Allegory or hallucination?

There is a spiritual place where a mind goes after a terrible storm.

I went there today, After the storm battered my spirit and wore my emotions raw.

I thought that honesty and tenacity could overcome anything. But I should've known the storm would wear away at my resolve. At moments I clung hopeless as I was battered. Sometimes I lashed out with anger at terrible and uncontrollable events that lead me here. Anger, resolve, love, honesty even faith did not matter. The storm was impossible to fathom and it was impossible to survive. Those who think they can control a storm are beyond naive. You have no power outside your own.

The storm tore away my resolve until I clung with little more then a feeble dream. It dashed me against the rocks again and again. Thunder. Lightning. Waves. Unbearable cold.
It ate away at me until I finally released and slid into quiet but not complete defeat.
My spirit was damp but not destroyed. It did not burn away my soul like it did my desire. But uncovered a new strength. The passion left my body but did not leave my soul.



There are some situations in which you cannot win, no matter how well you fight or play. No matter how honest or pure your intentions. There are times that you will fail through no fault of your own. It is quite honestly the worst feeling in the world. Worse then debilitating mental illness, worse then spiritual emptiness, worse then the agony of a dying body and certainly worse then the loss of unrequitted love. It is doing your best and still failing and of all the things I mentioned it is the one that burdens me most.

In that spiritual place I fell into a deep contemplation. Where was god in this? Did he watch me from afar? Did he cheer me on? Did he await with sadness the eventual sadness I would face in defeat? No god was with me; he stood beside me in a way only he could. Only he could know the power and purity of my thoughts and intentions yet I didn't want him there before. I didn't want the tao. The infinite source of good wasn't with me. But they were with me now, when my spirit was all the remained of me; When my emotions were so drained and raw that I only felt the numbness of a frail and hurting body pushed beyond it's breaking point.

God was here with me. The Tao. Whatever you call it. I did not feel the sting of the failure. or the burning of my overworked body. I felt the peace of one who has given his all and can go on no longer. I have faced enemies in martial arts, I have faced enemies in competitive gaming and I have faced enemies on fields not seen or known to the average mind and eye. Never have I fight to the point where I could fight no longer, always I turn back before the final blow, I spare myself the coup de tat so that I can fight another day and preserve my dignity and honor.

I did not these past few days. Now in the pain of failure I feel the arms of something greater trying to push me back up. Lifting me because I no longer have the strength to carry myself.
There has to be a word for something this wonderful. Yes. It is love. It is faith.

It is not in my nature to give up until defeat is certain. It is something that I know and feel is right and I will persue it until my defeat is complete or I reach a measure of success and put to rest my own feelings. Tonight something beyond me watches out for me, I am in the womb, the cradle, the arms of eternity. I can think of no more comforting thing to someone who risked everything and lost. I will be renewed, I will get back up and I will finish what I started.

I am however in no condition to do anything. Now I rest.

May whatever god you follow cast his blessings on you.

Long Over Due

Of the past months I can only say that after walking through hell the thought of heaven seems all the better. That’s a metaphor of course. My health has been shattered, my weight hovers around double digits and the pain keeps disrupting my thoughts. People I loved have carelessly smashed my heart and even my faith has been uprooted. I was forced to quit my job and live in isolation.

While I was afflicted I did terrible things to people, I am largely responsible for what has happened to me. No matter how hard I fought things got worse and worse. Now I know that it was impossible to win, the game was rigged from the start. My whole life I have challenged my beliefs, I have challenged everything inside of me looking for the right answers. The isolation of the past few months has given me new purpose and allowed me to look inside once more. Here is what I know.

I am human. My pride is heavy and keeps me firmly anchored unable to move forward. When I am drowning it causes me to sink. For this reason I discard excessive pride. Pride is when used properly a noble thing and I will not shirk from pride well earned, nor will I let my pride destroy me again.

I am deceitful, A lie is always a lie for whatever reason. There are times when I have lied to further my own ends, and times I have lied to protect others. I should not need deception in my life because it only widens the gap between others and myself. For this reason I discard excessive deception and all lies that further my own ends. This may not always be possible but I endeavor to do so anyway.

I am selfish. Base instinct is survival and I have aspired to more then survival. Beyond simple accomplishment is the man who seeks acclaim and treasure at the cost of others. I have in my own lust or attraction not been mindful of the feelings of others and been hurt for it. At different times I have giving freely of myself just for the joy of helping others. Neither should be excessive. For this reason I discard the desire to be selfish. I keep self-determination and the will to improve and strive.

I am angry. Too much in my life has been dark and painful. I cannot bury it in a hole any longer. And yet to wallow in it would accomplish nothing. Without the fire of pain and anguish I would not be tempered as I am today. Anger serves a purpose and when that purpose has passed it is no longer wise to hold onto it. I discard anger that seethes in my heart and destroys my future.

I am manipulative. When so much is torn from you your heart seeks to hold onto it. There are times I have used the feelings of another for my own ends. Bending the will of another with force or subversion is wrong regardless of the reasons. A heart can be changed with honesty and love. An argument can be won with valid points. I no longer need to subvert with my words and actions. For this reason I discard the dark of my heart that seeks to subjugate others.

I am lazy. Nuff said.

I am hopeful. I have never been a slave to despair. No matter how terrible the situation or dire the challenge I am always hopeful until the last. Hope for me is a buoy that works in the most turbulent of oceans. I maintain hope regardless of what happens.

I am spiritual. I have forever challenged my beliefs and right now is no different. But I have always felt the world of the spiritual could never be denied. I always seek to improve, strive and overcome my flaws and be closer to the eternal Tao. The Tao is perfect and knows that I am not; yet it is accepting of my love and me. In one sense Tao is life and love that fills the entire universe. It does not contrive or seek recognition but merely be what it is. A lesson we can all benefit from. I hold on to the love of life the Tao represents until I return to it.

In faith I have never been unyielding, I have challenged over and over. For my challenge I have been beaten, teased, threatened, homeless and hurt. These things have caused me to have negative perceptions that were not always fair. Of the Tao I am certain. I can sense it in every heartbeat, raindrop and beam of light. There is most certainly a god, and a goddess too. This is a universe full of more then we can see or understand. Not being aware of the fullness of the universe is no excuse to deny god, If you want to deny god then you deny the possibility of your own eventual divinity; if we are made with the spark of the divine then we are certainly meant as heirs to it. We are the eventual creators and we should watch careful the work of god and see what we would do when our turn comes.

The Dark and Mysterious

The Dark and Mysterious... as a writer I cannot help but feel inspired by the deepest voice in my heart. It has no name but when it speaks I cannot resist. Does it matter what I write about? Sometimes.Does it matter what other pain lurks in my heart? No.It simply is, even as a child I was fascinated by ideas and words. To me the act and process of writing is nearly mystical and deeply spiritual. Called forth like an invisible avatar I seek only to take letters and words and form them into something deeper and more meaningful.

But in the end... it's just letters right?