Head Trama

Falling on your head really hurts. No really.

Temporary memory loss is extremely awkward. No really.

When someone asks you what your name is and you can't remember AND your stone-cold sober something is wrong.

Yes. I have the worst headache ever. So people don't ask me a million times it was a towel someone left on the stairs. I slipped when I was running upstairs for more office space.

While recovering I had some time to think about various things. Being injured creates a desire to be pampered and loved. It's a keen vulnerability in me already; compounded I'm not entirely sure what to say. But when it boils down to it; my most basic desire to be cared for and to be safe. This flies against my desires to be free and passionate. In essence my heart wants to be bound down and to be cared for while being free to express myself. Like all internal conflicts it rages back and forth one taking hold for a time before another takes it's place. Only now I feel the desire to be loved and protected more strongly. It could easily be age that causes this; or my recent trama to the head. Whichever the cause it dampens my desire to take risk and take chances. Call it a nesting desire or a desire to "settle down". Maybe it will pass and my usually flair for freedom and isolation will gain ascendance.

I honesty think there is no more important choice in this world then a choice of mate. You are who you marry (or date). The personality, skills and tastes of your mate rub off on you over time. Like some kind of derranged stockholm syndrome your sympathy for your mate grows over time. In a relationship where one member suffers from mental disorders the other is more then twice as likely to suffer from a mental disorder then he/she would be otherwise. One of the more interesting traits within inter relationships studies is that often one partner is "stronger" or more dominant then the other more "passive". Generally the alpha members values, beliefs and ideals are accepted as "truths" and the passives beliefs (compatible or otherwise) are devalued or supressed. There is no harm in this, and the advantages to a uniform belief system are too numerous to count here. But it gives me a moment of pause.

If I were to marry someone of a different religion then me would I convert her? Could I condone such a thing? Would it perhaps be better to find someone who also shared strong beliefs and a strong willpower. Then instead of one being dominate it would be closer to my ideal love. A partnership.

You see a partner is different then you. As strong or stronger. Enough shared values to be close but different enough to keep a spark of conflict. Conflict is more productive and useful then it appears. It keeps the lines of communication open (if your smart about it), promotes more flexible and diverse thinking, spices up romance and allows the couple to reach conclusions a single person (No matter how wise) could reach on his own. A lover is your best friend and worst enemy. A wall to bounce ideas off, The scabbard to your naked blade... to hold you back when your about to go too far. Or to protect you when you've fallen or failed. An ideal lover does not worry about what divides you but rather the threads of love and fate that bring you together. In all people and for all eternity there will be differences: Religion, idealology, political affiliation, class and race. People will forever seek reasons to fight and not to love and cherish each other.

An ideal lover puts you before her. She would gladly sacrifice her life for you. And she knows you feel the same about her. A heart that is filled with fear cannot be filled with love. The love is displaced until the fear dispelled. There is no breach of trust between ideal lovers. The rules are unspoken and clearly established. There is no flirting with the line, to flaunt it is to break the most sacred of unspoken laws. That is truly what an ideal relationship is about. The unspoken.

To those who can feel others the breach of trust is double-edged. You feel your own pain at the betryal and you feel the pain of your betrayer. Of the one you loved. Be that covanent spoken or unspoken. When you love someone it creates a bond that words cannot explain or express. To break it is to lose a tranquility and a peace that can never be restored. When you are betrayed and your lover crosses that unspoken line there is no recourse in logic, no words that make sense. It is what it is and it cannot be undone. The scars it causes are consigned forever to live just under the surface.

To say then that trust is essential is an understatement. Trust is everything. If you cannot put your back to your lovers without doubt then she is not for you. It can be said that true love is eternal, it transcends the mortal shell of a body and it reaches to a world beyond the sight of men. In such a place there isn't just love, but there is only love.

Some people love the idea of love. To idea of being cared for. Some people are enarmored of the concept of eternal and undying lust. After all lust is not a bad thing. Lust is a fire that consumes the soul and burns away pain and sadness. Lust can break apathy or thaw a frigid and chilled heart. Yet for all that lust is not love. The two can exist at once but one does not equate to the other. You can love someone to the depths of your being and have no sexual or romantic desire whatsoever. And yet when you have both at once, when your bodies, souls and minds are locked together not just as lovers of the body... but lovers of the soul... that is an ideal lover. To love on every level that a person is capable of... a body... a soul and a mind. Do I still yearn to be free? Yes I would be lying if I said I didn't. But far greater then that I wish to commit myself in my entirety to one soul, one body and one mind.

But hell I fell down a flight of stairs two days ago. Who am I to know?