Meltdown and importance of cool.

I'm been thinking, writing, thinking about writing or thinking about thinking all day.
I could write about thinking but it might cause the universe to collapse.

I suffer from the typical writers dilemma. When I want to write the ideas don't come easily. I fight for every one. When I'm eating, playing a game or taking a shower those ideas pour like niagra and excite more then viagra. (I'm going to hell for that, but I couldn't resist.)
I settle in to finish the real heavy work of my sourcebook project and chat with people via AIM and MSN. What happened however is a meltdown.

Someone got mad at me for reasons I don't yet understand. I was myself upset over her behavior but said nothing inflammatory. Then I got yelled at and blocked.
I log onto my unused and almost forgotten AIM and try to find out what happened. Then suddenly my computer resets itself. I check the inside and it's burning hot all over. Thankfully the CPU fan still works. But all the other fans did not.
After a few hasty rewirings and replacements of older fans. (am I the only person who keeps extra fans in a box?) I'm back in bussiness. Only blocked on both accounts now.

Here I sit with a looming personal deadline and no desire to write. Instead I have guilt, remorse and a touch of loneliness to keep me occupied. So instead of productive writing I'm sitting her taping away at my blog which has a very mininal impact on both my career and society.
So since I'm here I should articulate something I was thinking and talking about earlier today.

When I was studying psychology I came across a sub-catagory called Kinesics.
Alot of people have heard about the ability to read body language. Yet what isn't understood is that everybody has the ability to read body language. It's mostly sub-conscious but most of us have it. Studying it was very interesting and gave me new insights into human behavior.
It was taken a step further when I learned martial arts. In a fight or match sheer reaction to your enemies movements isn't enough, great fighters have the ability to predict.
I'm less skilled with this specific aspect of Kinesics but I do have some ability. This is where feints and mind reading techniques become even more important. Those are sadly above my level of unarmed fighting.

The final layer isn't a science at all, reading the body and the mind are easy. What took the most work and has proven to be the most valuable is the ability to read a spirit or a soul.
I've been told by people who practice wicca that I have an old soul and a strong spiritual power, I have been warned by christian mystics (oddly enough they exist) that evil forces covet my soul and I've had people who consider themselves "free mystics" or "spiritually attuned" tell me that I have an awesome gift. Now I don't subscribe to every belief under the sun. I don't pretend to have a unique insight into the divine... but I have in my life had things happen that have validated all the above statements.

Once when I was in highschool I was working out in track (Hurdles I think) and like many young men I watched the girls running with the cross country team. One girl stood out to me. I didn't know her and we had no mutual friends. She wasn't the most attractive, or athletic or smartest girl there but I felt a strange attraction to her. Later during the fundraiser I got the nerve to talk to her and we started to date. The attraction I had to her couldn't be explained with words. It was as though the beauty of her soul shined past the body and pulled me in. Nobody else noticed or acknowledged this. Some of my friends teased me for dating such a comely young woman.

Needless to say it's not a precise skill, I'm not sure if it can be taught or learned. It's a sense that I possess of things that are spiritual. I can sense a haunted house when I walk past it. or the pressence of an evil spirit. I've pushed my efforts into learning to read the content of a persons soul as I said earlier; It's not a detailed report but a feeling. I've used my head or heart and been wrong a thousand times, but this sense has never been wrong or lead me astray. (What a shame it's practical value is limited eh?) I once told a friend of mine who is catholic that god gave every person the ability to see evil, most of us unlearn it so we don't have to see the evil within us.
That may or may not be true, but I thought it insightful at the time. We choose not to see evil because it absolves us of the responsibility of facing it. That I can sense evil and good could simply be a byproduct of my intense internal nature. I admit to my evil and to my imperfection; sometimes I am able to change it sometimes I am not. But I am honest about it.

Some people will doubt me, challenge me or believe me completely. I don't actually care what others think of my "gift" or ability. It is not unique to me and it's not something I can prove to a disbeliever. In the past it's even gotten me hurt or into situations that could be considered unsafe emotionally. But it's potential for good is like my own: limited only by my will.

I've cooled off enough from my earlier situation to go back to work. The universe keeps moving despite my problems and my toil, and honestly? I wouldn't have it any other way.