Vision of a Raging River

When you awaken from a nightmare there is a moment between the dreaming and the wakeing that you are still part of each world; in this moment you have the unlimited potential of the dreamer and the sensation of reality of the wake mind. It that second of unlimited insight we can find our hearts innermost desire or confront our worst nightmare.

I have struggled with my own place in this world, I have struggled against my own demons and those at the gates of my corner of the world. Some of that I have written here and some I have kept to myself. As each problem falls I come closer and closer to the largest problem I have ever faced. I could say that this problem holds me back, but in truth the problem is I hold back.

There are few times in my life I have ever truly given my all. In those rare moments I create volumes of writing, defeat skilled enemies or push myself beyond any human capacity. Mostly however I wallow in my own medicore performance. As I have said before: "If you don't try and you can't lose." Well I have been torn between that statement and a statment of hope. I recall desperate battles that I won only because I held on alittle longer and marvel at how easily I could've folded. Indeed more often then not I did. It is not to say I have no desire to accomplish but rather my desire to accomplish is matched by a fear of failure and self-destruction.

I've had a variety of dreams over the last year. Nightmares of such ferocity that it strained my mind for weeks. An endless cycle of painful memories and forgotten emotions.
Inside me I have been building for a transformation, to shed those burdens and accept myself for what I really am. In many regards I've been more successful then anyone realizes. But always that last burden remains. I saved myself from the brink of insanity, endured the pain of betryal and heartbreak and gave myself a clear purpose and understanding.

The other half of my dreaming world is a vision for the future I have just now come to understand.
This is last nights dream. Fairly short and I'll explain the conclusion once I have finished.

I sat on the bank of the hudson watching the water float by. Behind me is a wooded campground and hundreds of people have gathered. It appears to be some kind of a family reunion but I don't recognize anyone there. It's noisy so I wander away into a much denser forest. It's really dark and bushes claw my arms and legs as I pass by. I reach the other side and come to an empty basin, It's sandy with some scattered and thawing snow. For some reason this reminds me of the castle in my earlier dream. (At this point I realize I am dreaming.)

I walk away from the forest and slide into the basin. The sand is cold to the touch and is rough on my body. Walking for awhile I come to the other side of the basin. The slope leads up and into a different forest. This forest isn't dark but instead is illuminated with moonlight. I walk into it and feel an amazing sense of peace. The path here is tidy and the forest is filled with the sounds of animals. Off in the distance I hear several birds playing in a river. I walk off the path and find them. It's my birds, including my birds that have died playing in the water. The yellow parakeet is under a small waterfall taking a shower. I giggle at this and watch them play for what seems like an eternity.

After awhile I hear something loud behind me, the birds all fly (or jump) off. I rush to catch them but then realize it's hopeless. Turning about face I run into the woods.
I come across a clearing, beams of moonlight flood it brightly.
In this clearing are all my friends, people I trust or have trusted. Most are in the personas that occur in my dreams. The Ghoul, The Dark Maiden, The Gambler, The Conflicted Assassin, The Frigid Maiden and the Bear Druidess. Plus a few new faces: Nick who appears as a giant, Sarah who is clothed like an amazon and a new person I don't recognize. Shes clothed in a mismatched checkering of white and black... it appears to be some kind of asian style robe with flowing almost frayed ribbons all over it. She carries a staff which has clearly seen better days.

They are all sitting around the moonlight talking, when I enter they fall silent.
I remember the shadowman in my previous dreams and the terrible battles I fought against him. I kneel in the center of this gathering and start to pray. I'm not certain who I was praying to or what. But I felt compelled to kneel in this place of energy and give my thanks. When I stood everyone else had already stood up as well. The Assassin and the Giant pull aside two crossed branches at the end of the clearing, unlike the clearing this path is dark and filled with shadows.

This part is hazy, but I remember running along this path. It twisted up and around a mountain and back down into the forest. Occassional beams of light would break into the darkness... but it only served to highlight it. The Amazon ran faster then me, she never bothered to stop for air. The darkness didn't phase her but as I ran it filled my heart with dread. Several times I stopped and could not run any farther. Finally she disappeared in the darkness ahead of me. I couldn't bring myself to go forward and stopped. Whatever evil dwelled within this forest it was getting closer and closer to me. Far behind me I hear my comrades mowing down the forest behind me; with a burst of courage I push aside the foliage and step forward.

This must be the heart of the wooded valley, on either side I see massive sheer cliffs. About a mile ahead I see the forest picks back up. Between the two breaks in the forest the ground is barren and dark. At the opposite end of the woods I see the shadow; behind him other shadows emerge from the ground. A few faceless undead shamble out of the woods.
I see the amazon standing off to the side, the darkness surrounds her but she doesn't seem fazed by it. The shadow here is almost physical. Like fog it twists and twirls around as if a phantom and unholy wind stirred it. My comrades spread out behind me... some drew weapons but most stood as they too fought off the shadows.

