Raging River: Part Two

I can vary my attention between the outward and inward. Looking inside for challenges to overcome and then looking to the world for the same. I've spoken in the past about my the problems internal and external that I have conquered or attempted. I promised an expanation of my dream, vision and it's place in this crossroads.

I have long held a specific ideal of what I wanted to accomplish with my life. When I was young my only hobby was to design games. Games of such complexity that adults had a difficult time grasping the rules and concepts of it. Having no prior knowledge of the subject: I designed my own roleplaying games, board games, card games, sports and even word games. I was incredibly adept at it. But... I didn't have the social skills to get anyone to play the games. My response to this was to make the games more interesting. So I make backstory for my games. Lots and lots of backstory... well people took an interest in the stories but not the games.

That event has long sat in the back of my mind, it's certainly one of the most important in my life. I became a writer because people liked it. Yet I love games. I love designing them. I love playing them. I love reading about them and taking them apart and learning about them. Part of me always wants to be a game designer. Writer, Game designer, poltical activist and martial artist. Alot for one person to do with his life. Which is where the next part of this discussion comes in.

The Tao!
It's been described as dark and mysterious but in truth I don't know anything that is more clear. The Tao is the source of all life. Period.
Does the tao want us to worship it? Nope. Does it demand sacrifices of young woman and craven images? Nope. Does it want me to convert all the non-believers into my way of thinking? No it doesn't. It only wanted to create and nourish us. After that it is our will and determination that guides our path. To follow the Tao you follow your own heart and observe the laws of nature. You curb excesses and treat others with respect. You confound expecations by acting with spontanaity. In essence: you live.

You could call me a follower of the tao. But that would incorrect. The tao does not lead. My whole life it has been within my heart and when I listen it guides me. Early in my life certain things drove me. Certain pieces of literature or lines of thought. But the piece that made it all click together arrived in the form a book. It was called "Scholar Warrior" and it took all the feelings of my heart and gave them words. It created understanding where before there was confusion. I had read the bible and never found the kind of comfort I found in this book. The bible is harsh and filled with dark absolutes. It's very essence is to frighten people into belief. The vast majority of people who believe in god do so for fear of punishment. I'm not kidding.
Second place is family pressure. Third is a desire for community. Closely behind 3rd is actual belief. The bible isn't very comforting and it's not meant to be. It's purpose is to scare people in belief. When you remember the parts of the bible that are designed to scare people there isn't alot left. Lots of sex and war actually: if it were written better it might be a good read.

I didn't become a taoist out of fear of a terrible afterlife. I didn't become one out of pressure from my family and I've never even met another taoist face to face so I know it's not for the community. I did it because I felt it. The Scholar-Warrior book had one re-occuring theme in: and that is a well planned and experienced life. The scholar-warrior eptimoizes that.

"A Scholar thinks, but does not act. A Warrior acts, but does not think. A Scholar Warrior thinks, then acts"

I'm not sure where that quote came from. It's been sitting around my head and my files for a long time. Such versatility is vital for success in the world. We are becoming lazy and over specialized: But that is a topic for another time. Long story short I need a great variety of skills.
I can be a game designer and a writer. I can study theatre, psychology and martial arts and use those in my writing and game design. I should endever to embrace variety and complexity and not be afraid of it.

Lots of things have held me back from these ideals. Fear, ignorance, physical contraints, emotional issues and even a lack of desire. An overwhelming apathy if you will. The desire to improve yourself and the world is useless without the will to execute it. I can study and study but without the genuine desire to improve the study is wasted.

So here it is. The proclamation. Water covers all things, it consumes the high places and the low. It's speed and strength are unmatched. It doesn't plan or plot: it just does what it should.
And so shall I. The times are moving too fast for me to complete my voyage of self discovery. If opportunity passes thats it. I won't get another. Time to think... and to act.

What my dream was telling me is I should not hold back: I should not hold back my heart even if I fear pain. I should not hold back my mind even if I fear failure. I have people I can rely on; and they can rely on me. There is a shadow... but there is also light. I am besieged by death and yet filled with life. I feel pain and I feel love. Nothing should linger in my heart for too long. Be it love, pain, anger, regret, remorse, happiness or apathy. Holding onto one denies the others. Each is important and healthy.

It takes some time to change. Thats my way of saying I'll be disappearing till this is done. a few days I think.