energy then I have. It's really that simple.
Before I was caught off guard, isolated and depraved of the things that made me strong.
However now is completely different. During my lengthy battle I had ample time to understand my problem. One thing that is unique is how the strength of my beliefs influenced it. It's most notable side effect is a sharply polarized and contrasting personality shift. My belief in the nature of balance has acted as a sort of bungee cord. Instead of a spiral downwards followed by a crash; it's a yo-yo that swings up and down seeking a balancing point. When I push it pushes back. When I retreat it follows. Such an occurance within a person isn't unusual. But the depths and heights are not only unusual but dangerous. Too far down and I become a monster; too far up and I become an arrogant do-gooder.
The middle has be to strong, the discipline of mind, spirit and energy. I need to be guided less by the damaged psychology of my mind and more by the calm tranquility of my spirit. It is then that I can finish the repairs needed. I actually discovered several insights (and borrowed some) that will be key to this. This is my loose plan.
1. Order: When everything around you is clean and orderly your mind begins to reflect that. When you are calm in your mind your heart follows it. When you are calm in your heart your mind follows it.
2. Emotional Control: Momentium is power; stop things when they are small and they cannot grow large enough to do harm. It is easier to prevent emotional hardship then to overcome.
3. Improve: The purity of the body lends itself to the purity of the mind and spirit. Fostering the body and spirit will improve the mind. The mind itself can be improved with knowledge and wisdom. First remove the impure from the self, then replace it with what is desired.
4: Tactics: A force that is alone is easy to overcome. Love, affection, friendship, loyalty and respect are all words that describe the relationship between friends. Actually telling someone you care about them makes them stronger. Showing loyalty and friendship fosters more loyalty and friendship. There is nothing to lose from improving your relationships with others. When you have the strength of friendship it's difficult to be caught alone and eliminated.
It's so simple a child could understand it. Pull towards the middle and foster mind, body and spirit. Then take your time to repair and rebuild. Relationships serve as a two-way source of strength and a safety net. This is a plan without flaw and without error. It is however difficult and asks of me things I couldnt do before.
Goodnight
An successful long term cure requires more energy then I have. It's really that simple.
Before I was caught off guard, isolated and depraved of the things that made me strong.
However now is completely different. During my lengthy battle I had ample time to understand my problem. One thing that is unique is how the strength of my beliefs influenced it. It's most notable side effect is a sharply polarized and contrasting personality shift. My belief in the nature of balance has acted as a sort of bungee cord. Instead of a spiral downwards followed by a crash; it's a yo-yo that swings up and down seeking a balancing point. When I push it pushes back. When I retreat it follows. Such an occurance within a person isn't unusual. But the depths and heights are not only unusual but dangerous. Too far down and I become a monster; too far up and I become an arrogant do-gooder.
The middle has be to strong, the discipline of mind, spirit and energy. I need to be guided less by the damaged psychology of my mind and more by the calm tranquility of my spirit. It is then that I can finish the repairs needed. I actually discovered several insights (and borrowed some) that will be key to this. This is my loose plan.
1. Order: When everything around you is clean and orderly your mind begins to reflect that. When you are calm in your mind your heart follows it. When you are calm in your heart your mind follows it.
2. Emotional Control: Momentium is power; stop things when they are small and they cannot grow large enough to do harm. It is easier to prevent emotional hardship then to overcome.
3. Improve: The purity of the body lends itself to the purity of the mind and spirit. Fostering the body and spirit will improve the mind. The mind itself can be improved with knowledge and wisdom. First remove the impure from the self, then replace it with what is desired.
4: Tactics: A force that is alone is easy to overcome. Love, affection, friendship, loyalty and respect are all words that describe the relationship between friends. Actually telling someone you care about them makes them stronger. Showing loyalty and friendship fosters more loyalty and friendship. There is nothing to lose from improving your relationships with others. When you have the strength of friendship it's difficult to be caught alone and eliminated.
It's so simple a child could understand it. Pull towards the middle and foster mind, body and spirit. Then take your time to repair and rebuild. Relationships serve as a two-way source of strength and a safety net. This is a plan without flaw and without error. It is however difficult and asks of me things I couldnt do before.