Shadows began to appear faster and faster and I felt an urgency to take action. I flicked my arms outward to summon my sword. Then again with my other hand. I was conscious of myself and remember I had possessed a second sword. The Ninja-to "sundering shadow".
I charge forward with both swords outstretched. Shadows appeared all around me... clawing at my face and chest. I cut them in half with ease. Larger shadows came at me from both sides. I rolled towards the left and cut hit with both swords at once. To the right the gambler was struggling with the larger shadow. I tossed him sundering shadow and he cut it from head to crotch cleanly.

Around me the companions engaged the shadows. A dozen shadows clung to the giant but he tossed them aside in an almost cartoon fashion. The undead advanced on us with the shadows. Everything became a blood filled mass of confusion. I hear the cries of pain from my comrades but I couldn't see them to render aid. Shadows clung to my legs and arms holding me back.
I saw the conflicted Assassin defending the Frigid Maiden who had fallen. The gambler was backed into a corner fighting off dozens of faceless undead.
The ghoul had suffered a blow to the head and was laying on the ground. A second wound on her stomach was bleeding out over the darkness. The Dark Maiden was in this battlefield almost impossible to see. Occasionally I would see a flash of darkness and the walking dead would fall.

The moonlight grows darker, in the skies it begins to eclipse.
I tear my left hand free in a cry of maddening sorrow. For a moment I touch on the maddness I sought to contain. I scream and rage against the shadowy chains that bind me down.
Inch by inch the battlefield darker and darker. As the shadow starts to fall over me I scream even louder. Kicking and fighting I struggle until I cannot feel my legs anymore. The shadow numbs me to my heart and soul. I hear the battle raging around me and as the shadow grows it becomes more and more distant. In my field of vision the conflicted assassin cleaves down a handful of smaller shadows before walking on to a different enemy.

After a moment the darkness and dispair blocks my vision. I flail uselessly against it more.
I can only barely feel the sword in my right hand, as it starts to numb I hear a voice. I can't identify the source but it's female. "If you want to succeed forget your fear."
She kept talking... urging me on but the words fade to nothingness. I scream over and over against the darkness until I begin to cry. Everyone I care about is dying and I can't save them.
I hear behind me chanting, a steady latin warchant. I move my left hand around slightly but my right hand is still held fast. Hot tears still falling down my face I scream and kick again. My right hand loosens slightly and I start to slash with the tiny amount of room I have. I scream again and again until I fall to the darkened ground, I can feel warm blood where I lay and the air smells like wood and smoke.

The blood crawls underneath me, it's thick and warm. I want to get up but I'm so tired I cannot.
Around me the battle still rages, I pull myself up and look around. It's so dark now I cannot see who is who but the ferocity of the battle implies that many still live. Still standing in his same spot is the shadowman. I feel regret hit me like a train, he succeeded because I was unwilling to fight him before. I know that I am dreaming but the dispair of this nightmare strikes terror into me. I lock my sword into a left sweeping position and charge his vanguard. The shadows fall under the speed of my assualt. Race between the groups of shadows with unnatural speed. I free the shadows clinging to the frigid maiden, she says something to me weakly and her head falls to the ground. I see blood on the sides of her lips. Not saying another word I kill the shadows all around me. The pressence of the darkness maddens me. Screaming as I charge I mow them down over and over. It's as if maddness and sorrow power my bloodthirsty blitzkrieg.

As I kill the shadowman starts to laugh, a shrill manical life filled with hate and contempt. I put my sword in it's scabbard and prepare myself for a quickdraw technique.
The shadowman responded in kind, his sword a thin almost translucent shadow. My hands felt wet with blood... and salt water. The Shadowman charged me but something inside me broke. I did not want to fall to his traps again. Madness took hold of my mind and I rushed him with the ferocity of a raging river. I opened with a downwards iiajitsu which he just barely dodged, without a second of hesitiation my sword swept to the right after hit striking him deeply. His own sword parried me backwards a few steps. The maddeness lessened and I blocked his flurry of strikes. Whatever held me back before I didn't feel it. Instead I felt alive.

He prepared himself for my counterattacks and I pratically leapt in the air after him. I didn't attempt to byass his sword but rather attacked it directly. His sword of shadow was cut neatly in two and my own steel cut his midsection open. He stumbled to the ground and melted.




I slept 10 hours the night I had this dream. It was very draining to me.
I'm ready for this last barrier, this last challenge. After that I have only the world to face.
The last thing I remember from this dream is standing in a pool of cool water with my blade. Because it's late I'll share my results later. I'm not sleeping tonight but I wish everyone who is a goodnight.