An open book

One of the things I love about writing fiction is how impersonal I can be. It's essentially making things up and getting paid for it. I often find however that writing about myself, ideas or experiences I am filled with a sense of dread or loathing. Part of me has always been paranoid about opening up to people, a paranoia that has been enforced by a lifetime of verbal abuse and neglect.

At one point in my life I decided that I didn't like keeping everything inside, internalizing my pain didn't make it feel any better and it was hardly protection from someone who actually did want to hurt me. So I decided I would be an open book. I wouldn't hide or lie about myself or my beliefs. For a long time I felt better about myself for being honest and open. Although I do admit on occasion to violate my own policy, but mostly my life is/was an open book.

The troubles it has gotten me into are sometimes funny, and other times very very depressing.
I have missed so many opportunities in my life because I was unwilling to lie or compromise my personal ethics. It's particularly funny in regards to relationships. One time I fell in love with two girls. At the time I didn't know which I liked more and when they asked me that's what I told them. It hurt both of them and it blew up in my face.

Being an open book and having a code of ethics does not make me a fool however. In battle, competition and any other contest of wills a lie is a tactical move. It costs you honor and respect but if you have extra to spare then go for it. My rivals and enemies are more then willing to lie, I should be prepared to do the same.

After some of the things that have happened to me it's difficult to remain an open book. If I told some people how I felt it would destroy them, and they may even deserve it. But I don't want to be that kind of person. It is an uneasy balance between being open and not unleashing a flood of anger and assorted negative feelings. I have to accept that a lot of people abandoned me when things didn't look good, But I learned from it who I can really trust in the long run.
It's difficult to get closure with people when you cannot speak to them anymore. A catch-22 that the most dangerous hurtful elements in life must be faced head on. If you do not face them head on they fester inside you forever like a disease.

I say these things because there were moments I was weak.

I forgot about my honor, I forgot about the condition of my soul and sank into an emo-filled pit of apathy. A lack of honesty about my condition and feelings drove me into it too. If I had told people something was wrong I may have been able to avert it, or at least prepare them for it when it came. I was ashamed and I concealed it. It wasn't until I stood on the brink between life and death that I was able to admit to anyone... especially myself that I did not have control.

Someday I will be able to talk about the things that happened, and the things that I felt... and still feel. But for the moment it's too dangerous, a special exemption to the open-book policy in my life. There are some people I can talk to, very special trusted people in the meantime. And someday I will be able to write about it here.

I have to air these things. To show my shame and weakness because I don't want them to be my shame and weakness forever. I'm starting to awaken, not just to who I was but to who I should be.

New Beginnings.

Each ending is in itself a new beginning. Everything in the universe acts according to it's nature without contention. Humans are unique in that they resist what is natural. A man wraps himself in the guise of civilization and acts against what should be. Just like the seasons a man's life cycles in obeyance to natural law; I have rejected the winter and now I walk into the spring that is so symbolic of things anew. Stubborn men fight against the seasons, they fight against nature. But a man who is truly wise sees the plans of nature and works with them. I will never be finished with my struggle and even if I were offered an end I would not accept it. I am this way for a reason and I intend to follow it to it's end.

Too long I have hide myself from others, My isolation numbed the pain I suffered. But the blade had two edges. Where is my joy? I cannot heal until I accept that it is important to trust again. There are some I can never trust, and some I can only trust a certain way. But that is natural and I do not contend with it. The balm of my soul is friendship and companionship. Too long I have tried to be heroic and deal with my problems alone. Does this mean I lay my problems before another and walk away? Of course not but the strength of a friend bolsters the soul, the company of rival or friend lifts the spirit and sharpens the mind. In this I ask and offer all who read to hear me and extend their hands. Some have grown to hold contempt of me and that contempt is well earned. others have grown distrustful of deception or fear the darker side I sought so hard to control. If you deny me you rob us both of opportunity.

What good is a life that cannot be shared? Eating a meal alone is certainly efficent but you lose the merriment of friends and family. Traveling alone is almost always faster but you miss the insights of your companions. Even a rival of different temperment is a good companion and helps us challenge our misconceptions. I will say no more about this. You know who you are and if you are even reading this your choice will not be swayed by words of mine.

I now support myself off my words and ideas. I have been told that I have a natural affinity for words and in that there may be some truth. But it is not a skill for wordplay or a studied hand that makes me a writer. I write from my heart, sometimes my heart is heavy and my words to match. Other times they soar to the heavens and their call echos to the depths of the soul. Sometimes my words are foolish and silly or fraught with errior, I am bound to make mistakes as I learn.I want to succeed and to do that I need to pull myself back together. A heart can be mended with kind words and empathy, a broken body can be nursed with compassion, a heavy soul given release. I asked and still ask for the help of any who can spare it, If you can spare love, affection, friendship or companionship then I would appreciate it.

Long Over Due

Of the past months I can only say that after walking through hell the thought of heaven seems all the better. That’s a metaphor of course. My health has been shattered, my weight hovers around double digits and the pain keeps disrupting my thoughts. People I loved have carelessly smashed my heart and even my faith has been uprooted. I was forced to quit my job and live in isolation.

While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.

I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.

I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.

I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.

I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.

I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.

I am lazy. Nuff said.

I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.

I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.

In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.

Lonely Around People

Have you ever be betrayed by someone you love? Hurt so deeply that it festers in the depths of your soul? No pain can compare to that; even the free flow of blood and tears. In a room of people I feel alone now; my closest friend is like my worst enemy.

When I feel this way I can't do anything. My writing is weak, concentration scattered and heart heavy. Do I give up and spiral into despair or fight for a chance of redemption? Alone a man has no power, but give him love and friendship and he can accomplish anything. That’s what I used to think anyway. I don't want to love or trust anyone again so I must have no power.