Goodnight
Friday, January 26, 2007
The Lonely Battlefield
This is a blogpost I have long dreaded. Had I known the circumstances that I am involved in now I would've done this a long time ago. I have long believed in keeping my life an open book, I keep no secrets; my openness is the perfect defense. People have no interest in uncovering things left in the open; as a consquence only a handful of people (outside those who do not know) have asked about the events of over a year ago that lead to my brief state of mental illness.
To make this complicated I'm not going to use any names, or cite specific events. Also the order could be slightly off as my memory of some things is second hand or extremely hazy.
The sequence of events is coming to me slowly. But the first event I remember clearly is one I have told no one about. I was at work at the hospital and occasionally I would be moved from parking services to actual security work. Generally this involved me being stern to sick and elderly people... something not entirely in my nature. But I remember very clearly a moment of glee during this work that otherwise disturbed me to do. It was the the first sign of a growing problem.
You see I've been branded something of an anti-hero by people who know me. I am willing to do good but more then willing to play dirty or bend rules to accomplish it. When I worked I put on a facade of happiness, but in my personal life I was anything but happy. A handful of things made me happy and as time went on I started getting darker and darker. Some of my beliefs degraded into superstition and others were cut down more then that. It happened so slowly that I didn't notice it. My facade was there but inside me something was eating away at my soul.
My first true awareness came during my trip to Vegas. I spent alot of time thinking on the trip (Not much else to do) and an even greater amount talking. I gained an awareness that something inside me was in dissent.
During that trip I slept very little except for one night, it was in fact the first night I had ever drank heavy in my life. We hit several clubs and bars that night. Up until this point I had only had sake on my 21st birthday; I feared becoming like my father and shunned alot of things for it. Needless to say whatever was inside me broke free for a short time; many hours later I could barely be dragged back to the hotel. I poured alot of reflection inwards and tried to understand everything that was going on. My conclusion at that time was that if I were careful about it drinking could be a useful way to relax and promote creativity. The darker problems however just hovered outside of my attention.
Between this and my new york trip not much happened on this topic. I slowly became more and more aware of it. But to me it was a small problem and I had something more important on my mind. I also started getting some mild headaches and toothaches. I started taking painkillers of different sorts for it.
Almost immediately after my New York trip things went downhill. I started to hallucinate things that were clearly not real; most of which were deeply disturbing. I would have moments of startling clarity followed by bouts of incredible pain. I started to have memory blackouts and had problems controlling my anger. At first I didn't know how to respond. I tried to hide it and distance myself from people. A few saw something was wrong right away. Most however didn't notice anything was wrong until much later. It didn't take long before my anger and violent behavior was plain to see for most everyone to see. It had a serious and adverse effect on my job performance which was clearly noted by my coworkers and bosses. I was sent off away from people to do unplesant jobs in isolation. It was there that I realized I was starting to hurt people around me. This caused me to make the first mistake: isolate myself.
I did isolate myself emotionally and I put my efforts into fixing this problem inside me. It didn't however work out. Instead of being me I felt like more and more I was being pushed into the passenger seat. I would lose control for a few moments and then be myself again. It was depressing and terrifying at the same time. It was bad for awhile, but with time I was able to manage the pain and pushed myself to a point where I felt safe in society. I tried to contact my girlfriend only to discover that my isolation and painful lashing out had caused her to move on. In my eyes this was cheated and it hurt me deeply. Reeling from the pain of this event I made an even more stupid move. There was another girl whom I had deep feelings for. We were friends and I was in a position of trust. It was in the pain of those two cratered relationships that I truly descended into madness.
Days later I had a complete meltdown, In my despair I was ready to give up on world. The evil that hid in the corners of my reality started to assert control. It was in that final terrifying moment that I realized I was becoming this monster. It was with these last few minutes of clarity and control that I attempted to kill myself; I knew the terrible things I would do to those I loved and I couldn't bear to let it happen. One person hadn't given up on me, in those final moments before I lost it she talked me out of killing myself. For it she paid a terrible price as my first victim.
I have been asked what it felt like. Most of the time it was like being alseep and only vaguely aware that you even exist. Sometimes I would kick and scream for air because the darkness was so complete that it felt like it was choking me. Sometimes I aware of the goings on, but it was surreal. Such moments were fleeting and could've easily been a dream. Sometimes I would be called forth violently by a tearful friend only to be choked down again. It was like being sleepy and having no desire to fight. Over time the fracture in my mind started to grow. Varient personalities started to emerge. A bard, a spiritualist, a warrior. Even the evil that beat me down grew fractured and disjointed. The chaos of all those voices only fueled the madness I felt.
