Untitled.

I've spent quite a bit of time talking about my past and present. Most recently about my inability to muster any real anger. Some of the people I talked about were angry and that anger was justified. They are part of my life and regardless of what they think I have every right to share my feelings. However I am choosing to waive that right and I will not publish names or details of other people I know without permission from now on. (Unless I don't like you, then grease up because I'm coming for you.)

If I've talked about this before I am deeply sorry. But this topic has to be disscussed before I complete my thoughts for this entry. One of my primary fears is of failure and it's no secret. I've long been torn by the part of me that is daring and outgoing and the part that is careful and shy. Failure is one of the worsr feelings in the world... disappointment... shame... etc. You feel them all when you fail and more importantly you are denied those basic human desires for acknowledgement and accomplishment. I have always been afraid of failure and therefore I have been unwilling to try... if I do not try then I cannot fail.

One of the upsides to a period of reflection and personal growth is problems like these get some attention. Slowly I am unearthing that sense of self that I lost. I am digging up that pride and honor that were buried and tarnished. I think of all things a sense of who I am is more important then anything else. The word I have used before is a "sense of my own destiny" which I am certain I stole from somewhere. But alas since I cannot remember I cannot attribute. I know what I want and what I have to do... slowly I am becoming a person of actions and not merely of thoughts. I have changed the very basis of my weaknesses and shortcomings and turn them into strengths. Fear of failure? Determination not to fail.

My destiny is not one of blood or violence. Nor is it a path of peace. But my path is in the hearts of those who read my words. Every person who reads my words will know my feelings and find in themselves their own destiny. My struggle is not unique... all people struggle and changing the situation doesn't change the determination they all feel. I struggle with illness... there are others more ill then I. I struggle with loss? Others have lost more. If the only thing I am remembered for is putting words to that determination... that struggle then I count my life as well spent.

But that won't be all. I have too much to accomplish. Overcoming is not the end. It is the beginning. I will use my words to reach the hearts of people and do good. Every heart I reach out to feels like mine, feels heartbreak, rejection, loss, determination, joy, sadness and hope. They are not alone and neither am I.

Good Night everyone.