A different kind of Crusade.

Today the burning crusade expansion came out for World of Warcraft. Like many others I arrived at the pre-order line just before midnight.

In all truth I haven't had the same affection for video games lately as I have in the past.
It's not that I don't find them fun, but when my hands were recovering I played very badly at the games I did play. I played less and less until an incident with my guild forced me out completely. All of these events are my fault and I'm not trying to force blame on others.

I don't think I've reached the levels I once had, years back before my accident. But I feel more confidant now in my reflexes and more importantly in the speed of my tactical reasoning. Anyone can learn to react quickly, but a true measure of skill is to reason quickly.
So here I am learning to play all over again in the outlands with a new crew and new computer.
I found in certain moments my skill had improved drastically from before, I aligned my shots for better effect and kept track of my allies movements to give them cover. But then the basic stupid mistakes crop up over and over again. But my hands still can't keep up with the speed of my mind.

In my view there are only three reasons to play a game. The first and most important is to have fun, the second reason is to teach or learn and the third is to prove something to yourself or others. In an ideal setting I try for all three at once; but far more often I only catch two at a time. World of Warcraft for example doesn't teach me anything, but it is fun and has a strong social element.

The slowness of my reflexes shouldn't bother me... but it does. I have a desire to do my best at everything. I know I'm sloppy with my spelling and grammer in this blog. But I take the rest of my writing very seriously. Being able to respond against an orc hunter has no practical value in the real world whatsoever and yet so many people play every day honing their skills to pit against others. It's really no different then days long past. Humans have a desire to compete with each other and to assert control. I have been profiled different times in this regard and have had different results each time.

Almost everytime I test or gauge my psyche in this region it comes back skewed. This particular thing is interesting enough to mention here. Essentially the test comes back one of two ways. I am a quintessential alpha male or I am a "diplomat" or a dealmaker.
In social situations the alpha male is outgoing, charismatic, aggressive (most use the word forceful) and self-concerned (I use that word instead of self-centered... which appears negative.). If a social group has any unattached females the Alpha Male tends to snatch up whichever he prefers before the others. I know it sounds like I am talking about wolves. But in truth humans are still slaves to their base instinicts. Alpha Males have a specific trait they focus on and lord over others. Sometimes its physical strength or mental. Sometimes it's money or class or connections. Rarely is an alpha male tyrannical and often they are seen with a false or exaggerated sense of modesty.

The other I test for often is the dealmaker or the diplomat. The Diplomat makes few enemies (Often selecting enemies intentionally as pretense for an alliance with someone.) and tries to win people over with his or her words. The smart diplomat is rarely all words and no action however; a skillfull show of force adds weight to later negotiations. The Diplomat brokers peace between all of his friends and shows the utmost respect to his enemies. Attacking him makes you appear to be overly aggresive and generally a bad person; this causes allies to flock to the diplomat. He accomplishes with goodwill and skilled communication what others cannot.

Here I am: An aggressive Diplomat. Certainly we have seen many in this world. Bismarck, Tallyrand, Kissinger and others I can't recall offhand. Some have been too aggresive and gotten themselves into trouble. Others have controlled the urge to... well control to the point they can do good. It's interested to note that a desire to control itself isn't evil. I want to do good but my methods for bringing good are more ruthless then some people can handle.

Now for the two topics to make sense together.

I play games because I have something to prove to myself, I get a sense of accomplishment for every enemy I kill and every item I pick up. It's an arena and outlet for my skills that is acceptable by society. For a child that was starved of positive attention it's an outpouring of self esteem. I was always one of the best card players, video game players, chess players and roleplayers. I did it to fill in myself a hole that in truth could never really be filled.
Now however I've plugged that hole, I no longer have the burning desire I once had. I feel the urge on occasion but my exile from video games seems to have weened me off it.

Yes. My psychological makeup is still the same as it was before. I still have a desire to control others and a desire to make people whole. A desire to make people happy and to motivate them to new heights. Control sounds harsh but good leadership is a form of control. It doesn't apply only to the control of a persons entire will... but to the control and subjegation of specific and undesirable aspects. In other words a leader suppresses things that hurt a group and brings out the beneficial and effective. A true leader does anyway.

I am a good leader when I want to be, but honestly I find myself better as a Lt or advisor. I don't want the responsbility of the entire organization on my head. But I do want as much power as possible to ensure that it succeeds. The head of an organization receives too much attention for his full potential to come out anyway. A good leader however doesn't hesitate or second guess himself... which I tend to do. Also a truly effective leader doesn't have a bias or hold grudges which I also tend to do. For those reasons and more I am happy to be a leader on the small scale. I am happy looking for accomplishment in the world and within a world that is fantasy. For all the misgivings I have about it: I can still do more in a world of fantasy then in a real one. My reflexes are slowly returning and someday I hope that my hands match the speed of my mind. In the meantime I'm off to finish some writing before bed. Torrow I will BC until my eyes bleed or I get bored and read.