The headaches and the pain grew greater and greater over time until no one personality could remain in control for long.
It was the death of my grandfather that caused things to reach a head.
The warrior personality pulled everything together, along with some help from an unexpected source. Aside from some dissent and immense physical pain I was fine. One night on a date I bite into some Chow Mein and a tooth which had rotted on the inside caved in. The pain was staggering and I could barely stand. The next day I had an emergency dentist appointment. 4 of the teeth on my left side had rotted on the inside while the outside was perfectly intact. X-rays showed black infection had filled my sinus canals and was putting immense pressure on my brain. This was the cause of all that suffering. To fix it they would have to pull all the teeth and drain the infection. Despite being on painkillers I tell you that relief from pressure I received that day was the greatest feeling in the world. It beats sex, it beats personal accomplishment, booze, emotional intimacy and even the satisfaction of victory as the best feeling in the world. But like all those things it didn't last long.
The emotional and mental problems didn't disappear over night: but the source did. I quit my job and forced myself into working full time on a cure. To which I was met with modest succcess: I mended the majority of the friendships I lost during that time (and some from before.) and rediscovered my religion. It was however not easy and several times I nearly slipped back down into that yawning pit of despair. Particularly in times of extreme stress or emotional duress. Because of that I have had to restrain myself: my relationships are not deep because I fear another deep emotional wound will cripple me. I no longer train myself with the fervor I once did for fear I could lose control of my body and hurt someone. I have become untrusting of myself and I have become untrusting of others.
Mostly I have fought this alone. Occasionally a friend or two would intervene but most found themselves hopelessly outmatched. As time has gone on I have asserted more and more control and received a clearer view of who I am now. I'm ready to overcome it completely but I find that some parts will not heal. Some wounds are still deep and ooze with emotional puss. I ran away from this evil and didn't face it until it nearly consumed me. This entire time I have chosen the easiest of battles. I have fought against that which I know is evil and wrong while refusing to face my own emotional pains. The very pains that put me here in the first place.
Yes. It has been lonely. But this last and final battle is not mine alone. I did not cut the scars into my soul and my hand alone cannot heal them nor put to rest the conflict in my mind. Even as I take steps to rise above what I was before I know that as long as this festering scar exists I will always be in danger of letting that evil seep into me. Right now this is my only problem. I hold no ambitions as a writer, a gamer, a political junkie or anything else. Nothing else exists.
Everyone that is extra has been deleted from my various contacts lists. Everyone else is unblocked now; anyone who thinks they can help me has one week to say so. At the end of that week I'm going to the one place I can know I can heal properly. People who give me overt religious conversion themed answers will also be ignored. The urgency that keeps me awake at night is that if I don't finish the job it will come back eventually.
Goodnight. Sleep well.
To make this complicated I'm not going to use any names, or cite specific events. Also the order could be slightly off as my memory of some things is second hand or extremely hazy.
The sequence of events is coming to me slowly. But the first event I remember clearly is one I have told no one about. I was at work at the hospital and occasionally I would be moved from parking services to actual security work. Generally this involved me being stern to sick and elderly people... something not entirely in my nature. But I remember very clearly a moment of glee during this work that otherwise disturbed me to do. It was the the first sign of a growing problem.
You see I've been branded something of an anti-hero by people who know me. I am willing to do good but more then willing to play dirty or bend rules to accomplish it. When I worked I put on a facade of happiness, but in my personal life I was anything but happy. A handful of things made me happy and as time went on I started getting darker and darker. Some of my beliefs degraded into superstition and others were cut down more then that. It happened so slowly that I didn't notice it. My facade was there but inside me something was eating away at my soul.
My first true awareness came during my trip to Vegas. I spent alot of time thinking on the trip (Not much else to do) and an even greater amount talking. I gained an awareness that something inside me was in dissent.
