The Lonely Battlefield

This is a blogpost I have long dreaded. Had I known the circumstances that I am involved in now I would've done this a long time ago. I have long believed in keeping my life an open book, I keep no secrets; my openness is the perfect defense. People have no interest in uncovering things left in the open; as a consquence only a handful of people (outside those who do not know) have asked about the events of over a year ago that lead to my brief state of mental illness.

To make this complicated I'm not going to use any names, or cite specific events. Also the order could be slightly off as my memory of some things is second hand or extremely hazy.

The sequence of events is coming to me slowly. But the first event I remember clearly is one I have told no one about. I was at work at the hospital and occasionally I would be moved from parking services to actual security work. Generally this involved me being stern to sick and elderly people... something not entirely in my nature. But I remember very clearly a moment of glee during this work that otherwise disturbed me to do. It was the the first sign of a growing problem.

You see I've been branded something of an anti-hero by people who know me. I am willing to do good but more then willing to play dirty or bend rules to accomplish it. When I worked I put on a facade of happiness, but in my personal life I was anything but happy. A handful of things made me happy and as time went on I started getting darker and darker. Some of my beliefs degraded into superstition and others were cut down more then that. It happened so slowly that I didn't notice it. My facade was there but inside me something was eating away at my soul.
My first true awareness came during my trip to Vegas. I spent alot of time thinking on the trip (Not much else to do) and an even greater amount talking. I gained an awareness that something inside me was in dissent.

During that trip I slept very little except for one night, it was in fact the first night I had ever drank heavy in my life. We hit several clubs and bars that night. Up until this point I had only had sake on my 21st birthday; I feared becoming like my father and shunned alot of things for it. Needless to say whatever was inside me broke free for a short time; many hours later I could barely be dragged back to the hotel. I poured alot of reflection inwards and tried to understand everything that was going on. My conclusion at that time was that if I were careful about it drinking could be a useful way to relax and promote creativity. The darker problems however just hovered outside of my attention.

Between this and my new york trip not much happened on this topic. I slowly became more and more aware of it. But to me it was a small problem and I had something more important on my mind. I also started getting some mild headaches and toothaches. I started taking painkillers of different sorts for it.

Almost immediately after my New York trip things went downhill. I started to hallucinate things that were clearly not real; most of which were deeply disturbing. I would have moments of startling clarity followed by bouts of incredible pain. I started to have memory blackouts and had problems controlling my anger. At first I didn't know how to respond. I tried to hide it and distance myself from people. A few saw something was wrong right away. Most however didn't notice anything was wrong until much later. It didn't take long before my anger and violent behavior was plain to see for most everyone to see. It had a serious and adverse effect on my job performance which was clearly noted by my coworkers and bosses. I was sent off away from people to do unplesant jobs in isolation. It was there that I realized I was starting to hurt people around me. This caused me to make the first mistake: isolate myself.

I did isolate myself emotionally and I put my efforts into fixing this problem inside me. It didn't however work out. Instead of being me I felt like more and more I was being pushed into the passenger seat. I would lose control for a few moments and then be myself again. It was depressing and terrifying at the same time. It was bad for awhile, but with time I was able to manage the pain and pushed myself to a point where I felt safe in society. I tried to contact my girlfriend only to discover that my isolation and painful lashing out had caused her to move on. In my eyes this was cheated and it hurt me deeply. Reeling from the pain of this event I made an even more stupid move. There was another girl whom I had deep feelings for. We were friends and I was in a position of trust. It was in the pain of those two cratered relationships that I truly descended into madness.

Days later I had a complete meltdown, In my despair I was ready to give up on world. The evil that hid in the corners of my reality started to assert control. It was in that final terrifying moment that I realized I was becoming this monster. It was with these last few minutes of clarity and control that I attempted to kill myself; I knew the terrible things I would do to those I loved and I couldn't bear to let it happen. One person hadn't given up on me, in those final moments before I lost it she talked me out of killing myself. For it she paid a terrible price as my first victim.

I have been asked what it felt like. Most of the time it was like being alseep and only vaguely aware that you even exist. Sometimes I would kick and scream for air because the darkness was so complete that it felt like it was choking me. Sometimes I aware of the goings on, but it was surreal. Such moments were fleeting and could've easily been a dream. Sometimes I would be called forth violently by a tearful friend only to be choked down again. It was like being sleepy and having no desire to fight. Over time the fracture in my mind started to grow. Varient personalities started to emerge. A bard, a spiritualist, a warrior. Even the evil that beat me down grew fractured and disjointed. The chaos of all those voices only fueled the madness I felt.
The headaches and the pain grew greater and greater over time until no one personality could remain in control for long.

It was the death of my grandfather that caused things to reach a head.
The warrior personality pulled everything together, along with some help from an unexpected source. Aside from some dissent and immense physical pain I was fine. One night on a date I bite into some Chow Mein and a tooth which had rotted on the inside caved in. The pain was staggering and I could barely stand. The next day I had an emergency dentist appointment. 4 of the teeth on my left side had rotted on the inside while the outside was perfectly intact. X-rays showed black infection had filled my sinus canals and was putting immense pressure on my brain. This was the cause of all that suffering. To fix it they would have to pull all the teeth and drain the infection. Despite being on painkillers I tell you that relief from pressure I received that day was the greatest feeling in the world. It beats sex, it beats personal accomplishment, booze, emotional intimacy and even the satisfaction of victory as the best feeling in the world. But like all those things it didn't last long.

The emotional and mental problems didn't disappear over night: but the source did. I quit my job and forced myself into working full time on a cure. To which I was met with modest succcess: I mended the majority of the friendships I lost during that time (and some from before.) and rediscovered my religion. It was however not easy and several times I nearly slipped back down into that yawning pit of despair. Particularly in times of extreme stress or emotional duress. Because of that I have had to restrain myself: my relationships are not deep because I fear another deep emotional wound will cripple me. I no longer train myself with the fervor I once did for fear I could lose control of my body and hurt someone. I have become untrusting of myself and I have become untrusting of others.

Mostly I have fought this alone. Occasionally a friend or two would intervene but most found themselves hopelessly outmatched. As time has gone on I have asserted more and more control and received a clearer view of who I am now. I'm ready to overcome it completely but I find that some parts will not heal. Some wounds are still deep and ooze with emotional puss. I ran away from this evil and didn't face it until it nearly consumed me. This entire time I have chosen the easiest of battles. I have fought against that which I know is evil and wrong while refusing to face my own emotional pains. The very pains that put me here in the first place.

Yes. It has been lonely. But this last and final battle is not mine alone. I did not cut the scars into my soul and my hand alone cannot heal them nor put to rest the conflict in my mind. Even as I take steps to rise above what I was before I know that as long as this festering scar exists I will always be in danger of letting that evil seep into me. Right now this is my only problem. I hold no ambitions as a writer, a gamer, a political junkie or anything else. Nothing else exists.
Everyone that is extra has been deleted from my various contacts lists. Everyone else is unblocked now; anyone who thinks they can help me has one week to say so. At the end of that week I'm going to the one place I can know I can heal properly. People who give me overt religious conversion themed answers will also be ignored. The urgency that keeps me awake at night is that if I don't finish the job it will come back eventually.

Goodnight. Sleep well.