During that trip I slept very little except for one night, it was in fact the first night I had ever drank heavy in my life. We hit several clubs and bars that night. Up until this point I had only had sake on my 21st birthday; I feared becoming like my father and shunned alot of things for it. Needless to say whatever was inside me broke free for a short time; many hours later I could barely be dragged back to the hotel. I poured alot of reflection inwards and tried to understand everything that was going on. My conclusion at that time was that if I were careful about it drinking could be a useful way to relax and promote creativity. The darker problems however just hovered outside of my attention.
Between this and my new york trip not much happened on this topic. I slowly became more and more aware of it. But to me it was a small problem and I had something more important on my mind. I also started getting some mild headaches and toothaches. I started taking painkillers of different sorts for it.
Almost immediately after my New York trip things went downhill. I started to hallucinate things that were clearly not real; most of which were deeply disturbing. I would have moments of startling clarity followed by bouts of incredible pain. I started to have memory blackouts and had problems controlling my anger. At first I didn't know how to respond. I tried to hide it and distance myself from people. A few saw something was wrong right away. Most however didn't notice anything was wrong until much later. It didn't take long before my anger and violent behavior was plain to see for most everyone to see. It had a serious and adverse effect on my job performance which was clearly noted by my coworkers and bosses. I was sent off away from people to do unplesant jobs in isolation. It was there that I realized I was starting to hurt people around me. This caused me to make the first mistake: isolate myself.
I did isolate myself emotionally and I put my efforts into fixing this problem inside me. It didn't however work out. Instead of being me I felt like more and more I was being pushed into the passenger seat. I would lose control for a few moments and then be myself again. It was depressing and terrifying at the same time. It was bad for awhile, but with time I was able to manage the pain and pushed myself to a point where I felt safe in society. I tried to contact my girlfriend only to discover that my isolation and painful lashing out had caused her to move on. In my eyes this was cheated and it hurt me deeply. Reeling from the pain of this event I made an even more stupid move. There was another girl whom I had deep feelings for. We were friends and I was in a position of trust. It was in the pain of those two cratered relationships that I truly descended into madness.
Days later I had a complete meltdown, In my despair I was ready to give up on world. The evil that hid in the corners of my reality started to assert control. It was in that final terrifying moment that I realized I was becoming this monster. It was with these last few minutes of clarity and control that I attempted to kill myself; I knew the terrible things I would do to those I loved and I couldn't bear to let it happen. One person hadn't given up on me, in those final moments before I lost it she talked me out of killing myself. For it she paid a terrible price as my first victim.
I have been asked what it felt like. Most of the time it was like being alseep and only vaguely aware that you even exist. Sometimes I would kick and scream for air because the darkness was so complete that it felt like it was choking me. Sometimes I aware of the goings on, but it was surreal. Such moments were fleeting and could've easily been a dream. Sometimes I would be called forth violently by a tearful friend only to be choked down again. It was like being sleepy and having no desire to fight. Over time the fracture in my mind started to grow. Varient personalities started to emerge. A bard, a spiritualist, a warrior. Even the evil that beat me down grew fractured and disjointed. The chaos of all those voices only fueled the madness I felt.
The headaches and the pain grew greater and greater over time until no one personality could remain in control for long.
It was the death of my grandfather that caused things to reach a head.
The warrior personality pulled everything together, along with some help from an unexpected source. Aside from some dissent and immense physical pain I was fine. One night on a date I bite into some Chow Mein and a tooth which had rotted on the inside caved in. The pain was staggering and I could barely stand. The next day I had an emergency dentist appointment. 4 of the teeth on my left side had rotted on the inside while the outside was perfectly intact. X-rays showed black infection had filled my sinus canals and was putting immense pressure on my brain. This was the cause of all that suffering. To fix it they would have to pull all the teeth and drain the infection. Despite being on painkillers I tell you that relief from pressure I received that day was the greatest feeling in the world. It beats sex, it beats personal accomplishment, booze, emotional intimacy and even the satisfaction of victory as the best feeling in the world. But like all those things it didn't last long.
The emotional and mental problems didn't disappear over night: but the source did. I quit my job and forced myself into working full time on a cure. To which I was met with modest succcess: I mended the majority of the friendships I lost during that time (and some from before.) and rediscovered my religion. It was however not easy and several times I nearly slipped back down into that yawning pit of despair. Particularly in times of extreme stress or emotional duress. Because of that I have had to restrain myself: my relationships are not deep because I fear another deep emotional wound will cripple me. I no longer train myself with the fervor I once did for fear I could lose control of my body and hurt someone. I have become untrusting of myself and I have become untrusting of others.
Mostly I have fought this alone. Occasionally a friend or two would intervene but most found themselves hopelessly outmatched. As time has gone on I have asserted more and more control and received a clearer view of who I am now. I'm ready to overcome it completely but I find that some parts will not heal. Some wounds are still deep and ooze with emotional puss. I ran away from this evil and didn't face it until it nearly consumed me. This entire time I have chosen the easiest of battles. I have fought against that which I know is evil and wrong while refusing to face my own emotional pains. The very pains that put me here in the first place.
Yes. It has been lonely. But this last and final battle is not mine alone. I did not cut the scars into my soul and my hand alone cannot heal them nor put to rest the conflict in my mind. Even as I take steps to rise above what I was before I know that as long as this festering scar exists I will always be in danger of letting that evil seep into me. Right now this is my only problem. I hold no ambitions as a writer, a gamer, a political junkie or anything else. Nothing else exists.
Everyone that is extra has been deleted from my various contacts lists. Everyone else is unblocked now; anyone who thinks they can help me has one week to say so. At the end of that week I'm going to the one place I can know I can heal properly. People who give me overt religious conversion themed answers will also be ignored. The urgency that keeps me awake at night is that if I don't finish the job it will come back eventually.
Goodnight. Sleep well.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Drilling the Ice.
When researchers are measuring the effects of C02 in the artic they use Ice Cores. Essentially they use a big straw to pull out a section of ice which is then examined. You can see back thousands and thousands of years into the history of our planet by doing this.
This might come as a mild surprise to some but I haven't used my email much in several months. Quite intentionally I let the emails pile up without response. Occasionally I would skim for the people I felt I needed to talk to or an email I expect for various reasons. Since I started playing on Dark Iron my message box has filled with private messages on various forums. All un-read. It was exceptionally rude of me to do this. I felt I had a reason in isolating myself from the world; perhaps it was the right thing to do, perhaps not.
Going back to these emails many of which have never been opened exposes old wounds. My relationships in the past have been painful and my responses to them out of line. If I had taken the time to read each email I imagine things still would've been the same... but my responses could've been more civil. When you remove the pain from your heart you can see far more clearly the pain and discomfort you have caused others. It's a shame I learned this now and not a year ago.
The other striking thing is how pronounced the differences are over time. You can clear see the points that I am emotionally distressed and the points in which I am cold and uncaring. Farther on down the line I can see attempts at looking for answers and reconnecting to old friends. Then alittle further more roadblocks and emotional pitfalls. If I were an observer to my life I image it would be very insightful. It paints a very clear and flowing picture of a changing and unique person. The bumps become smaller and the successes become more pronounced as I read down the line. I'm not done and I imagine responding to every email over the last 3/4 of a year will take some time. Maybe some of them deserve silence. Who knows?
This might come as a mild surprise to some but I haven't used my email much in several months. Quite intentionally I let the emails pile up without response. Occasionally I would skim for the people I felt I needed to talk to or an email I expect for various reasons. Since I started playing on Dark Iron my message box has filled with private messages on various forums. All un-read. It was exceptionally rude of me to do this. I felt I had a reason in isolating myself from the world; perhaps it was the right thing to do, perhaps not.
Going back to these emails many of which have never been opened exposes old wounds. My relationships in the past have been painful and my responses to them out of line. If I had taken the time to read each email I imagine things still would've been the same... but my responses could've been more civil. When you remove the pain from your heart you can see far more clearly the pain and discomfort you have caused others. It's a shame I learned this now and not a year ago.
The other striking thing is how pronounced the differences are over time. You can clear see the points that I am emotionally distressed and the points in which I am cold and uncaring. Farther on down the line I can see attempts at looking for answers and reconnecting to old friends. Then alittle further more roadblocks and emotional pitfalls. If I were an observer to my life I image it would be very insightful. It paints a very clear and flowing picture of a changing and unique person. The bumps become smaller and the successes become more pronounced as I read down the line. I'm not done and I imagine responding to every email over the last 3/4 of a year will take some time. Maybe some of them deserve silence. Who knows?
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